BAD MOVIE NIGHT ARCHIVE
2013

(that means you missed them.)







Sunday, December 29, 2013
8PM, $6.99



(the polar express)



Robert Zemeckis. Does anyone else wonder what the hell happened to him?

He was easily the most protigious of Steven Spielberg's proteges, clicking with him in a way that (for example) Poltergeist director Tobe Hooper did not. But Spielberg and Zemeckis had a thing, and it's a testament to the power of the thing that when Spielberg's first big flop (1941) was based on a Zemeckis script, they kept working together.

While Spielberg wisely never directed a Zemeckis script again—though, for my money, 1941 is underappreciated masterpiece which will hopefully someday receive the critical reapprisal it so richly deserves, probably when it inevitably hits Blu-Ray—he did produce Zemeckis's first few directorial efforts. There was I Wanna Hold Your Hand (featuring Eddie Deezen, as all movies should), Romancing the Stone, Back to the Future...

...which are all fine and good, and despite its low budget I Wanna Hold Your Hand is clearly the work of an auteur —seriously, track down a copy of the VHS tape, and notice how clearly the action scene involving the radio tower resembles the climax of Back to the Future among others—he also made one of the best smart-raunchy comedies of the early eighties: Used Cars. The awesomeness of this movie simply cannot be undestated. I Wanna Hold Your Hand isn't available on DVD and you're already sick of Stone and Future, but get Used Cars from Netflix right now, damnit.



The trailer doesn't really do it justice, as is the case with most movie trailers, but oh my lord is this a funny movie. Still the best thing Zemeckis ever did.

Which is not to say it was downhill after that, necessarily. He did some damn fine work afterward, including the aformentioned Back to the Future and its sequels, Who Framed Roget Rabbit?, and the movie which perhaps harkened back most strongly to his 1941/Used Cars roots, Death Becomes Her. Like Used Cars, the movie has heart, but it also has a mean streak a mile wide. And nothing's funnier than Zemeckis's mean streak.

Then there was something called Forrest Gump. I don't know what that is, either. Sounds kinda retarded. (ZING! Geddit? Because it's about a...oh, never mind.)

As a Carl Sagan fan, I liked Contact quite a lot. It fixed some narrative problems with the book while creating new ones, as is usually the problem with adaptations of novels. (The poster really cheesed me off, though, since it described the movie as being "from the Pulitzer-Prize Winning Author of Contact." No shit? The movie is based on the book by the...the author of the book? Ugh. My brain hurts whenever I try to wrap it around that logic.) The mean streak was pretty well gone, though.

And then...oy. I don't really wanna talk about it. He started experimenting with "motion capture," which basically means dressing up overpaid actors like The Green Man (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia fans represent!) and covering the footage with CGI. It's bascially a digital version of the same process which gave us the nightmarish Ralph Bakshi version of The Lord of the Rings. You remember that, right?



Yeah. Ick. But it's even worse in this case, because the advanced technology makes the characters look much more human, and indeed that's the intention, but they're not quite there. Something doesn't quite fit. Though his recent movies are based on beloved works, watching them leaves one stranded in the Uncanny Valley, a dark and disturbing place filled with quasi-humanoid creatures like something out of your deepest nightmare.

Huh. Y'know, now that I think about it, maybe Zemeckis's mean streak hasn't gone away after all.



Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Ziad Ezzat, and Dan Foley
will not drink this movie's hot chocolate.



December 29, 2013 The Polar Express
A terrifying CGI train ride deep into the Uncanny Valley, where lifeless collections of pixels take on a vaguely human form to haunt your deepest nightmares.
Dead-eyed wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Ziad Ezzat, Dan Foley, and other valley-dwellers.


Sunday, December 22, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(black christmas)

What's peculiar about the recent spate of horror remakes is how, unlike other remakes, whether or not the original film was successful doesn't really matter.

If a film is well-known, there's a good chance that it'll be remade. That's just the nature of things.

In this case, it was a relatively obscure 1974 movie that nobody outside of edicated horror buffs had heard of. Certainly the target audience of teenagers weren't familiar with it, the way they inherently were with the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Amityville Horror.



But it has an exploitable angle (Christmas) and an extremely exploitable cast (hot young sorority babes). And after remaking When a Stranger Calls, you can can only go up, and in this case "up" is this movie.

Most importantly, though, Buffy's annoying young sister gets killed.

Best. Bad. Movie. Ever.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, and Alexia Staniotes
may well cheer on the Big Bad.



December 22, 2013 Black Christmas (2007)
A killer stalks nubile young women at a sorority house. One of them is Buffy's annoying younger sister, so it's not such a bad thing.
Pandemonium reigns and tinsel flies.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, Alexia Staniotes, and other baggers.


Sunday, December 15, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the nutcracker)

And so our War On Christmas continues, with a movie that by all rights should have done the job when it was released to theaters in 2010, and when we watched it last year.

But it didn't, so we'll be giving it another shot this year.

This movie also fulfills our long-standing tradition of showing at least one "family" film which is in fact truly horrifying. The picture above should give you sense of the abject terror that awaits...

...and, quite frankly, there's nothing else I can say about this movie that its German trailer doesn't:

So, yeah. Welcome John Turturro's rat-man into your nightmares, because he's going to be there for a very long time.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Tim Kay
will probably make more testicular-trauma jokes than they really should.



December 15, 2013 The Nutcracker in 3-D
The children's story no child actually likes becomes a nightmare-inducing CGI abomination for all ages.
Unshelled wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Tim Kay, and other ballbusters.


Sunday, December 8, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(it's a wonderful life)

As usual, SF Weekly's repertory calendar said it best a few years ago (long before I started writing for them, after which point they stopped saying anything the best):



Yeah. What's wrong with these people? Which is to say, us?

How can we make fun of a movie that's so beloved, that's unquestioningly revered by so many people, so much so that we evidently aren't supposed to...well, make fun of it?

Well, have you tried to actually watch the damn movie recently?

If not—or even if you have—come on down and watch it again. By the time it's over, you'll feel just like the kid at the bottom of the picture with his hands on his face. (Also, check out our live production, happening this very month!)

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Alexia Staniotes, and Tim Kay
will not be getting their wings.



December 8, 2013 It's a Wonderful Life
Frank Capra and Jimmy Stewart relieve every sitcom ever made from having to come up with an original idea for a Christmas episode.
Suicidal wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Alexia Staniotes, John Hell, and other bell-ringers.


Sunday, December 1, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(santa claus: the movie)

The Salkinds were on a roll, man. They were on a motherfucking roll.

They had a pretty solid formula: take an existing cultural icon, like Superman or The Three Musketeers, and make a movie or three about them.

Can't go wrong, y'know? Built-in audience recognition, and if you pay exorbitant amounts of money to get name stars—like Marlon Brando or Gene Hackman—that gives the project an extra bit of respectability. Even if everybody knows that the stars in question only did the movie because of the aforementioned exorbitant sums of money. Hell, that's okay too, because it means people know you gots the money and that means they know you gots the bitches, yo!

(Though the Salkinds were Frenchmen who mostly operated in the Seventies and early Eighties, we choose to believe they spoke in Millennial faux hip-hop slang. Please don't be a hater and suggest other wise. Why you be hating?)

Admittedly, their Superman movies had turned into a textbook example of diminishing returns, with Superman III a minor financial and critical flop and the spinoff Supergirl a major financial and critical flop.



But, still! Money! Bitches! And most importantly, moxie!

Having had enough of the "caped superhero" genre, they moved on to the "hirsute, morbidly obese superhero" genre: Santa Claus. They'd pour a gazillion dollars into a movie about Santa Claus—okay, it was only fifty million, but in 1984 dollars that was the same as a gazllion—and it would keep the money and bitches rolling in.

Except that, because of all the money they spent on sets and special effects and whatnot, they didn't really have much left over for big stars. So they got Dudley Moore as an elf, and John Lithgow as the bad guy, an evil corporate bigwig who's only interested in money and bitches. (Meta!)

And to play Santa, they got the guy who delivered the "but we don't want the Irish" line from Blazing Saddles. Man, that was great, wasn't it? Let's enjoy it right now:



Heh. "Aw, prairie shit."

Anyway, to direct they hired Jeannot Szwarc, who'd helmed the disastrous Supergirl. But at least he knew how to take orders, unlike, say, Richard Donner. Even that limey cocksucker Richard Lester hadn't gotten a bit uppity during Superman III.

And...yeah. The movie made less than half its budget back, it did nothing for anyone's career, and as for the bitches?

Trust us, you don't wanna know.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Tristan Buckner, and Maura Sipila
will stuff a lump of snark in this movie's stocking.

December 1, 2013 Santa Claus: The Movie
The guys who made the first three Superman movies try to do the same with Santa Claus. It turns out about as well as Superman IV.
Reindeer-powered wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Tristan Buckner, Maura Sipila and other blitzens.




Sunday, November 24, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(highlander ii: the quickening)

The first Highlander was one of those movies that nobody saw in the theater, but everyone saw on video and on cable. Therefore, a sequel was made, and nobody saw that in the theater, either. Mostly because it wasn't very good.

I went to an advance screening of the movie in 1991, and I'd never been quite so confouned by a movie, let alone a sequel. For as much as the kids (oh, you kids!) complain about retconning, no movie has ever retconned as much as this one did. And not in a good way.

People have always complained about this movie. Do they still? Oh, do they. (You kids!)

This broheim takes some time out to tell you that this movie is bad, and he also warns you not to try to defend it. Yessir! Whatever you say, sir!



This guy talks about it for 45 minutes. I'm sure all of those minutes were necessary.



This guy only talks about it for seven minutes, but still, what is it about this movie that attracts the indoor-ballcap crowd?



But at least a British Newsie chimes in as well!



...but none of them were there, man, like I was. And probably none of them will be there this Sunday, like I also will be. (But you should.)

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Dan Foley
will experience the saddening is Highlander II: The Quickening.



November 24, 2013 Highlander 2: The Quickening
If any movie should have killed the possibility of furture sequels, it's this one. It should have gone back in time and killed the original, in fact.
Slow pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Dan Foley, and other McLeods.


Sunday, November 17, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(leatherface: texas chainsaw massacre iii)

In the beginning, Kim Henkel wrote and Tobe Hooper directed The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. As you can see about two seconds into the original trailer, it was in fact two words—chain saw rather than chainsaw—but the distributor marketed it as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and that became the official name. Fuck you, regional Texas dialect!

It was a spooky, scary movie, surprisingly light on blood and gore but heavy on an unsettling atmosphere. Though not directly responsible for the slasher craze (Halloween is to blame for that), it did have its imitators, including Abel Ferrara's early effort Driller Killer, The Toolbox Murders (remade decades later by Tobe Hooper, ironically) and the slightly belated Nail Gun Massacre. Like the VHS box said, "It's cheaper than a chainsaw!" (Though why it's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle doing the killing is anybody's guess.)

And, lest we forget, the classic Atari 2600 game.



Meanwhile, Tobe Hooper's career had not been going so great—his only big hit was Poltergeist, which is arguably producer Steven Spielberg's movie—and in 1986 he went back to the well with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Which was not great, and it completely jettisoned the grimy tone of the first film for bloody slapstick, but it had its moments and it kickstarted Bill Moseley's career, so for that alone we should be grateful.

Four years later came this week's feature, made by nobody who had anything to do with the previous films. It was written by David J. Schow, who's a really sweet guy and co-wrote The Crow with John Shirley, so let's not hold him responsible for crappy the film turned out. (Don't hold Schow, that is. Hold Shirley responsible for whatever you want.)

In 1994, original screenwriter Kim Henkel wrote and directed The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, also known as Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (Gene Roddenberry, what hath you wrought?), also known as That Movie With Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey That They Refuse To Talk About in Interviews, plzkthxbai.

The franchise had pretty died out (except for constant DVD reissues of the original film) until Michael Bay decided to produce a big glossy remake a few years ago, and...yeah. Let's just pretend those films didn't happen.

For that matter, let's just pretend this week's movie didn't happen, either.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Maura Sipila
forgive Viggo Mortensen for being in this, 'cuz he's totes cute.



November 17, 2013 Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3
The second sequel to the first Texas Chainsaw, and the first movie to make the second sequel look good.
Overtanned wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Maura Sipila, and other Viggos.




Sunday, November 10, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(speed 2: cruise control)

This week's feature is one of your more famous bad sequels. Nobody liked this movie, nobody at all.

Well, except for Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel. They enjoyed it so they gave it a good review, and it's something Ebert gave people static about until the day he died. (For whatever reason, Siskel didn't tend to get called out for these things quite as much.)

That's one of the hazards of movie reviewing: what happens when you like a movie that everybody else hates? Or, vice versa, though liking something considered to be bad is the far worse crime for a reviewer.

Not to make it about me or anything, but the second review I did for the Village Voice was of a deeply weird kids' movie called The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure, and because I didn't think it was the absolute worst thing in the history of movies -- and Rotten Tomatoes listed my review's conclusion as being "fresh" rather than "rotten" -- a commenter who, right after announcing that they would never ever see the movie, told me that I'd lost all my credibility as a film critic because I didn't hate the movie.

This was about a month after Rotten Tomatoes turned off commenting on The Dark Knight Rises because of death threats against critics giving the movie negative reviews, and a few months before Rotten Tomatoes turned off commenting entirely, so I was proud to get in under the wire of the particular burst of stupidity.

Anyway, here's Siskel & Ebert talking about this week's feature on their teevee show, and while they both liked it, they argue about it and take potshots at each other all the same, and it's awesome.



Maybe we'll just watch this review over and over and over...

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Ziad Ezzat, and Rose Lacy
are not ready for rush hour. (Or for a Speed sequel.)



November 10, 2013 Speed 2: Cruise Control
Because if "Die Hard on a bus" worked for the first movie, then why not "Die Hard on a bus boat" for the second movie? Why not, indeed.
Keanu-free pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Ziad Ezzat, Rose Lacy, and other Bullocks.




Sunday, November 3, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(book of shadows: blair witch 2)

Last week's movie was the very bad fifth sequel to what many still consider the scariest movie of all time; this week's is the first and only sequel to an influential found-footage movie which, as noted earlier in this sentence, has only spawned this one sequel.

It's weird to think now, in this era of endless found-footage sequels (the Paranormal Activity series just dropped the numbers entirely, because why bother?), the thinking was that at Blair Witch sequel had to be a traditional film. You couldn't make a found-footage sequel to a found-footage film, right? Especially not this super-important groundbreaking one!

And to The Blair Witch Project's credit, while it was not the first found-footage movie, it's the most famous one in 1999, certainly.

Around that same time there was a very similar movie called The Last Broadcast. Very, very similar.



In 1980, there was Cannibal Holocaust.



1993 brought the French Man Bites Dog, easily the best of the bunch, which is probably why it's on Criterion.



But The Blair Witch Project had to be "real" movie...but it turned into this instead.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Tim Kay
will wish they hadn't found this footage, either.



November 3, 2013 Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
No, it didn't make much sense at the time, either.
Unreadable wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Tim Kay, and other Berlingers.




Sunday, October 27, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(exorcist: the beginning)

This right here, this a movie they got the right the first time, then screwed up.

It's the third sequel to what a lot of people called the scariest horror movie ever made, and the second sequel to what many of those people call the worst horror movie ever made. Actually, technically, this the fourth and third sequels, respectively.

What happened was that a talented director named Paul Schrader was hired to direct the Exorcist prequel. When we was about four-fifths done with the film, the studio decided that it wasn't gory or violent enough, so they fired Schrader (screenwriter of Taxi Driver, director of Blue Collar and Hardcore) and replaced him with Renny Harlin (director of The Adventures of Ford Fairlane and Cutthroat Island), who pretty much started from scratch, and in doing so, made a deeply reprehensible film, muddled and misogynistic and sexist and racist and...well, you know. A Renny Harlin movie.

Seriously. Fuck this movie. If you can, watch Schrader's original film -- available under the title Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist -- before this one, just to get a sense of the difference between a good and a bad director. (Renny Harlin is the bad director in this scenario, in case you didn't pick up on that.)

Here's how the movie opens, basically how no Exorcist movie has any business opening.



Yeah. To clean the palette, here's the excellent opening theme to Exorcist II: The Heretic, which looks like a masterpiece in comparison.



To reiterate, fuck this movie.



Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Dan Foley
are going to keelhaul Renny Harlin.

October Tickets:
bmn-1013.eventbrite.com



October 27, 2013 Exorcist: The Beginning
The movie that shouldn't have been made in the first place (and this is the second try at the third sequel.)
Pandemonium with no end reigns.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Dan Foley, and other Harlineqins.


Sunday, October 20, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the exorcist iii)

This right here, this a largely forgotten movie.

It's the second sequel to what a lot of people called the scariest horror movie ever made, and the first sequel to what many of those people call the worst horror movie ever made. And they may be right about all of those things.

It has its moments, though -- one moment in particular, involving a hospital corridor, that anyone who saw it definitely remembers -- and it is also a deeply late-80s film, almost as much as Poltergeist III. Just being an unneeded horror sequel with "III" in the title makes it very late-80s, for that matter.

But what the movie really has going for it is the sound effects, which someone was kind enough to leak from an audiocassette, because, you know, late-80s.



There are also the Spanish radio spots, which are just the best. "El Exorcista Tres -- con George C. Scott!"



And also radio spots in English, if that's your thing for some reason. Also, note that the one toward the end claims it was "The #1 Movie in America." Good on them for planning ahead!



It's definitely the #1 Movie at Bad Movie Night...until next week, anyway.





Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, and Alexia Staniotes
are a tiny, tiny legion.

October 20, 2013 The Exorcist III
The movie that didn't make people realize anything, since they didn't see it.
Wackiness (which is legion) ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, Alexia Staniotes, and other Dourifs.


Sunday, October 13, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(exorcist ii: the heretic)

This right here, this is not a very popular movie.

It's the first sequel to what a lot of people called the scariest horror movie ever made, and who knows? They may be right about that first movie.

But the problem is that since it was a big hit, it spawned sequels -- which is just how these things work, it's how these things have always worked and always will work.

And now we're at the first sequel, huzzah, which is one of the more bugfuck crazy movies ever released by a major studio. Nothing about it really works at all, and therefore it's all kind of strangely brilliant. I highly recommend reading Erich Kuersten's essay about it on the great Acidemic website.

Let's watch some very unpleasant-looking people on YouTube talking about it.

KiramidHead doesn't care for the movie's music, and he's kind of a dick about it. He also spends a lot of time grasping for words, which is not okay.



Acouplevideosisall claims the movie has no narrative cohesion. In all fairness, neither does he.



Nate Murphy explains why he hates sequels that are like this. (Remind me sometime to explain why I hate it when people describe their ramblings as a "rant.")



Finally, hellraiserfan74 doesn't know what year the movie came out, but on the plus side, he actually liked it. So the kid's all right. Actually, this kid rules your face.



And so does this week's feature, which is the kind of movie that Bad Movie Night exists for.



Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Ira Emsig
will bring on the locusts.

October 13, 2013 Exorcist II: The Heretic
The movie that made people realize that Richard Burton is actually drunk most of the time.
Apostatic pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Ira Emsig, and other Pazuzus.


Sunday, October 6, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the exorcist)

This right here, this is a very popular movie.

Some called it the scariest horror movie ever made, and who knows? They may be right about that.

The problem is that since it was a big hit, it spawned sequels. That's just how these things work, it's how these things have always worked and always will work.

But before we get to the sequels, we have to watch the original, oh yes we do. And before, that let's watch some people on YouTube talking about it.

Geeoh19 disagrees with all those people who say it isn't really a horror film per se. Go you, Geooh19!



British film critic Mark Kermode explains why it's his most favorite movie.



JTGirl1 is confident that everyone would enjoy this movie.



And RGsDevilship reviews the book, for some reason.



I'm sure none of them would be happy to know that we're going to make fun of this movie -- and that they wouldn't object to the next three weeks.





Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, and Alexia Staniotes
are sewing socks in hell.

October 6, 2013 The Exorcist
The movie that made people realize that pea soup is actually kinda gross-looking.
Tubular wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spigelman, John Hell, and other Blattys.




Sunday, September 29, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the hobbit: an unexpected journey)
(part two)

Because I get astonishingly lazy when it comes to Tolkien movies, I'm going to once more, yet again, recycle what I wrote about Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings a few years ago.

It goes like this:

...oh, you kids today. You think that the seventies were all about disco and wide lapels and bell-bottoms and Star Wars. And it was about those things, yes, but it was also about a movie industry that had no clue what to do with itself—at least, not until Star Wars (and Jaws right before it) came around.

Before that, things were kinda weird. At the beginning of the decade, the studio system was breaking down, youth-oriented movies like Bonnie and Clyde and Easy Rider were huge hits, and the people with the money were casting their nets wide, trying to find something/anything with counterculture cachet which could rake in those bucks. Any bucks, really. And since "safe," "family-friendly" movies weren't doing it anymore, it was okay if the movies were a bit ribald. Risque. Racially charged, even.

That's where Ralph Bakshi stepped in.

He'd been toiling away in the animation salt mines for well over a decade when he made his first feature film in 1972, based on R. Crumb's comix character. Though it was made with independent financing, there's no way it could have been produced or distributed had the major studios not been attempting to do the same thing anyway.



It was a smash hit, the most financially successfully independently produced animated film ever (up to 1972), and also the first cartoon to get an X rating. Crumb hated it, and killed off the character in his comix in protest—which didn't stop another producer from making a Bakshi-less sequel, The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat, a few years later, since killing the character on paper didn't change the fact that he'd sold off the film rights. Nice try, Bob.

Bakshi continued on with 1973's Heavy Traffic, which combined animation with live action, his signature trick. It was a sloppy signature, but by god, it was a signature, and it continued until they stopped letting him making movies twenty years later (two words: Cool World). Anyway, Traffic delved deeper into his obsessions with ubran decay and racial stereotypes of all stripes:



1975 brought Bakshi's most Bakshi-riffic film. My video store in Fresno had a VHS copy (kept on the "Mature" shelf in our Adult section) under the name Streetfight, which I guess is supposed to be less offensive than its original title:



Is it an offensive title and/or an offensive film? I don't know. 1975 was a different time—I mean, I guess it was, I was only two years old at the time so my memories are a bit fuzzy on the subject—and we can't fairly apply our 2011 sensibilities to it. All that said, I am willing to state that the movie's opening theme song by Scatman Crothers is awesome from a strictly musical standpoint:



I have absolutely no opinion about it from a lyrical standpoint. His scatting is great, but that's why he was called Scatman, duh.

Bakshi shifted directions after Coonstreetfightskin, moving into the now more-profitable fantasy realm with the obviously-named Wizards. It's also the first film in his career on which he's credited as the producer as well as the writer and director, so depending on your take on the auteur theory, it's the first movie for which he can be solely blamed—or praised, since a lot of people love this film:



Bakshi also abandoned the combining of live-action with animation, sorta. Rather than cutting back and forth between the two or having animated characters interact with the real world, he rotoscoped Wizards within an inch of its life in the battle scenes. Since it was cheaper and more practical than doing new background or hand-drawn animation, he lifted copious battle footage from movies like Patton, El Cid and Zulu, and, well, take look for yourself. It gets particularly egregious at 1:35:



Yeah. And this was just a dry-run for his next film, The Lord of the Rings, which has lots (and lots and ohmygod lots) of barely-there rotoscoping, not to mention an attempt to squeeze the first book and a half of Tolkien's trilogy into 133 minutes. Which he possibly might have pulled off if not for what feels like six hours of fantastically ugly rotoscoping of orcs. If you've ever wondered why Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings movies had to be so damned long, the thorough incoherence of this movie will explain it all.

Though this film was by no means a hit, Bakshi continued to make feature films, and also produced the brilliant late-eighties revival of Mighty Mouse, which in turn unleashed John Kricfalusi of Ren & Stimpy onto the world. So he gets props for that.

Ralph Bakshi's last motion picture was released in 1992, and nobody's asked him to make one since.

Remember those two words from before?

Cool. World.

Yep. Those are the ones.

...and, to bring it back to 2013 and this week's feature, it's amazing that Peter Jackson is getting to make any movies after the three words The. Lovely. Bones.



Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Maura Sipila
live in holes in the ground. You know the kind.



September 29, 2013 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Part Two)
Short people with hairy feet start walking somewhere again, some more.
HFR wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Maura Sipila, and other Bombadils.




Sunday, September 22, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the hobbit: an unexpected journey
(part one)

Because I get astonishingly lazy when it comes to Tolkien movies, I'm going to once again recycle what I wrote about Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings a few years ago.

It goes like this:

...oh, you kids today. You think that the seventies were all about disco and wide lapels and bell-bottoms and Star Wars. And it was about those things, yes, but it was also about a movie industry that had no clue what to do with itself—at least, not until Star Wars (and Jaws right before it) came around.

Before that, things were kinda weird. At the beginning of the decade, the studio system was breaking down, youth-oriented movies like Bonnie and Clyde and Easy Rider were huge hits, and the people with the money were casting their nets wide, trying to find something/anything with counterculture cachet which could rake in those bucks. Any bucks, really. And since "safe," "family-friendly" movies weren't doing it anymore, it was okay if the movies were a bit ribald. Risque. Racially charged, even.

That's where Ralph Bakshi stepped in.

He'd been toiling away in the animation salt mines for well over a decade when he made his first feature film in 1972, based on R. Crumb's comix character. Though it was made with independent financing, there's no way it could have been produced or distributed had the major studios not been attempting to do the same thing anyway.



It was a smash hit, the most financially successfully independently produced animated film ever (up to 1972), and also the first cartoon to get an X rating. Crumb hated it, and killed off the character in his comix in protest—which didn't stop another producer from making a Bakshi-less sequel, The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat, a few years later, since killing the character on paper didn't change the fact that he'd sold off the film rights. Nice try, Bob.

Bakshi continued on with 1973's Heavy Traffic, which combined animation with live action, his signature trick. It was a sloppy signature, but by god, it was a signature, and it continued until they stopped letting him making movies twenty years later (two words: Cool World). Anyway, Traffic delved deeper into his obsessions with ubran decay and racial stereotypes of all stripes:



1975 brought Bakshi's most Bakshi-riffic film. My video store in Fresno had a VHS copy (kept on the "Mature" shelf in our Adult section) under the name Streetfight, which I guess is supposed to be less offensive than its original title:



Is it an offensive title and/or an offensive film? I don't know. 1975 was a different time—I mean, I guess it was, I was only two years old at the time so my memories are a bit fuzzy on the subject—and we can't fairly apply our 2011 sensibilities to it. All that said, I am willing to state that the movie's opening theme song by Scatman Crothers is awesome from a strictly musical standpoint:



I have absolutely no opinion about it from a lyrical standpoint. His scatting is great, but that's why he was called Scatman, duh.

Bakshi shifted directions after Coonstreetfightskin, moving into the now more-profitable fantasy realm with the obviously-named Wizards. It's also the first film in his career on which he's credited as the producer as well as the writer and director, so depending on your take on the auteur theory, it's the first movie for which he can be solely blamed—or praised, since a lot of people love this film:



Bakshi also abandoned the combining of live-action with animation, sorta. Rather than cutting back and forth between the two or having animated characters interact with the real world, he rotoscoped Wizards within an inch of its life in the battle scenes. Since it was cheaper and more practical than doing new background or hand-drawn animation, he lifted copious battle footage from movies like Patton, El Cid and Zulu, and, well, take look for yourself. It gets particularly egregious at 1:35:



Yeah. And this was just a dry-run for his next film, The Lord of the Rings, which has lots (and lots and ohmygod lots) of barely-there rotoscoping, not to mention an attempt to squeeze the first book and a half of Tolkien's trilogy into 133 minutes. Which he possibly might have pulled off if not for what feels like six hours of fantastically ugly rotoscoping of orcs. If you've ever wondered why Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings movies had to be so damned long, the thorough incoherence of this movie will explain it all.

Though this film was by no means a hit, Bakshi continued to make feature films, and also produced the brilliant late-eighties revival of Mighty Mouse, which in turn unleashed John Kricfalusi of Ren & Stimpy onto the world. So he gets props for that.

Ralph Bakshi's last motion picture was released in 1992, and nobody's asked him to make one since.

Remember those two words from before?

Cool. World.

Yep. Those are the ones.

...and, to bring it back to 2013 and this week's feature, it's amazing that Peter Jackson is getting to make any movies after the three words The. Lovely. Bones.





Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Jim Fourniadis, and Timothy Kay
live in holes in the ground. You know the kind.

September 22, 2013 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Part One)
Short people with hairy feet start walking somewhere again.
Expected pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Tim Kay, and other Bifurs.
\

Sunday, September 15, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(beautiful creatures)

Something kinda weird happened over this past year: I started reviewing movies.

Like, for money — very little money, mind you — and under the auspices of the Village Voice and SF Weekly, actual newspapers in print. Well, actual "newspapers." Or "actual" newspapers, depending on your point of view.

It's very strange, considering that, y'know, I've been doing this thing for years, where we watch movies and make fun of them, and even call perfectly good movies "bad." Clearly, I must hate movies! The people who don't like Bad Moie Night certainly think so. And yet.

This week's feature is the very first time we've done a movie that I've reviewed professionally. (Or, you know, "professionally." Here's what I said about it.

"Beautiful Creatures": Tastier Than "Twilight"
By Sherilyn Connelly, Wednesday, Feb 13 2013
This must be a great time to be an author of supernatural young adult novels, particularly if your books have been around long enough for the film adaptations to fill the post-Twilight void. This is not to say that writer-director Richard LaGravenese's Beautiful Creatures, based on the book by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl, can be entirely written off as a cash-in. Its story of star-crossed lovers -- new girl Lena (Alice Englert) is magical, and local boy Ethan (Alden Ehrenreich) is not -- is as old as the hills, but it's slathered in tasty Southern Gothic melodrama. Beautiful Creatures embraces its inherent pulpiness in a way the mannered Twilight films never did, and villain Emma Thompson clearly relishes chewing all the scenery in sight. The movie also takes great pains to establish the literacy of its young protagonists: Ethan is a fan of William S. Burroughs, Henry Miller, and especially Kurt Vonnegut -- plus Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead, last referenced in Identity Thief, pops up yet again -- while Lena has a taste for Charles Bukowski. Beautiful Creatures even has the temerity to explicitly acknowledge its parallels with To Kill a Mockingbird. If you're going to pay homage, you might as well pay homage to the best.


s


So, in other words, it's a dumb, fun movie that we're going to greatly enjoy riffing on.

Trust me. I'm a professional.



Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Ira Emsig
are definitely creatures. That much, we're sure of.

September 15, 2013 Beautiful Creatures (2013)
They're not "witches," they're "casters," you racist.
Gothic pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Ira Emsig, and other aesthically pleasing beings.




Sunday, September 8, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the hunger games)

There are only a few ideas out there, folks.

Very few things are, like, "original." Originality hasn't really been a thing since shortly around the time that troglodytes started telling stories.

But in this day and age, when something seems kinda like another thing, people start going batshit crazy, because themes aren't meant to be varied upon.

Watchmojo got a big scoop by pointing out 10 other movies that are not unlike this week's feature.



Of course, the top movie on that list was Battle Royale, which is what everyone else focuses on.

The kids at 3killabytes (see what they did there?) needs to adjust their audio.



Meanwhile, the folks at AllMovie (the somewhat useless movie version of the extremely useful music site) don't really understand how stereo works.



I don't know what this Italian guy is saying, but he talks with his hands a lot, and I love how he rolls the Rs in Rocky Horror Picture Show at 1:27.



This girl has a British accent, and is a ninja of in-camera editing.



So who wins: Battle Royale or this week's feature?


Your hosts Jim Fournadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Tristan Buckner
will lose, no matter who wins.

September 8, 2013 The Hunger Games
Teenagers battle each other royally in a futuristic dystopia. Also, they are hungry.
Gamey pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Tristan Buckner, and other mockingjays.




Sunday, September 1, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the twilight saga: breaking dawn, part 2)

Okay. Two things which I've said before but will say again because it beats trying to think of something new to write about these movies)—

First:

TEAM BELLA 4-EVA, BITCHES!!!1!11!!1


Second: fuck you, Stephen King.



"Stephen King is not better than Stephanie Meyer. He will never be better. He is equal to, just as good as, and exactly the same as in almost every single way but differently."

That settles that, pretty much. And this is the end of the series. After this, no more! Probably.

So, bring on the sparkliness! (And the, um, werewolves with six-pack abs.)

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Alexia Staniotes
promise to twi' their 'tardest.

September 1, 2013 The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2
Because OMG Bella and Edward!!!
Sparkly wackiness will finally cease to ensue.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Alexia Staniotes, and other Renesmees .


Bad Movie Night August 2013


Sunday, August 25, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(ninja assassin)

Every so often, the internet goes nutzoid about some older, not-very-good movies.

It happened not too long ago with Miami Connection, to name one of the more obvious examples.

Curiously, though, the wider internet has not yet discovered Godfrey Ho's 1980s run of ninja movies. In 1987, he's credited (or uncredited) as having directed fifteen different films with the word "ninja" in the title. And, come to think of it, "different" is kind of a strong word, because they're not all that different from each other. And many of them star the same white guy, Richard Harrison, whose footage (as "Ninja Master Gordon") was spliced into far more movies than he'd originally agreed to, thus damaging his career. That's just how efficient Godfrey Ho was!

The movies themselves are every bit as unwatchable as you might expect them to be—though the ninas often wear headbands that say "Ninja," they way real ninjas totes do—but their titles and their trailers offer more than enough entertainment value, mostly thanks to the breathless, deeply echoey narrator. There's your Ninja Terminator...





...your Full Metal Ninja...



...your Ninja in the Killing Fields, which we're informed is a "super-mega production in which no expense has been spared"...,



...your Ninja Dragon, which is surely at least half as cool as Game of Thrones, what with the word "ninja" in the title...



...and about a zillion others, none of which we'll be riffing on this week, because even we have standards. Sort of.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and John Hell
ninjassinate (that's a word now!) this movie right back.



August 25, 2013 Ninja Assassin
A ninja who knows martial arts (duh!) fucks a lot of people's shit up.
Stealth pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, John Hell, and other Shinobi.




Sunday, August 18, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(punisher: war zone)

Quite predictably -- no, really, I predicted it, honest -- lots of boys were all "Hey, that's not a bad movie, it's bad-ass!" about our movies so far this month.

Mostly boys, mind you. Very few girls. Go figure.

This week's movie has been considerably more divisive. Patton Oswalt really liked it, the A.V. Club did not. So there you go.

But there's one thing we all agree on: people who do parkour (parkour-ers? parkour-ites?) need to die, preferably by being blown up with rockets.

You know, these kinds of guys.





We all want to see parkour guys get blown up with rockets.

And this movie gives us what we all want.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Marcus Solomon, and Tristan Buckner
are always up for seeing parkourians getting punished.



August 18, 2013 Punisher: War Zone
A vigilante with a lot of guns fucks a lot of people's shit up.
Collateral wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Marcus Solomon, Tristan Buckner, and other zoners.


Sunday, August 11, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(hobo with a shotgun)

And this is right about where the Grindhouse phenomenon started to get out of hand.

"Phenomenon" is kind of a strong word, because the original film was a big flop, and yet it continues to keep re-spawning itself. The second Machete movie is coming out later this year, and the less said about Hell Ride, the better.

There's no Werewolf Women of the S.S. film on the horizon, and Edgar Wright keeps finding better things to do than make a Don't movie, thank goodness.

For the theatrical feature-lengthening of this week's feature, there was a fake-trailer contest held. Which is kind of like paying it forward, or sideways, or something. Or it's just a sign that the whole thing has gone too far.

The winner: Van Gore. Sure.



Runners up included Earwigs...



...Charlene She Wolf of My Heart...



...Care Center Slaughterhouse...



...I Am Not A Superhero, This Is Strictly Revenge...



...and far too many others to mention.

I shudder to think what might have happened if Grindhouse didn't flop. And yet, here we are.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Jim Fourniadis, and Dan Foley
will wish they'd won a "not having to watch this movie" contest.



August 11, 2013 Hobo With a Shotgun
A homeless guy with big gun fucks a lot of people's shit up.
Homeless pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Jim Fourniadis, Dan Foley, and other tramps.


Sunday, August 4, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the raid: redemption)

Pow pow pow! Pew pew pew! Thud punch kapow bam bam bam!

There's going to be a lot of this sort of thing this month, so settle in.

These are also the kinds of movies boys love. Yep, boys especially love this week's feature. Like these boys (and the one girl they know).



Also, this guy, who really appreciates a good Blu-ray package.



This guy as well, who considers it "the most underrated movie in the history of movies," though his framing leaves a bit to be desired.



These guys also have some technical issues. Also, they've recently hit the laughing gas, as it were



And this fellow seems to think that people will actually deal with this closeup of his face for fifteen minutes. Good luck with that.



Anyway, pew pew pew pow pow pow and so forth. Boys are into it.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Rose Lacy
have no redemption value.



August 4, 2013 The Raid: Redemption
A cop who knows martial arts fucks a lot of people's shit up.
Unredeemed wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Rose Lacy, and other raiders.


Bad Movie Night July 2013


Sunday, July 28, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(quarantine)

So, yeah. We my have made a slight tactical error.

Following up Haunted Houses Month with Found Footage Month? Whoa nelly, that's a lot of pretty much the same kinds of bad movie over and over—even by our standards, and the whole point of this show is watching (and making fun of) bad movies—just with a lot more shakycam toward the end

Anyway, our final movie this month is a remake of a Spanish film called [REC], and here are these people talking about it:



Hey, you're welcome.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Maura Sipila
are going to break quarantine SO HARD.





July 28, 2013 Quarantine
People in a building go nuts as a virus attacks, and someone keeps filming it on their camcorder, as you will. Also, was trounced at the box office by Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
Pandemical pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Maura Sipila, and other detainees.


Sunday, July 21, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(apollo 18)

For a found footage movie to work, you have to believe the fundamental situation.

Some filmmaking kids go into the woods to find a witch? Sure, okay. A privilged family has several laptops recording them at all hours of the day or not, and also leave their Kinect on all the time? Fair enough.

But the problem with this week's feature is that purports to be set on the moon, and that totally destroys the illusion, because as we all know, the moon landings were faked by Stanley Kubrick. We do all know that, right?



In other words, fuck this movie. We demand plausibility from our bad movies!

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Julian Axelrod, and Mikl-Em
have demanded to not have to riff on this movie, but it didn't work.





July 21, 2013 Apollo 18
The filmmakers call the monsters on the moon "moonsters," which tells you everything you need to know.
Houston, we have wackiness ensuing.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Julian Axelrod, Mikl-Em, and other cosmonauts.


Sunday, July 14, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(paranormal activity 4)

I've been reviewing movies for the Village Voice since August 2012 and SF Weekly since January 2013. Nope, I don't know why they'd want me to, either.

Back in January, I had to review A Haunted House for the Voice. And the hell of it was, I'd have to actually go see it in a theater. (I was promised that they'd reimburse my ticket, which never quite happened—but that's another matter entirely.)

I mentioned to my editor that not only have I never seen any of the Paranormal Activity movies, which House ostensibly spoofed, but I'd never seen any of the Scary Movie franchise, which it's a part of in everything but name. He said that was fine, that it probably wouldn't make a difference. And he was probably right, but I'll never know because I still haven't seen any of them.

Anyway, here's Red Letter Media's Half in the Bag episode covering this week's feature.



And also, them discussing A Haunted House.



And, yeah. It's a fucking Paranormal Activity movie. What more do you want?

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Tristan Buckner, and Alexia Staniotes
want to not have to watch this wretched movie.



July 14, 2013 Paranormal Activity 4
Answering all the unanswered questions from the first three, except for why there were already three.
Webcammed pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Tristan Buckner, Alexia Staniotes, and other camgirls.


Sunday, July 7, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the blair witch project)

Last week's movie was a prequel to a movie about a hoax that was turned into a book; this week's movie is a hoax that was made directly as a movie. Which is a timesaver, if nothing else.

More importantly, while it wasn't the first found-footage movie, it's the most famous one, certainly.

Around that same time there was a very similar movie called The Last Broadcast. Very, very similar.



In 1980, there was Cannibal Holocaust.



1993 brought the French Man Bites Dog, easily the best of the bunch, which is probably why it's on Criterion.



But this week's movie more or less opened the floodgates—not to mention led to a truly goofy sequel, which we'll get to later this year.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Ira Emsig
will wish they hadn't found this footage.



July 7, 2013 The Blair Witch Project
The one that started it all. ("It all" being throwing up in the movie theater, that is.)
Handheld wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Ira Emsig, and other virals.




Sunday, June 30, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(amityville ii: the possession)

As it often does, it's come to this: a prequel a movie based on a "true story" which turned out to be hoax.

The original Amityville Horror was adapted from a book about an alleged haunting. 'cept it didn't happen.

The backstory of the original movie, explored in the prequel, did happen, but not quite like it does in this movie version of it.

So it's all hardcore hooey across the board, but on the plus side, it was covered on an episode of In Search Of... during Leonard Nimoy's great porn 'stache phase.



And that almost makes it all worth it. Almost.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Dan Foley
will possess the front row of the Dark Room.



June 30, 2013 Amityville II: The Possession
The even more-true prequel to the "true story" that was made up in the first place.
Possessive wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Dan Foley, and other Montellis.


Sunday, June 23, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(house on haunted hill)

William Castle was not a great filmmaker, but he was a great showman.

To make up for the fact that his movies weren't especially well-made — they weren't horribly bad or anything, but he was no Hitchcock behind the camera — they he would do all sorts of gimmicks to get people to come to the theater, and to set his movies apart from all the other low-budget B pictures.

For example, for Macabre, the audience was insured against "death by fright" by Lloyd's of London.



For 13 Ghosts, audiences were given special Ghost Viewer glasses.



In Homicidal, there was a "fright break" for people who were just too darned scared to continue.



The Tingler is probably his most famous, as certain seats would Tingle the audience.



Then there's the original version of this week's feature, in which a skelelon would emerge above the (non-tingled) audience, hence Emergo. Obviously.



The ads also encouraged you to see it with someone with warm hands, also obviously.



Sadly, there will be no Vincent Price and no Emergo in the remake we'll be watching this Sunday, but there will be plenty of warm hands.



Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Tristan Buckner
will haunt the front row of the Dark Room.



June 23, 2013 House on Haunted Hill (1999)
No, House on Haunted Hill is not related to The Haunting of Hill House. Why would you even think that?
Mountainous pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, Tim Kay, and other spooks.


Sunday, June 16, 2013, 6pm



rhiannon and sherilyn's
poltergeist double feature
birthday sleepover! still $6.99!

It's that time of the year: in honor of the birthdays of The Dark Room's favorite Geminis, Rhiannon (June 12) and myself (June 16), we're riffing on the two Poltergeist movies, which are both very lousy. In a row. Back to back.

By the way, I was born on June 16, 1973, so come help my celebrate the lifetime's worth of questionable choices that have resulted in me watching the fucking Poltergeist sequels on my 40th birthday!

It'll be more Heather O'Rourke than you can shake a stick at. And why would you shake a stick at her, anyway? Damn, you suck.

But that's okay, because you're still our BFF, and we totally want you to come to our birthday party, okay? It's going to be a total blast, we swear. Our parents are out of town and it's just going to be a whole lot of fun and you don't have to stay for the whole time if you want to and just please show up, okay?

We know it's a schoolnight for a lot of you, so we're starting early: 6pm. That's when we're going to watch the 1986 Poltergeist II, with Mikl-Em co-hosting. At 8pm-ish we'll watch Poltergeist III with Mike Spiegelman, and after that we'll all go home and go to bed.

Oh, and presents? Don't worry about it. Your presence is your present.

If you really wanna get us stuff, here's Rhiannon's Amazon wish list, and this is mine, though blank DVD-Rs always make me happy.

Though nothing would make me and Rhiannon happier than you joining us this Sunday, 'kay? 'kay.

Be sure to get there at 6pm for maximum Rourke.

June 16, 2013, 6pm Special Event (in a box!):

Rhiannon and Sherilyn's
Poltergeist Double Feature
Birthday Sleepover!

To celebrate Rhiannon and Sherilyn's birthday(s), we're going to riff on the sequels to Poltergeist. Fair warning: they're really bad.

By the way, Sherilyn was born on June 16, 1973, so come help her celebrate the lifetime's worth of questionable choices that have resulted in her watching the fucking Poltergeist sequels on her 40th birthday!

Bring your jammies and blankets and get cozy.
Necking with the birthday girls encouraged.
Ectoplasmic wackiness will ensue. SHOW BEGINS AT 6PM, BITCHES.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Rhiannon Charisse and...

6pm: Poltergeist II: The Other Side - Mikl-Em
8pm: Poltergeist III - Mike Spiegelman



Sunday, June 9, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the haunting)

Well, last week's feature didn't come close to answering the great question of Haunted Houses month, that being: what's the deal with houses, and all the hauntings?

Just what does it meant to be haunted, anyway? And is this line of questioning just an excuse to watch a bunch of movies about hauntings? Maaaaaaybe.

This week's feature is based (sorta) on Shirley Jackson's story The Haunting of Hill House. It was made it into a very good movie in 1963. (No, we are not going to watch the very good 1963 movie instead.)



Hauntings tend to happen in more specific geographic municipalities these days, like The Haunting in Connecticut.



Of course, all the unanswered questions from that movie were probably not answered in the sequel, The Haunting in Connecticut 2 The Ghosts of Georgia.



But why just haunt Connecticut (or Georgia or wherever) when you can haunt the whole country? Why, indeed.



Here's someone's totally legal video of the entirety of the Haunted Mansion at Disney World.



Speaking of which, here's the raw tape of Paul Frees recording the narration to the Haunted Mansion, which is the best thing you're going to hear all week.



Unfortunately, as great as the Paul Frees stuff is, we're not going to be listening to that on Sunday. We're going to be watching the director of Speed 2: Cruise Control attempt to make a scary movie. (And we'll get to Speed 2: Cruise Control later this year.)



Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Tristan Buckner
will haunt the front row of the Dark Room.



June 9, 2013 The Haunting (1999)
A very good movie was made from Shirley Jackson's story The Haunting of Hill House. This is not that movie.
Jacksonian pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Tristan Buckner, and other de Bonts.


Sunday, June 2, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(house)

As we embark on Haunted Houses month, the question is raised: what's the deal with houses, and all the hauntings?

Or is it just that houses themselves are somehow scary? Beats the heck out of me, but let's look at a bunch of house-related movie trailers anyway.

There's this week's feature, which is one of the relatively few Criterion Collection movies we've done.



Then there's this year's Wayans flick A Haunted House. (I had to review this movie for the Village Voice, which was cool, except for the part where I had to watch A Haunted House.)



Houses that are in specific places are apparently scary, like The Last House on the Left.



Or ones in cul-de-sacs, like Last House on Dead End Street.



And they're apparently even scarier when they're near scary places, like House by the Cemetery. That's just math.



It should also be mentioned that this week's feature is not the only movie by this title. So consider it mentioned.



This week's may not be the scariest of them all, but it's defnitely the weirdest. And maybe, just maybe, that's enough.



Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and John Hell
know that it isn't even close to being enough.



June 2, 2013 House (1977)
In you've ever felt that Japanese horror movies just aren't weird enough, you're in luck.
Four-walled wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, John Hell, and other hausus.




Sunday, May 26, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the world is not enough)

I'll admit, I was pretty excited when Pierce Brosnan became the new James Bond. My girlfriend at the time was a huge Pierce Brosnan fan—and, judging from the Remington Steele DVD I saw at her apartment the last time we hung out, she evidently still is—and a bit of it rubbed off on me.

He was pretty funny on Steele, we watched all of his movies together, and he was the best thing about The Lawnmower Man. Or, more accurately, his five-day beard was the best thing about that movie, the best onscreen scruff until Karl Urban as McCoy in the 2009 Star Trek (with Ralph Fiennes in Strange Days coming in third).







See? Hot. Not quite Deborah Gibson in Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus-level hotness, but few things are.

Anyway, though they'd never been masterpieces of subtlety, the Bond movies by this point were falling prey to the unfortunate late-nineties tendency to just make shit bigger and bigger and bigger. And there's no denyng that this movie, Brosnan's third, is a big piece of CGI-enhanced shit, and no amount of scruffiness will change that.



Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, and Alexia Staniotes
know this movie is more than enough.



May 26, 2013 The World is Not Enough
This was not Pierce Brosnan's final turn as James Bond, but it probably should have been. Also, Denise Richards plays a nuclear physicist named Christmas Jones, so there's that.
More than enough pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, Alexia Staniotes, and other Elektras.


Sunday, May 19, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(octopussy)

There's a lot of reasons why they probably should have stopped making James Bond movies by the early 1980s.

Roger Moore was too old and too not-caring, certainly, and didn't really wanna do it anymore. And the fact that they decided to have him dress as a clown suggests that maybe, just maybe, they were out of ideas. Out of good ideas, anyway.

Then there's the theme song.



Is that even a song? Is there a melody or a hook that I'm not hearing? And, seriously, why is the name of the song not "Octopussy?" Why (ahem) pussy out on that one?

We may never know. And, like Roger Moore, we don't care anyway.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly and Maura Sipila
actually care. They care way, way too much, in fact.



May 19, 2013 Octopussy
On the other hand, "Octopussy" totally refers to a penis. What else could it be?
Eight-sided wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Maura Sipila, and other sephalopod.


Sunday, May 12, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the man with the golden gun)

Guys! Pay attention, please. This is very important.

SHERIFF J.W. PEPPER IS BACK.

As is James Bond, but, whatever.



Sheriff J. W. Pepper!

Also, there will be deadly games of cat-and-mouse, so please dress accordingly.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Ziad Ezzat
will not be back, if they can possibly help it.



May 12, 2013 The Man with the Golden Gun
Is the gun his penis? Oh, probably.
Moore pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Ziad Ezzat, and other Scaramangas.


Sunday, May 5, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(you only live twice)

It's always fun to watch movies in which the lead actor would clearly be somewhere else.

And in 1967, it was clear that Sean Connery would have been anywhere else other than making another goddamn James Bond movie.

He was so bored, he couldn't even work up the energy to get a boner as a sexy redhead straddled him.





And yet, for some reason, he played Bond two more times after this. Must have been the perks.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Ira Emisg
have never read Ian Fleming''s original book. Have you? Didn't think so.



May 5, 2013 You Only Live Twice
Sean Connery's last outing as James Bond, not counting the next two he did.
Blofeldian wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Ira Emsig, and other SPECTREs.






Sunday, April 28, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(robinson crusoe on mars)

Not to be lazy by just rewriting blurbs from last week, but, um, if you don't watch Trailers From Hell, you really ought to, because it's the best.

In fact, it is so much the best that we're just going to let Joe Dante Mick Garris talk about this week's feature.





It also bears mentioning that not only is this directed by the guy who did War of the Worlds, but right after this, he went on to work on the pilot of Star Trek. And, whooboy, can you tell.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Tim Kay
have never read Daniel Defoe's original book. Have you? Didn't think so.



April 28, 2013 Robinson Crusoe on Mars
Kids, ask your parents to Google "Robinson Crusoe" for you.
Simian pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, Tim Kay, and other Fridays.


Sunday, April 21, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the angry red planet)

As we mentioned last week, if you don't watch Trailers From Hell, you really ought to, because it's the best.

In fact, it is so much the best that we're just going to let Joe Dante talk about this week's feature.





In other words, this may well be the the greatest movie we've ever done. But you'll have to come down to find out.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Tristan Buckner
will find out...IN CINEMAGIC!



April 21, 2013 The Angry Red Planet
The only movie about Mars to ever properly acknowledge the existence of bat-rat-spider monsters.
CineMagical wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Tristan Buckner, and other planeteers.


Sunday, April 14, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(mission to mars)

Do you watch Trailers From Hell? If you don't, you really ought to. It's the best. Three days a week, Trailers From Hell offers up a trailer for an older film along with a new commentary (and not just snarky commentary like we do at Bad Movie Night) by a moviemaker who loves it. Called "Gurus" because that's totally what they are, the three dozen-ish commentators include site founder Joe Dante (director of Matinee and Gremlins) and contemporaries such as John Landis, along with younger kids like Eli Roth and the e'er-adorable Edgar Wright.

They've done plenty of trailer from famous directors, including some of their most interesting work. One of those directors they've covered is Brian DePalma, director of this week's feature.

Let's look at the movies of his Trailers From Hell has commentarized!

My boyfriend Edgar Wright is a big DePalma fan, and covered one of the great mid-70s musicals (and an early Bad Movie Night feature), Phantom of the Paradise.



The just too-damn-cute Edgar also talked about DePalma's The Fury.



Josh Olson, who is cute in a very different way from Edgar, disussed DePalma's Blow Out.



All those (as well as Scarface and Get to Know Your Rabbit), and yet, they haven't done a commentary on the trailer for this week's feature. Can't imagine why.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Alexia Staniotes, and Dan Foley
will find out, oh yes they will.



April 14, 2013 Mission to Mars
Y'know what would be boring? Going on a mission to Mars. This movie proves it.
Unaccomplished pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Alexia Staniotes, Dan Foley, and other missionaries.


Sunday, April 7, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(john carter)

Okay. Gonna ask you guys to do a little homework.

Just because this week's feature is one of the biggest flops of 2013, that's no reason for you to be ill-prepared, is it? No, it most certainly is not. So.

For this movie to make any sense at all, you must familiarize yourself with the following deeply intellectual documentary.





Get to work. There will be a quiz.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Mike Spiegelman
have already failed the quiz, which is why they have to watch this movie.



April 7, 2013 John Carter
A stunning biopic of our 39th President, aka History's Greatest Monster, and his adventures on Mars. Or something.
Overbudgeted wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Mike Spiegelman, and other princesses.


Sunday, March 31, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(red dawn)

Hot damn! It's our anniversary, you guys.

On March 27, 2005, Jim Fourniadis and Ty McKenzie unleashed Bad Movie Night on an unsuspecting world.

Damn. Eight years of bad movies on Sunday nights. That's, like, four hundred and ten-ish weeks of copyright violation love.

No one thought it would last. Some of you were hoping it wouldn't. You know who you are.

One former Dark Room regular actively boycotts Bad Movie Night, claiming it "just makes us all that much more stupid." To that, we say...um...er...your mom!

Someone else allegedly said that we should be burned down for making fun of It's a Wonderful Life, as we do every December.

But the scorn fueled us, like tiger blood fuels Charlie Sheen. (Topical!) (At least, it would have been in 2011!)

In honor of the haters—hello, haters!—we're once again showing the flick that started things off in those sepia-toned days of the mid-Aughts: the 1984 paramilitary fantasy Red Dawn, in which multicultural Commies take over the USA. Or at least a budget-friendly midwestern town.

Come on down and take over The Dark Room as we celebrate eight years of Bad Movie Night making the world stupid for everyone. Especially your mom.

Your hosts will be Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, Rose Lacy,
and ZOMG Teh Wolverines!!!11!!1



Bad Movie Night's Eighth Anniversary!
March 31, 2013 Red Dawn
Patrick Swayze plays a high-school football player leading a bunch of kids in a battle against multicultural commies.
Painful, probably socialist math: this will be the ninth time we've done this movie.
Socialized pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, Rose Lacy, and other Wolverines!!!11!!1







Sunday, March 24, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(dredd)

Okay, we admit it. This movie a) came out in September, b) was not a blockbuster (it was one of the biggest flops of the year, in fact), and c) whether or not Judge Dredd qualifies as a superhero is debatable.

On the other hand, it may be the most ruthlessly entertaining movie we do all month. (Yeah, even moreso than The Avengers. Deal with it.)

So what do YouTube people have to say about it?

My not-really-my-girlfriend girlfriend Grace Randolph is wearing a plain black shirt in her review.





Jereremy Jahns is wearing pretty much the same thing he ever wears.





Angry Joe is not worth looking at at all. So, I'd recommend you don't.





These guys could put a little more effort into their wardrobe, and their sound recording is lousy, but their accents are kinda cute.





And this kid in the blue hoodie goes straight for the obvious pun.





Wait, what we were talking about again?

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, and Maura Sipila
will not reach a verdict on this movie.



March 24, 2013 Dredd
A reboot of a movie based on a comic book that nobody realized was based on a comic book in the first place.
Dreadful pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, Maura Sipila, and other helmet-heads.




Sunday, March 17, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the dark knight rises)

And then there was last year's other big superhero movie. (Not counting Dredd, which we're doing next week because, what the heck, there are four Sundays to fill.)

It's probably not possible to have two large-scale, professionally made superhero films that are more different in their tone that The Avengers and this week's movie. There have been zillions of other superhero movies this past decade, obviously, but to have these two come out in the same summer made 2012 kinda top-heavy.

And, between you and me? I liked this week's movie better. That's why I scheduled myself to host. (I am neither Mikl-Em or John Hell, if that helps you narrow it down.)

In any event, you should start getting your Bane impressions ready, and the best way (well, a way) to do it is to watch YouTube videos of people doing it. Like this guy.





And then there's this guy.





Or this guy.





And if you want to do it without looking like you're mid-sneeze, there's this guy.





You're welcome. Now get to work.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and John Hell
are not anybody's reckoning.



March 17, 2013 The Dark Knight Rises
The final Batman film evar until the next one.
Yeasty wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, John Hell, and other banes.




Sunday, March 10, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the avengers)

So, here's what there is to say about this movie: sure, it's fun. It's competent. It made a hundred zillion dollars, so it must be good.

Is it above being mocked or having the b-word applied to it? I guess we'll find out.

The thing is, while we appreciate the presence of Cobie Smulders (seen above) in this movie, there's one seriously weak link, acting-wise.

The fact that pretty much everyone on the planet finds her fuckable has helped her sidestep her lack of acting chops, but damnit, if you're going to go all ga-ga over a blonde in black leather in a movie called The Avengers, may we suggest the movie with the blond in black leather who can truly act?



It's a bad movie, but at least it doesn't have Scarlett Johansson in it. Which, unfortunately, this week's does.



Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Tim Kay
would prefer to avenge Harry Dean Stanton instead.



March 10, 2013 The Avengers
Okay, I'm almost positive this is the one about the passage of the 13th Amendment.
Whedonesque pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Tim Kay, and other ironmen.




Sunday, March 3, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(the amazing spider-man)

Oh, here it comes.

More than any other month, when we do superhero movies, that's when people tend to get "Hey, that's not a bad movie!" and up in our grill about daring to make a fun of a movie that they like.

At least, we fully expect that to happen over the next few weeks with The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises.

This movie? Not so much.

In any event, here's what Mike and Jay at Red Letter Media had to say about it.



To hear what we have to say about it, come on down this Sunday.



Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Tristan Buckner
will be amazed if this movie doesn't suck.



March 3, 2013 The Amazing Spider-Man
Warning: You will not be amazed.
Rebooted wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Tristan Buckner, and other slingers.




Sunday, February 24, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(abraham lincoln: vampire hunter)

Y'know, this is the kind of thing that makes that makes Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters look like it has a degree of thematic integrity which other literary mashups lack. Jane Austen's characters never encountered zombies or sea monsters, and Lincoln never battled vampires (probably!), but Hansel and Gretel totally killed a witch. So there's that.

But we're not watching Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters this week. We're watching one of those other ones.

For now, let's watch Grace Randolph from Beyond the Trailer chart the arc of the movie. On May 22, 2012, she compared it with the Spielberg picture before either had come out. She wasn't wrong, though she was perhaps a little over-optimistic about this movie's chances.



On June 22, she reviewed the movie itself, putting it in the context of other upcoming films concerning slavery. She finds it wanting, though the audiences she interviews like it well enough.



Finally, on June 25, she discussed all the ways the movie failed: financially and otherwise. But mostly financially. It's kinda glorious, especially how the original book's author's career has taken a dive.





But not so glorious is the movie itself, which we'll have to watch.



Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Ira Emsig
also have a thematic integrity this movie lacks.



February 24, 2013 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
The story of the passage of the 13th Amendment. (Or was that a different movie?)
Honest pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Ira Emsig, and other railsplitters.


Sunday, February 17, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(battleship)

The thing of it is, doing a movie based on a board game isn't an inherently bad idea.

In some ways, it should be a more fertile source of storytelling than a book, because inevitably you're going to lose everything that made the book special, but a board game is much more of a blank slate, and sometimes a blank slate is exactly what the kind of freedom filmmakers need. (And don't even get me started on the "Why can't Hollywood come up with original ideas?" argument.)

The primary example of this is the 1985 movie Clue, which while not exactly great, is not bad at all.



One of The Dark Room's earliest and most popular stage adaptations was a live version of the movie. While there's no video of it online, the movie keeps inspiring adaptations, including this pretty damned good one from a bunch of high school kids.



Oh, kids these days, with their well-done adaptations of movies that came out a decade before they were born!

The point of it is, a movie inspired by a board game is not necessarily a bad idea, and sometimes it can become a beloved cult classic.

All that said, there will not be a live version of this week's feature at The Dark Room anytime soon, and chances are high schoolers will not be doing their own versions of it in 2039.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Jim Fourniadis, and Alexia Staniotes
will not be sunk by this movie.



February 17, 2013 Battleship
Oh, Hasbro. You...I mean, really, the decisions you guys make, it's...just, oh, Hasbro.
Sunken wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Tristan Buckner, Alexia Staniotes, and other shippers.




Sunday, February 10, 2013
At Oddball Film + Video, 275 Capp
8PM, $10


(ninja iii: the domination)

For pretty much every Sunday since March 2005, we've done Bad Movie Night at The Dark Room.

Until this Sunday. The Dark Room is being used for the final night of SF Sketchfest, so Bad Movie Night is moving around the corner to Oddball Film + Video.

Don't worry! We'll be back at The Dark Room on February 18 to do Battleship. Though you should be worried about Battleship, because it's pretty lousy.

So is the movie we'll be doing at Oddball, but at least it's a fun kind of lousy. Here's what L.A. Morse had to say about it Video Trash & Treasures II:



Kat Shuchter, Programmer at Oddball and co-conspirator on this adventure, is quite the fan of the film, and she edited this pretty-much-says-it-all video:



Come to think of it, that doesn't quite say it all. Come to Oddball Film + Video (275 Capp, around two corners from The Dark Room) and say the rest of it with us.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Jim Fourniadis, and Alexia Staniotes
will dominate this movie right back.



February 10, 2013 Ninja III: The Domination
Bad Movie Night In Exile! We won't be around The Dark Room; instead, we'll be around the corner at Oddball Film + Video, 275 Capp.

More details as they stealthily emerge from the shadows like ninjas.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Jim Fourniadis, and other exiles.



Sunday, February 3, 2013
8PM, $6.99


(prometheus)

For my birthday this last year, I decided to go see Prometheus.

I didn't go to movies in the theater that often—they're stupidly expensive, and I hate crowded movie theaters, epsecially when people talk over movies, which isn't ironic in the least—so it was kind of a big deal for me.

It was a Saturday, and my real-life girlfriend and I went to the matinee showing at the CineArts at the Empire in West Portal. We got lucky; very few people were in the theater with us, and most of them were loners who kept quiet. Perfect!

Except for the fact that Prometheus was practically drowned out by this week's feature, which had opened the night before and was playing on one of the other screens. The thudding bass (and quite a lot of treble) made it difficult to concentrate on our movie.

Still, it could have been worse. Rock of Ages was actually playing two screens over, and between us and it was The Exotic Marigold Hotel. Man oh man, did I feel sorry for the old people who just wanted to enjoy their quiet little Judi Dench film. Sucked to be them.

Speaking of things that suck, let's look at what people on the YouTubes have to say about Prometheus.

JeremyJahns explains how it's an Alien prequel, and also not.



ChrisStuckmann spends twenty minutes attempting to explain the film over a chill techno beat.



Though I'm an atheist, I was immediately annoyed by the TheAmazingAtheist. He doesn't know how to record sound properly, and seriously, that facial hair and wispy ponytail? Just, no.



Red Letter Media, because of course.





And since you know how it ended, here's how it didn't end, but should have ended.





Yeah.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Dan Foley
will burst this movie's chest, except not.



February 3, 2013 Prometheus
Totally not a prequel to Alien, except for how it kinda is. Also, it totally doesn't suck, it except for how it kinda does.
Xenomorphic wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Dan Foley, and other Fassbenders.


SF Sketchfest in the Mission


Sunday, January 27, 2013
8PM, $15


SF Sketchfest Presents:
(queen of outer space)

So, it's come to this. But it's good this time: We're in SF Sketchfest again!

Continuing Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women's theme from last year, we present yet another very, very bad movie about men going into space only to discover hot babes waiting for them. While the quality of this film is better overall, not being a Roger Corman pastiche of an older Russian film like before, there's also the problem that Zsa Zsa Gabor is in it.

Don't worry, we'll run subtitles so you can actually understand what she's saying. Though I'm not sure why you'd want to understand what she's saying.

Also, a fun fact: Zsa Zsa is not in fact the queen in question (even though we claimed she was in our blurb). Zsa Zsa doesn't like the queen very much at all!



Here's Allan Arkush on Trailers from Hell, liking the film more than he wants to admit.





We'll be joined by special guest riffer Will Franken, so get your tickets now! (It'll cost a few more Gabors than usual, but it'll be worth it, we promise.)

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis,Sherilyn Connelly, and Will Franken
will be the king(s) and queen of outer space snark.



January 27, 2013 BMN: SF Sketchfest Edition!
In the mid-twentieth century, filmmakers created many bold visions of what humankind might find up among the stars. However, the 1958 stinkburger Queen of Outer Space is not one of the bolder visions, though it does have Zsa Zsa Gabor as the (heh) titular space queen.

Get your tickets now! Hurry! (It'll cost a few more Gabors to get in, but it'll be worth it.)


Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and special guest riffer Will Franken.




Sunday, January 27, 2013


(snow white and the huntsman)

So, it's come to this. A remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Actually, that's not really fair. It's an ancient story which had been told many times even before Disney appropriated it. But, you know, it's still the whole dumb stupid "dark fantasy" thing that's going around these days. And it's not far off from last week's feature, in a lot of ways. So much gray! And no real reason for it to exist!

But exist it does, and there's nothing we can do to change that. So let's look at some of the other versions.

This is what a commerical for the Disney film sounds like when you're watching it on the Disney Channel in the Czech Republic.



Courtesy of the nightmare factory that was Childhood Productions, here's the trailer for Snow White and Rose Red. I'm pretty sure that getting dumped off at theaters showing this kind of thing as children is why boomers are so screwed up.



Well before Snow White met the Huntsman (wait, who?), there was this "dark" version.



Speaking of "dark" versions, here's one that's more of a dork version—Snow White: A Deadly Summer!



This happened back in the day, and there's nothing we can do to make it un-happen.



But let's all do what we can to make sure it never happens again. Not making movies like this week's feature would be a good start.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis,Tim Kay, and Mikl-Em
will feel pure as the driven slush after watching this movie.



January 20, 2013 Snow White and the Huntsman
You remember that story, right? The huntsman? That was a thing, wasn't it?
Pitch black pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis,Tim Kay, Mikl-Em, and other stewarts.


Sunday, January 13, 2013


(total recall)

So, it's come to this. A remake of Total Recall.

The hell of it is, in a lot of ways the movie was very much ripe for a remake, in that they could have gone back to the source material and made it more faithful to Philip K. Dick. Y'know who was originally supposed to direct the movie in the late 80s? David effin' Cronenberg, that's who.

Sigh. Instead, we have this. So what did people on the Tubes think about it?

My eternal girlfriend at BeyondTheTrailer lays out what went wrong.



Jeremy Jahns says it's a good enough movie for August, sans alcohol.



However, the never-hyperbolic Alex Jones insists that it's a primer for how the globalists plan to take over. So there's that. (And the Info Wars guys are the ones who put the flyers of Obama-as-Hitler all over San Francisco last year, so they're clearly some pretty deep thinkers.)



Oh, and there's no Mars in this one. Nobody gets their ass to Mars. Darn globalists!

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Maura Sipila, Dan Foley
can't wait to forget this movie.



January 13, 2013 Total Recall (2012)
A loose adaptation gets remade for no reason. Yay Hollywood!
Forgettable wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Maura Sipila, Dan Foley, and other amnesiacs.




Sunday, January 6, 2013


(snakes on a plane)

You heard about it back in the mid-aughts. You laughed about it.

You probably even blogged about it on your Geocities account or whatever, you motherfuckin' nerd.

But you didn't actually pay ten bucks to see it, did you?

Didn't think so. You probably barely even remember that it existed, or that movies once cost ten bucks and were shown in 2-D.

But that's okay. We here at Bad Movie Night exist to make sure you get a chance to see internet-famous financial flops which you'll probably never get around to putting in your Netflix queue.

You probably shouldn't watch it on teevee, though. It won't be quite what you expect:



Anyway, it's our tradition here. It's how we started 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012, after all.

And those years turned out great, huh?

2013 will be better. We promise.* *promise not valid anywhere, ever.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Damien Chacona, and Andy Wenger
have not yet had enough of this motherfucking movie.



Annual Kickoff Movie!
January 6, 2013 Snakes on a Plane
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by motherfucking snakes.
Slithery wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Andy Wenger, Damien Chacona, and other bad motherfuckers.