BAD MOVIE NIGHT ARCHIVE
2012

(that means you missed them.)





Sunday, December 30, 2012


(end of days)

So, not only did we completely fail to destroy Christmas this time around (maybe 2013!), the world failed to end like it was supposed to. Jeez, 2012. Way to go out on a bum note, by letting us all live.

Still, I'm sure that whole "Jesus will return to judge the living and the dead" thing will totally happen.

Of course, the dumb 2012 apocalypse isn't the only dumb apocalypse in recent memory. In 1999, a lot of dumb people though there would be an apocalypse. (As a general rule, if you think there's going to be an apocalypse, you're kinda dumb.) However, the millennial dumbness did result in one really good movie: Don McKellar's Last Night.

But mostly it resulted in some really bad movies, such as The Omega Code...

...and this week's feature. Here's to hoping the world ends after all.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Ziad Ezzat, and Maura Sipila
hope that day ends before it begins.





December 30, 2012 End of Days
More like the end of Schwarzenegger's career, amirite? Zing!
Apocalyptic wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Ziad Ezzat, Maura Sipila, and other dayenders.


Sunday, December 23, 2012


(christmas evil)

Well, shoot. Thus far, neither It Happened One Christmas nor The Nutcracker in 3-D have destroyed Christmas. What gives?

That battle may have been lost, but our War on Christmas rages on, even if Fox News continues to ignore us. (Why? Because they're afraid of us, that's why. Neener!)

This week's feature is not the first Christmas-themed horror film, but as near as we can tell it is the first one where a killer dresses up as Santa, beating Silent Night, Deadly Night to that punch by four years.

It also kinda slipped through the cracks compared to that film, which received a legendarily harsh review from Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert:



On the other hand, Christmas Evil did receive one of our very favorite things, the YouTube-review treatment...

...which means Christmas Evil wins. Even if we, the audience, lose.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, and Alexia Staniotes
are not the kings of jingling.



December 23, 2012 Christmas Evil
The original killer-Santa film, and John Waters' favorite Christmas movie. Need more be said? Maybe, but we're not gonna.
Jingling wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, Alexia Staniotes, and other wingless angels.


Sunday, December 16, 2012


(the nutcracker)

And so our War On Christmas continues, with a movie that by all rights should have done the job when it was released to theaters in 2010, and when we watched it last year.

But it didn't, so we'll be giving it another shot this year.

This movie also fulfills our long-standing tradition of showing at least one "family" film which is in fact truly horrifying. The picture above should give you sense of the abject terror that awaits...

...and, quite frankly, there's nothing else I can say about this movie that its German trailer doesn't:

So, yeah. Welcome John Turturro's rat-man into your nightmares, because he's going to be there for a very long time.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, and Tristan Buckner
will probably make more testicular-trauma jokes than they really should.



December 16, 2012 The Nutcracker in 3-D
The children's story no child actually likes becomes a nighmare-inducing CGI abomination for all ages.
Unshelled wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Ira Emsig, Tristan Buckner, and other ballbusters.




Sunday, December 9, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(it happened one christmas)

(I wrote the following, which originally appeared on sfweekly.com in 2011. Now it's appearing here.)

This may be hard to be fathom, but in the mid-1970s, It's a Wonderful Life was not yet considered an unimpeachable holiday classic, but was instead a somewhat obscure financial flop which had just entered the public domain. Its television ubiquity was yet to be.

This is why the public didn't give two figs that the 1977 TV movie It Happened One Christmas starring Marlo Thomas (kids, ask your grandparents) was a brazen, sometimes shot-by-shot remake: because nobody really knew, or cared, about the original.

Besides, there was no Twitter or blogosphere yet. How were they going to express their righteous anger? On their CB radios? Anyway, I'm going to assume you know Life by heart. If you don't, I kinda envy you.

Space-Heaven is a patriarchy, and Joseph is a dick. (Fight pay TV!)



That's Wayne Rogers of M*A*S*H (and little else) in the Donna Reed role.



The one bit of truly inspired casting: professional slummer Orson Welles as Mr. Potter.



Orson saying "playing nursemaid to a bunch of garlic eaters and taxi drivers" may be reason enough for this movie to exist.



Who's going to jail? Not Marlo! I'm no fashion expert, but I think her clothes are a little anachronistic for 1944.


Cloris Leachman as Clara, the Goofy Guardian Angel. (You're better than that accent, Cloris.)



There's a dustup at Nick's on Earth-2.


Pottersville, Earth-2's Reeperbahn. More red lights, please!



Wayne Rogers has become a mechanic on Earth-2. Hey, at least he's not a librarian.



I honestly believe the original film's reputation is largely based on the final 10 minutes: specifically, the run down the street on Earth-1 yelling "Merry Christmas" at things and places...


...and the big-sing-along at the end. As Harry Bailey, an impossibly young Christopher Guest not only gives the worst line reading of his career, but the editing suggests that he's staring at Marlo like he wants to finish what Earth-2's Wayne Rogers started. Seriously, watch him at 0:41-0:44. It's creepy.



The rediscovery and redemption of It's a Wonderful Life pushed It Happened One Christmas into its own indefinite obscurity, and for years it was only available on Betamax...in Pottersville.

But we have our ways.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, and Tim Kay
will not be getting their wings.

December 9, 2012 It Happened One Christmas
A 1977 made-for-TV remake of It's a Wonderful Life starring Marlo Thomas. No, really.
Suicidal pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: herilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, Tim Kay, and other Claras.




Sunday, December 2, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(santa claus: the movie)

The Salkinds were on a roll, man. They were on a motherfucking roll.

They had a pretty solid formula: take an existing cultural icon, like Superman or The Three Musketeers, and make a movie or three about them.

Can't go wrong, y'know? Built-in audience recognition, and if you pay exorbitant amounts of money to get name stars—like Marlon Brando or Gene Hackman—that gives the project an extra bit of respectability. Even if everybody knows that the stars in question only did the movie because of the aforementioned exorbitant sums of money. Hell, that's okay too, because it means people know you gots the money and that means they know you gots the bitches, yo!

(Though the Salkinds were Frenchmen who mostly operated in the Seventies and early Eighties, we choose to believe they spoke in Millennial faux hip-hop slang. Please don't be a hater and suggest other wise. Why you be hating?)

Admittedly, their Superman movies had turned into a textbook example of diminishing returns, with Superman III a minor financial and critical flop and the spinoff Supergirl a major financial and critical flop.



But, still! Money! Bitches! And most importantly, moxie!

Having had enough of the "caped superhero" genre, they moved on to the "hirsute, morbidly obese superhero" genre: Santa Claus. They'd pour a gazillion dollars into a movie about Santa Claus—okay, it was only fifty million, but in 1984 dollars that was the same as a gazllion—and it would keep the money and bitches rolling in.

Except that, because of all the money they spent on sets and special effects and whatnot, they didn't really have much left over for big stars. So they got Dudley Moore as an elf, and John Lithgow as the bad guy, an evil corporate bigwig who's only interested in money and bitches. (Meta!)

And to play Santa, they got the guy who delivered the "but we don't want the Irish" line from Blazing Saddles. Man, that was great, wasn't it? Let's enjoy it right now:



Heh. "Aw, prairie shit."

Anyway, to direct they hired Jeannot Szwarc, who'd helmed the disastrous Supergirl. But at least he knew how to take orders, unlike, say, Richard Donner. Even that limey cocksucker Richard Lester hadn't gotten a bit uppity during Superman III.

And...yeah. The movie made less than half its budget back, it did nothing for anyone's career, and as for the bitches?

Trust us, you don't wanna know.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman and Rose Lacy
will stuff a lump of snark in this movie's stocking.

December 2, 2012 Santa Claus: The Movie
The guys who made the first three Superman movies try to do the same with Santa Claus. It turns out about as well as Superman IV.
Reindeer-powered wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Rose Lacy, and other blitzens.




Sunday, November 25, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(rock of ages)

For my birthday this past June, I decided to go see Prometheus.

I don't go to movies in the theater that often—they're stupidly expensive, and I crowded movie theater, epsecially when people talk over movies, which isn't ironic in the least—so this was kind of a big deal for me.

It was a Saturday, and my real-life girlfriend and I went to the matinee showing at the CineArts at the Empire in West Portal. We got lucky; very few people were in the theater with us, and most of them were loners who kept quiet. Perfect!

Except for the fact that Prometheus was practically drowned out by this week's feature, which had opened the night before and was playing on one of the other screens. The thudding bass (and quite a lot of treble) made it difficult to concentrate on our movie.

Still, it could have been worse. Rock of Ages was actually playing two screens over, and between us and it was The Exotic Marigold Hotel. Man oh man, did I feel sorry for the old people who just wanted to enjoy their quiet little Judi Dench film. Sucked to be them.

Speaking of things that suck, let's look at some of the YouTube reviews for this week's feature.

JeremyJahns is back, and he says that if you profess that Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is the best of the Grand Theft Auto games, you're going to enjoy this movie, dude.



My make-believe girlfriend Grace Randolph first discusses the evolution of the juxebox musical...



...and then deconstructs why the movie flopped, vis-à-vis the problem of the movie star. Goddamn, she's smart when she's beuatiful.



Turn your volume down before starting Chris Stuckmann's review. Or don't start it at all. Actually, yeah, don't.



Finally, a review of the video game from IGN Entertainment. If you ask me, they didn't capture the feeling of the movie very well.





By the way, it's Alexia's birthday. Hey, all birthday movies can't be Prometheus (which we'll get to next year).

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Tim Kay, and Alexia Staniotes
are looking forward to the first iPod musical.

November 25, 2012 Rock of Ages
There is not nearly enough cocaine in the 2010s to make Tom Cruise as a hair-metal god seem like a good idea.
REO pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Tim Kay, Alexia Staniotes, and other leppards.


Sunday, November 18, 2012
8PM, $6.99


( footloose)

There's a lot of reasons this movie has no reason to exist.

But the most entertaining one, far more entertaining than the movie itself, is the fact that it was supposed to be a vehicle for Zac Efron, the kid from High School Musical. He decided not to do it (resulting in many entertainment news writers using the same "cut loose" jokes in their headlines), but for some reason the movie got made anyway, starring some other guy that nobody knows who he is. Granted, Efron isn't exactly on peoples' minds these days, either.

Anyway, the movie came and went, but our friends the YouTube reviewers took note of it.

JeremyJahns gave this movie a miss altogether, but BeyondTheTrailer's Grace Randolph is here to save the day.



The review by SchmoesKnow demonstrates that putting the word "funny" in the title of your video is a warning sign.



The whattheflickshow crew is old enough to have seen the original in the theater. So am I, come to think of it, and I did.. Ouch.



I'm not convinced that Mr. Moviefone understands the difference between a "review" and a "blurb."



Nor am I convinced that MovieManMenzel even exists. He's probably just elaborate CGI.





But this movie exists, with or without Zac Efron, and we're just going to have to deal with it.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, and Maura Sipila
will not give the boy a hand.

November 18, 2012 Footloose (2011)
Look, it could have been worse. They could have remade She's Having a Baby.
Pasty wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, Maura Sipila, and other teases.


Sunday, November 11, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(kiss meets the phantom of the park)

This movie raises an important question: What the hell was the deal with the Seventies?

My inclination is to say "Cocaine," but it can't be as simple as that, can it?

The apocryphal story goes like this: KISS were the one of most popular bands in the world. (Okay, that part's not apocryphal.) Given their music and on-stage theatrics and general comic-book quality, making a movie seemed to be the next logical step. Kinda like Britney Spears a couple decades later with Crossroads.

They were offered the part of the Future Villain Band in the legendary stinkburger, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Gene and the boys declined, being able to tell from a mile away that the movie would suck.

Besides, they had egos as big as their boots. They wanted to be the stars, with their name in the title and everything.

So they made Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park instead.

Shot on location at Magic Mountain, and produced by Hanna-Barbera, who gave the world Scrappy-Doo.

And...yeah.

Gotta go with the "cocaine" on this one.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Jason Wiener,
do not want to rock and roll all nite.

November 11, 2012 KISS Meets the Phantom of Park
There was a time when cocaine was plentiful enough for this movie to seem like a good idea, and that time was the 1970s.
Detroit rock pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Jason Wiener, and other black diamonds.


Sunday, November 6, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(burlesque)

Oh, Christina. You tried. I guess. If this movie qualifies as "trying."

As a species, we haven't really learned anything from Glitter, have we?

Anyhow, the most fun this movie had to offer happened before it was released, when the legendarily overrated Dita Von Teese told The Daily Express that "I just hope it is representative of what neo-burlesque is and people who see the movie arenít put off by it."

Neo-burlesque, you see. And the thing about both this movie in general and burlesque performances overall is that seeing them at all kinds puts you off of them. (I am not a fan of burlesque, in case you hadn't worked that you.)

I also adore this quote, when asked if she was going to actually see the film: "Well. I donít really go to the movie theatre often. I much prefer to see real-life burlesque shows and performances." Uh-huh. So she would always rather see a bump-and-grind than an actual movie. Sounds like a miserable existence, but hey, to each their own.

Speaking of each's own (huh?), let's enjoy some YouTube reviews of the film!

Our pal JeremyJahns says the film is exactly what you'd expect it to be.



While Jeremy Jahns represents the straight man's point of view on the film, HRSExperience has a considerably different perspective. And he takes much longer.



omgreviews123 insists that acting was really not that bad.



And over at BeyondTheTrailer, I completely approve of my imaginary YouTube girlfriend Grace Randolph's loose-fitting baby tee.



To get ready for the movie, be sure to listen to Paul Scheer and friends talk about it on the How Did This Get Made? podcast. Or not.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Tristan Buckner
will Cher all their best snark.

November 4, 2012 Burlesque
Turns out that Christina Aguilera writhing in lingerie doesn't automatically make it a good movie. Also, Cher. Just, Cher. Did we mention Cher? Cher.
Pasty wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Tristan Buckner, and other teases.




Sunday, October 28, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(the twilight saga: breaking dawn, part 1)

Okay. Two things which I've said before but will say again because it beats trying to think of something new to write about these fucking movies)—

First:

TEAM BELLA 4-EVA, BITCHES!!!1!11!!1


Second: fuck you, Stephen King.



"Stephen King is not better than Stephanie Meyer. He will never be better. He is equal to, just as good as, and exactly the same as in almost every single way but differently."

That settles that, pretty much.

Bring on the sparkliness! (And the, um, werewolves with six-pack abs.)

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Alexia Staniotes
promise to twi' their 'tardest.

October 28, 2012 The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1
Because OMG Bella and Edward!!!
Sparkly pandemonium has not yet stopped reigning.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, and other teamsters.


Sunday, October 21, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(fright night)

Because it keeps needing to be said, I'm going to keep saying it: remakes get a bad rap.

People say remakes are lazy and a sign of creative bankruptcy, and why can't Hollywood come up with any new ideas? (These same people made The Avengers, one of the least "new" ideas ever made, into one of the highest-grossing films ever. So.)

Here's the thing: remakes are not new. Movies were being remade as early as the 1920s. Like any other work of art, a film by defintion is a product of its time, and remaking an existing work for a new generation of viewers is a hallowed tradition. Hitchock made The Man Who Knew Too Much twice, feeling that he didn't really nail it until the second try.

And since vampires are the hot thing, vampire movies from every era are being remade, such as this week's feature. And the fact of that matter is, vampire movies have been being made since the silent era, so they've never been a "new" idea.

By the way, this week's feature already spawned a sequel, so this well's been getting drained for a long time. And let's enjoy the trailer for the sequel!



Anyway, The Ten Commandments and The Wizard of Oz (by all accounts cinema classics), were also both remakes. Are you getting the point?

The fact is, when a remake sucks, it's not because remakes are inherently sucky. It's because the vast majority of movies suck, period.

And that's where we come in.

So we give you a month of movies which suck whether they're remakes or not.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Sherilyn Connelly
are looking forward to the remake of The Avengers.

October 21, 2012 Fright Night (2011)
Because if they called it Fright Day, it wouldn't be a remake and they'd have to think of a whole new movie.
Nocturnal wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Sherilyn Connelly, and other duskers.


Sunday, October 14, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(blade: trinity)

Successful movies breed imitators. It's not just the way Hollywood works, it's the way global cinema works. In fact, it's more prevalent in the rest of the world than it is in America.

Case in point: the genre known as the Spaghetti Western. It started with the Sergio Leone films starring Clint Eastwood (1964's A Fistful of Dollars and its sequels), and in the late 1960s the Italian film industry went batshit crazy with them. (Y'know, kind of like the American film industry does with, like, vampires and stuff.) (Just sayin'.)

Anyway, some scholars contend that the Spaghetti Western genre began to die when the menace and grit of the Leone films gave way to comedy, epitomized by the Trinity films. The first was 1970's Lo Chiamavano Trinità... starring Terence Hill and Bud Spencer, released in America as My Name is Trinity... or They Call Me Trinity..., but always with the ellipsis, because the Italians love overpunctuating their titles.



Hill and Spencer reprised their roles in the 1971 sequel ...Continuavano a Chiamarlo Trinità, the American title of which dropped the ellipsis but added add all-caps and exclamation urgency: Trinity Is STILL My Name!



Those were the last of the of the official Trinity films, though Terence Hill did make a late-period Spaghetti Western in 1973 with Henry Fonda called My Name is Nobody, which may or may not have been intended to cash in on the titles of his previous films.

None of this has anything to do with this week's feature, but that's only because it's a very bad movie that we don't want to talk about, let alone have to watch and riff. But we will.

Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Tim Kay...
are STILL the names of your hosts this week!

October 14, 2012 Blade: Trinity
Because Blade: Now There's Two Other People Who Are Not Wesley Snipes wouldn't fit on a marquee.
Untested nuclear pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Tim Kay, and other tripartites.




Sunday, October 7, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(dracula 2000)

The kids these days, they don't remember how it was.

They don't know what it was like during Y2K. They don't know that not only did we have to deal with the impendng apocalypse (which the Bible totally said was going to happen on December 31, 1999, honest!), there were also all the movies which attached the word "2000" just because they could.

Like the unnecessary sequel to The Blues Brothers.



Or a Pokemon movie, for no apparent reason.



You could even throw it onto something called Ninja Mission, because it's not like anyone was going to stop you.



And though it was made in 1975 and set in the far-flung future of 2000 and thus almost had the right to have the year in the title and does not quite fit in this list, let's enjoy the trailer for Death 2000.



And we'll also try to enjoy this week's feature, but we'll probably fail.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, and Maura Sipila
are hoping Y2K hits before they have to watch this movie.

October 7, 2012 Dracula 2000
Because it's Dracula -- in the year 2000!
Stokery wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, Maura Sipila, and other millennials.




Sunday, September 30, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(the lord of the rings:
the return of the king (part two)
)

Hey, this is our first Best Picture winner!

...except it's not. I keep saying it is, but I'm wrong about that. We did Titanic, after all, but I keep blocking out the memory. It's probably because I refuse to acknowledge that Titanic won Best Picture.

Therefore, hey, this is our first Best Picture winner!

As I've rambled on about at great length in the past, I could never get into any of the Tolkien books. I did enjoy the Rankin/Bass specials well enough, especially The Return of the King. And I had the soundtrack album, so of course I knew it by heart. For as fine as the actors in the Peter Jackson films are, for me, John Huston will always be Gandalf, and whoever did Frodo will always be Frodo.

Of course, all anyone really remembers are the songs, many of which were sung by a skinny human with a huge honker. (Rankin/Bass had a thing for big schnozzes.)



An argument could be made that they got a bit too much mileage out of rhyming "The wearer of the ring" and "the bearer of the ring," especially since they mean the same thing.



The most popular will always be "Where There's a Whip, There's a Way," probably because of the fact that it's a disco song. It's its own dance remix!



Gotta go with Eowyn getting all semantic up in the Witch King's grill as my personal favorite, though.



Oh, and the Rankin/Bass movie is only 97 minutes long. The Peter Jackson movie is...much, much longer. In fact, it may never end.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, and Ira Emsig
will not have a whip, and may not have a way.

September 30, 2012 The Lord of the Rings:
The Return of the King
(Part Two)

They finally get there, and win Best Picture, for some reason.
Doomed wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, Ira Emsig, and other nazgûl.


Sunday, September 16, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(the lord of the rings:
the two towers (part two)
)

We said this last week, but it bears repeating:

Oooh, Brad Dourif is in this one!

As we venture deep into the murkiest part of these films, who is there to greet us? Brad Dourif, that's who!

We at Bad Movie Night love Brad Dourif. Let's enjoy some Brad Dourif in other things!

He was very Douriffy in David Lynch's Dune.



Speaking of sci-fi things, he was also hella Douriffy in (the very underrated) Star Trek: Voyager.



Then there was what most people think of the original source of Douriffiness, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest:



And though many people have forgotten it, we will not forget the Douriffosity he brought to Exorcist III.



Oh, how we love Dourifficiousness. It almost makes everything else worth it. (Almost.)

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Mike Spiegelman
wish Brad Dourif played everyone in everything ever.

September 16, 2012 The Lord of the Rings:
The Two Towers
(Part Two)

Continuing to still walk.
Wormtongued wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Mike Spiegelman, and other palantíri.


Sunday, September 9, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(the lord of the rings:
the two towers (part one)
)

Oooh, Brad Dourif!

As we venture deep into the murkiest part of these films, who is there to greet us? Brad Dourif, that's who!

We at Bad Movie Night love Brad Dourif. Let's enjoy some Brad Dourif in other things!

He was very Douriffy in David Lynch's Dune.



Speaking of sci-fi things, he was also hella Douriffy in (the very underrated) Star Trek: Voyager.



Then there was what most people think of the original source of Douriffiness, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest:



And though many people have forgotten it, we will not forget the Douriffosity he brought to Exorcist III.



Oh, how we love Dourifficiousness. It almost makes everything else worth it. (Almost.)

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, John Hell, and Jason Wiener
wish Brad Dourif played everyone in everything ever.

September 9, 2012 The Lord of the Rings:
The Two Towers
(Part One)

Still walking.
Treebearded pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, John Hell, Jason Wiener, and other ents.




Sunday, September 2, 2012
8PM, $6.99


(the lord of the rings:
the fellowship of the ring
)

Okay, here we go.

My family loved these books when I was growing up. I'm grown up now, and so far as I know, they still love the books, and ...

Y'know what? To heck with it. This week, I'm just going to reprint what I wrote last year about Ralph Bakshi's 1978 animated The Lord of the Rings. We'll talk about deeper things next week. Or not. Probably not. But, for now...

...oh, you kids today. You think that the seventies were all about disco and wide lapels and bell-bottoms and Star Wars. And it was about those things, yes, but it was also about a movie industry that had no clue what to do with itself—at least, not until Star Wars (and Jaws right before it) came around.

Before that, things were kinda weird. At the beginning of the decade, the studio system was breaking down, youth-oriented movies like Bonnie and Clyde and Easy Rider were huge hits, and the people with the money were casting their nets wide, trying to find something/anything with counterculture cachet which could rake in those bucks. Any bucks, really. And since "safe," "family-friendly" movies weren't doing it anymore, it was okay if the movies were a bit ribald. Risque. Racially charged, even.

That's where Ralph Bakshi stepped in.

He'd been toiling away in the animation salt mines for well over a decade when he made his first feature film in 1972, based on R. Crumb's comix character. Though it was made with independent financing, there's no way it could have been produced or distributed had the major studios not been attempting to do the same thing anyway.



It was a smash hit, the most financially successfully independently produced animated film ever (up to 1972), and also the first cartoon to get an X rating. Crumb hated it, and killed off the character in his comix in protest—which didn't stop another producer from making a Bakshi-less sequel, The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat, a few years later, since killing the character on paper didn't change the fact that he'd sold off the film rights. Nice try, Bob.

Bakshi continued on with 1973's Heavy Traffic, which combined animation with live action, his signature trick. It was a sloppy signature, but by god, it was a signature, and it continued until they stopped letting him making movies twenty years later (two words: Cool World). Anyway, Traffic delved deeper into his obsessions with ubran decay and racial stereotypes of all stripes:



1975 brought Bakshi's most Bakshi-riffic film. My video store in Fresno had a VHS copy (kept on the "Mature" shelf in our Adult section) under the name Streetfight, which I guess is supposed to be less offensive than its original title:



Is it an offensive title and/or an offensive film? I don't know. 1975 was a different time—I mean, I guess it was, I was only two years old at the time so my memories are a bit fuzzy on the subject—and we can't fairly apply our 2011 sensibilities to it. All that said, I am willing to state that the movie's opening theme song by Scatman Crothers is awesome from a strictly musical standpoint:



I have absolutely no opinion about it from a lyrical standpoint. His scatting is great, but that's why he was called Scatman, duh.

Bakshi shifted directions after Coonstreetfightskin, moving into the now more-profitable fantasy realm with the obviously-named Wizards. It's also the first film in his career on which he's credited as the producer as well as the writer and director, so depending on your take on the auteur theory, it's the first movie for which he can be solely blamed—or praised, since a lot of people love this film:



Bakshi also abandoned the combining of live-action with animation, sorta. Rather than cutting back and forth between the two or having animated characters interact with the real world, he rotoscoped Wizards within an inch of its life in the battle scenes. Since it was cheaper and more practical than doing new background or hand-drawn animation, he lifted copious battle footage from movies like Patton, El Cid and Zulu, and, well, take look for yourself. It gets particularly egregious at 1:35:



Yeah. And this was just a dry-run for his next film, The Lord of the Rings, which has lots (and lots and ohmygod lots) of barely-there rotoscoping, not to mention an attempt to squeeze the first book and a half of Tolkien's trilogy into 133 minutes. Which he possibly might have pulled off if not for what feels like six hours of fantastically ugly rotoscoping of orcs. If you've ever wondered why Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings movies had to be so damned long, the thorough incoherence of this movie will explain it all.

Though this film was by no means a hit, Bakshi continued to make feature films, and also produced the brilliant late-eighties revival of Mighty Mouse, which in turn unleashed John Kricfalusi of Ren & Stimpy onto the world. So he gets props for that.

Ralph Bakshi's last motion picture was released in 1992, and nobody's asked him to make one since.

Remember those two words from before?

Cool. World.

Yep. Those are the ones.

...and, to bring it back to 2012 and this week's feature, it's amazing that Peter Jackson is getting to make any movies after the three words The. Lovely. Bones.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly,Maura Sipila, and Tim Kay
are boycotting this film until Tom Bombadil returns.

September 2, 2012 The Lord of the Rings:
The Fellowship of the Ring

Short people with hairy feet start walking somewhere.
Ringbearing wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Maura Sipila, Tim Kay, and other bombadils.




Sunday, August 26, 2012


(immortals)

So, for some reason, in spite of Mickey Rourke's star fading and his face mutating, he eventually made a comeback.

And for all the talk about him being a serious actor and stuff, he's made quite a lot of crap since The Wrestler. (Some of us don't even care for The Wrestler.)

Big budget crap, too. Like Iron Man 2 and The Expendables and this week's film, the name of which escapes me at the moment.

But at least these movies get YouTube reviews. That's something, damnit.

Our frequent correspondent JeremyJahns says the second half of the film is a lot cooler than the first. Of course, that means you'd have to watch the first half.

My girlfriend (not pictured here) looks good in her ironic t-shirts, as always.

I have no opinion about how Parker Jakobowhitz looks in his gray hoodie, though I do believe he's abusing the word "exclusive." Also, he really needs to stop looking at Clash of the Titans.



Thankfully, after this Sunday, we won't have to look at Mickey Rourke anymore.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Jason Wiener
will feel immortal (or at least very, very old) by the time this movie ends.

August 26, 2012 Immortals
Mickey Rourke has done horrible things to his face, and no amount of CGI can hide it.
Over 9000 pixels of pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Jason Wiener, and other puny mortals.


Sunday, August 19, 2012


(harley davidson and the marlboro man)

At long last, cock.

Y'know? The last two movies have had a lot of sex in them, or at least the whatever it is that passes for sex when you pair up Mickey Rourke with Kim Basinger or Lisa Bonet, but very little cock.

Thankfully, that's about to change.

This movie is all about Mickey Rourke in leather and Don Johnson dressed as a cowboy and puts them on gleaming throbbing high-octane motorcycles.

Yay cock!

Let's enjoy the trailers for some other, equally cock-heavy movies. Your Tango & Cash, for example.

Or your more obscure 70s buddy-cock classic Freebie & The Bean.

Cock goes back a long way, of course, all the way back to the interracial cock-fest that is Salt & Pepper.



And while it isn't a buddy-cock film like the others, the reigning cock of the walk will always be Commando.





Cock! Ask for it by name, and we'll be serving up plenty onscreen this Sunday.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Tristan Buckner
will spit. Probably.

August 19, 2012 Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man
Mickey Rourke and Don Johnson do very rude things to the careers.
Carcinogenic wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Tristan Buckner, and other Harleys.


Sunday, August 12, 2012


(angel heart)

Oh, this one.

I saw this movie in a discount theater in Fresno in 1987, the long-defunct Manchester Mall Cinema. If memory serves, it was on a double bill with A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. I had just turned fourteen and not accompanied by a parent or guardian, but again, this was Fresno in 1987. In other words, no big whoop.

I probably shouldn't have watched the movie at the time. Heck, I shouldn't have to watch this movie now.

But never mind me. What do YouTube reviewers have to say about it?

Here, Darkonesblessing lives up to his name by having very low lighting. Spooky! Well, not really.

The better-lit (but poorly synchronized) Slayer fan MerlinRavenSong warns you that the movie, while great, is not an accurate portrayal of vodoun.



I can't find a third review of Angel Heart, unfortunately, so instead let's enjoy KnetanB reviewing Devil Face, Angel Heart, which he describes as "The Elephant Man meets The Killer." Oh hells yeah.



Man, I wish we didn't have to watch Angel Heart this Sunday, and could watch Devil Face, Angel Heart. But no such luck.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Maura Sipila, and Rose Lacy
will be wearing their devil faces by the time this movie's over.

August 12, 2012 Angel Heart
This time Mickey Rourke does very rude things to Lenny Kravitz's girlfriend in New Orleans, and Bill Cosby does not approve.
Big (yet uneasy) pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Maura Sipila, Rose Lacy, and other cyphers.


Sunday, August 5, 2012


(9 1/2 weeks)

Oh, thank goodness we're done with those Quick 'n Cranky movies, and can finally move on to some quality entertainment!

This week's feature, for example, will be familiar to anyone who had cable in the 1980s.

It was billed at the time as the "first erotic martial arts action comedy," and also the last, because this one did it right! It has ninjas (more than nine, less than ten) and sexiness! Oh, heck, I don't need to tell you about this movie. Let's enjoy the German trailer!

For that matter, here's a German gentleman expounding on the film for many minutes (more than twelve, less than thirteen).



What he said! Finally, after the pain that was "Vin Diesel drives cars" month, we're getting back to the good stuff. I, for one, couldn't be happier.

EDITED TO ADD: I have been informed by several parties that this week's film is in fact not 9 1/2 Ninjas, but instead 9 1/2 Weeks, in which Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger have lots of icky 80s sex. Oh. Feh.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Dan Foley
may crack within 9 1/2 minutes.

August 5, 2012 9 1/2 Weeks
Mickey Rourke does very rude things to Kim Basinger, and to the audience.
About five fortnights of wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Dan Foley, and other weeklings.




Sunday, July 29, 2012


(fast five)

So, we've been watching all the Furiously Fast movies, and a recurring question keeps recurring (as they will):

"Wait, what?"

And questions to that effect. We're never quite sure what we're seeing, or what's going on, or what we're supposed to make of it all.

Maybe things will make more sense in the fifth and

Oh, shoot. Huh. Maybe it'll start to make sense in the sixth and seventh movies, which really are happening.

Nah, probably not.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Ira Emsig
doubt the presence of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in this film will help.

July 29, 2012 Fast Five
And more of even more still of the same, this time with The Rock and Vin Diesel, which is also the more of the same.
Chest-bumping wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Ira Emsig, and other rockers.




Sunday, July 22, 2012


(fast & furious)

It's not surprise that this franchise was running out of ideas by now.

I mean, jeez, after replacing words with numerals in the first sequel, then going back to the original name for the second sequel but adding "Tokyo Drift" at the end, thus suggesting that maybe it's actually another movie entirely...

...it's enough to make you think that maybe they should have just given up entirely.

But, nope, they kept at it. What I don't get is why they decided to name the fourth film after a shady, failed government spy operation.

I don't know. It makes sense to them, I guess.

Ooh, is that why Vin Diesel is back? Because he's playing Obama?

I suppose there's only one way to find out.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Maura Sipila
hope you'll be there with them when they find out.

July 22, 2012 Fast & Furious
Even still more of the same, with Vin Diesel's name back on the poster.
Article-free pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Maura Sipila, and other ampersands.




Sunday, July 8, 2012


(2 fast 2 furious)

Wow. That was a toughie. And there's four more of these movies to get through? Yikes.

This first sequel is directed by John Singleton, who's post-Boyz N The Hood career has pretty much come to define "sophomore slump." And considering that Boyz N The Hood starred Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ice Cube, it may be time for a critical reapprisal.

Anyway, since people watch these movies for the sparkling dialog, some guy on YouTube was kind enough to compile all the film's japes, witticisms, and especially the bon mots.

Huh. Then again, maybe people like these movies for all the cars that go vrooooooooom!

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Tristan Buckner, and Ziad Ezzat
will supply the japes, witticisms, and bon mots, thank you very much.

July 8, 2012 2 Fast 2 Furious
More of the same! Except it's numerical now.
Geometric pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Tristan Buckner, Ziad Ezzat, and other notations.


Sunday, July 1, 2012


(the fast and the furious)

A few things you should know before we move forward with this month.

First off: This week's movie exists, as do its sequels, all of which we'll be watching.

Next, this movie has the same title as a movie from 1955. That movie from 1955 is called The Fast and the Furious, just like this week's movie, which is what "having the same title" means. Jeez, try to keep up, will ya?

That 1955 movie (quick, what's the movie called? Write your answer in the comments!) was Roger Corman's third credit as a producer, while 2011's Piranhaconda is his 396th credit, which means based on the experience Corman gained between them, Piranhaconda is 132 times better than the The Fast and the Furious. That's just math.) The film (1955's The Fast and the Furious, not 2011's Piranhaconda) is watchable in its entirety below. So watch it in its entirety, why don't you?

On second thought, don't.

But do come down to The Dark Room this Sunday and riff on 2001's The Fast and the Furious with us, won't you?

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Alexia Staniotes
will be quick and cranky.

July 1, 2012 The Fast and the Furious
Vin Diesel drives cars really fast, and has anger management issues, evidently.
Ragey wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Alexia Staniotes, and other racers.




Sunday, June 24, 2012


(battle: los angeles)

So last week's high concept was "cowboys and aliens," hence the title of the film, Cowboy & Aliens. (I'll give you a few minutes to figure that one out.)

And in spite of its title, Skyline's high concept was "douchenozzles and aliens."

This week, it would be "army guys and aliens." Which should be exciting, but, well....

What do our internet friends think?

The very British TomSPerkins lists off the reasons why he hated this movie. The movie being "crap" kinda sums it up.

The IGNentertainment guy says that this time, Michelle Rodriguez is playing more of a brainy babe than a kick-ass cutie. (Huh?)

RichardRoeper, who's just about as much of a tool as he's ever been, not only makes a Reese's Pieces joke (kids, ask your grandparents to Google E.T. for you), but delivers his review standing in front of a bookshelf that's mostly filled with vases.

And, as always, the main reason I even bother with these video reviews is because it gives me an excuse to look at my girlfriend from BeyondTheTrailer. (No, not Aaron Eckhart.)

So, yeah. Army guys and aliens. Whee.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Rose Lacy
will be performing Riffers and Aliens.

June 24, 2012 Battle: Los Angeles
Not to be confused with Battle of Los Angeles. Actually, on second thought, go ahead and confuse them. I don't even care anymore.
Sprawling pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Rose Lacy, and other angelenos.




Sunday, June 17, 2012


(cowboys & aliens)

There is a thing in Hollywood called "high concept."

Basically, it means being a simple idea yet evocative idea, easy to grasp and without metaphor. Like, for example, Snakes on a Plane. There are snakes! And they're on a plane!

That's high concept. This week's feature is, too. The appeal of high concept to movie studios is that it's can't-miss. Who wouldn't want to see snakes on a plane?

For that matter who, wouldn't want to see cowboys and aliens?

Considering that both movies were flops, it's safe to say nobody wanted to see those things.

Except for internet reviewers, of course.

JeremyJahns liked it well enough, but was disappointed that it wasnt more like The Expendables. Way to manage expectations!

The Red Letter Media guys would recommend it to people with an attention span, though Mike can't say it's a fun movie.

ChrisStuckmann frickin' loves this movie.

And I frickin' love how hot my girlfriend looks in a black baby tee.

All we really know is that it isn't Skyline, and that's good enough for us.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Maura Sipila, and Alexia Staniotes
think they're going to see Snakes on a Plane. (Shhh, don't tell them!)



June 17, 2012 Cowboys & Aliens
There are cowboys. There are aliens. Woohoo.
Cowpokin' wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Maura Sipila, Alexia Staniotes, and other roughriders.


Sunday, June 10, 2012, 6pm



rhiannon and sherilyn's
alien double feature
birthday sleepover! still $6.99!

One of my earliest movie-watching memories was Alien on VHS. I would have been eight, nine years old, tops.

As I recall, I spent much of the movie hiding behind my mother's chair, repulsed and terrified by what was happening on-screen. It was crappy, 1980-tech 2-head monaural video, and our television wasn't even all that special, but damn, that movie hit me where I lived.

It's time to hit back. And Aliens, too. (My traumatic memory associated with that movie? Giving my original one-sheet poster of it, which I scored at an advanced screning of it, to an acquaintance when I was in college. Dumbest thing I ever did in school.)

My name is Sherilyn, and I'm a dork.

And speaking of dorks, in honor of the birthdays of The Dark Room's favorite Geminis, Rhiannon (June 12) and myself (June 16), we're riffing on those first two Aliens movies, the ones that weren't lousy. In a row. Back to back.

And we'll be doing the director's cuts of both films, because why not? It'll be more Sigourney Weaver than you can shake a stick at. And why would you shake a stick at her, anyway? Damn, you suck.

But that's okay, because you're still our BFF, and we totally want you to come to our birthday party, okay? It's going to be a total blast, we swear. Our parents are out of town and it's just going to be a whole lot of fun and you don't have to stay for the whole time if you want to and just please show up, okay?

We know it's a schoolnight for a lot of you, so we're starting early: 6pm. That's when we're going to watch the original 1979 Alien, with Mikl-Em co-hosting. At 8pm-ish we'll watch Aliens with Mike Spiegelman, and after that we'll all go home and go to bed.

Oh, and presents? Don't worry about it. Your presence is your present.

If you really wanna get us stuff, here's Rhiannon's Amazon wish list, and this is mine, though blank DVD-Rs always make me happy.

Though nothing would make me and Rhiannon happier than you joining us this Sunday, 'kay? 'kay.

Be sure to get there at 6pm for maximum Weaver.



June 10, 2012, 6pm Special Event (in a box!):

Rhiannon and Sherilyn's
Alien and Aliens
Double Feature Birthday Sleepover!

To celebrate Rhiannon and Sherilyn's birthday(s), we're going to riff on the first two Alien movies, the ones that (mostly) didn't suck.
The sorta-kinda-sequel Prometheus will have been released a few days before, so be sure it to see it first, or these movies will make no sense at all.

Bring your jammies and blankets and get cozy.
Necking with the birthday girls encouraged.
Xenomorphic wackiness will ensue. SHOW BEGINS AT 6PM, BITCHES.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Rhiannon Charisse and...

6pm: Alien - Mikl-Em
8pm: Aliens - Mike Spiegelman



Sunday, June 3, 2012


(skyline)

There is probably no greater example of the "just because you can doesn't mean you should" philosophy than the usage of CGI in movies. And moreso when it's by filmmakers with something to prove.

In this case, the filmmakers -- who were trying to prove that they were capable of making a good movie after they bungled the dumbly titled AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem. At least Skyline is a simple enough, evocative title. They did not prove what they set out to prove, however.

What does the internet have to say? Glad you asked!

JeremyJahns did not care for it.

This probably-British guy gets exicted about how bad it is.

This definitely-British guy made a four-minute semi-animated summary which is, unsurprisingly, more entertaining the the film itself.

And my girlfriend looks good in a yellow t-shirt.

That's what you need to know.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, and Ira Emsig
request that you refer to the show as BMN: Bad Movie Night - Requiem.




June 3, 2012 Skyline
Aliens attack Los Angeles. But the people they attack are kinda douchey, so it evens out.
Horizontal wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, Ira Emsig, and other skywatchers.




Sunday, May 27, 2012


(ghosts of mars)

Released in 2001, this is the last film John Carpenter would direct for many, many years.

And there's a good reason for that.

Let's put it this way: this film is not quite as exciting as this video game.

Nor is it as scary as this game.

Or even as scary as this game, which at least has a good John Carpenter score.

When you can't make a movie that's scarier than an Atari 2600 game based on one of your older movies, it's definitely time to retire.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Tristan Buckner
will send this movie back to Mars. Or wherever.



May 27, 2012 Ghosts of Mars
After this movie, John Carpenter took nearly a decade off from filmmaking. See if you can figure out why.
Ghostly pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Tristan Buckner and other venusians.


Sunday, May 20, 2012


(vampires)

Patton Oswalt has this great bit on his 2009 album My Weakness is Strong about how you only have to go back in time ten years now to wow people with how much things have changed—what with iPods, Barack Obama, et cetera.

If I were to go back to 1999, I'd blow minds by telling people that vampires are cool again.

It blows my mind even now. Here's the thing: I became involved in the goth scene in 1999, and holy fucking shit, did those kids dislike vampires. With a passion. Vampires didn't have much cachet in the overall culture anyway, but that was especially true amongst the goths, who hated being associated with them.

I was never really sure why, except that even before Columbine, the scene was going through a major identity crisis wherein the people who dressed all in black and went to goth clubs and went to goth music shows and participated on goth music lists hated being called "goth." Many would angrily describe themselves as "rivetheads," or even more clumsily, "Not-A-Goth." Seriously.

But they were mostly easygoing until you mentioned the word "vampire," and then the spooky shit hit the goddamned fan. Goth, they would insist, has nothing whatsoever to do with vampires. Shut up, no it does not! And if you happened to, say, have in your possession a videotape of them on an A&E documentary about vampires from the year before, one in which they appeared with big fake fangs—well, um, okay, they were younger then, and it didn't count.

So, anyway, yeah. This current vampire resurgence is still a little weird to me.

This week's feature is from those pre-millennial days, and it also spawned this Jon Bon Jovi-starring sequel:

But that's not the we're going to watch. We're stuck with James Woods, not Jon Bon Jovi. And no sparkling vampires.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Alexia Staniotes
will not sparkle, either.



May 20, 2012 Vampires
Finally, John Carpenter's long-awaited werewolf epic!
Lycanthropic wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Alexia Staniotes, and other wolves.


Sunday, May 13, 2012


(escape from l.a.)

So, yeah. John Carpenter's second remake of a classic horror film didn't go quite as well as it had the first time around.

Meanwhile, Kurt Russell—who was in Carpenter's previously mentioned masterpieces Escape From New York, The Thing, and especially Big Trouble in Little China—wasn't doing so well career-wise, either.

They decided to regroup, which was cooler. They decided to revive one of their previous successes, which was even cooler.

Unfortunately, they didn't go with Big Trouble's Jack Burton. They went with Escape's Snake Plissken.

Snake Plissken's a fine character, but...look, the problem is that Carpenter tried to recreate Escape From New York, and not only did he not have the budget to properly do so (and the first film was already a low-budget affair), he did so using CGI. We're talking about 1996 CGI here. Worse, he tried to lighten the tone of the film, thus ejecting much of what made the original work. (See also Tobe Hooper's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2.)

As a result, we live in a world where this exists.



Oh well. After this, John Carpenter did a movie about vampires, years before they started to sparkle.

That's gotta be good, right?

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Ziad Ezzat
may try to escape from The Dark Room before the movie's over.



May 13, 2012 Escape From L.A.
More like escape from a sequel than never shoulda been made, amirite?
Snakey pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Ziad Ezzat, and other Russells.


Sunday, May 6, 2012


(village of the damned)

So who is John Carpenter, and what would I do if I were him?

Let's answer the first question first, and the second question maybe not at all.

John Carpenter was one of the most promising directors to emerge in the late seventies, with Dark Star, Assault on Precinct 13, Halloween, and (my favorite of the bunch) The Fog.

He did pretty well in the eighties, too, with classics including Escape from New York, The Thing, Big Trouble in Little China, and many more. Great films, but none of them were really big hits, exactly.

Let's enjoy the trailer for what I consider to be one of his most underrated films from that period, Prince of Darkness:



Here's the thing (no pun intended): Hollywood only lets you get away with not making money for so long. And in the nineties, his work started to seriously go off the rails. This week's feature is prime example of that.

It's not the first time Carpenter remade a classic horror film, and when he remade The Thing he created a classic in its own right. This movie, not so much.

And when it tanked, he decided to go the sequel route. But we'll get to that next week, unfortunately.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Ira Emsig
will be the Front Row of the Damned.



May 6, 2012 Village of the Damned (1995)
Mysterious, blonde children turn out to be mind-controlling space aliens. So it's like They Live without bubblegum or ass-kicking.
Gosh-darned wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Ira Emsig, and other villagers.




Sunday, April 29, 2012


(the last dragon)

While this month's final movie is the only one not directed by Robert Clouse, who also directed Enter the Dragon, it still exists in Bruce Lee's shadow the way the previous four did.

But in a good way, as opposed to Game of Death's "Let's bleed Bruce Lee's corpse dry, and even show it on screen!" way.

No, this film very much respects Bruce Lee, and it also has the Bad Movie Night seal of approval, in that it's just plain awesome. We love this movie very much, and we are going to have a lot of fun riffing on it.

Saying anything else would veer into spoiler territory (heaven forfend!), so instead, let's enjoy De Barge's hit song from the film. The video has nothing to do with the movie, yet nails the tone perfectly.



So much fun. And if you're not saying "Sho'nuff!" for the next week, you have no soul, sir or madam.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, and John Hell
are already sho'nuffing, sho'nuff!



April 29, 2012 The Last Dragon
Not to be confused with The Last Airbender. For the love of god, do not confuse it with that.
Will wackiness ensues? Sho'nuff!

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, John Hell, and other shoguns.




Sunday, April 22, 2012


(gymkata)

First off: yay, this is our last Robert Clouse movie. We've done four of his movies in a row, and that's just not okay. Sure, yes, we're doing four John Carpenter movies in a row next month, but that's different, see? It just is.

Anyway, this movie, which fails to turn gymnast Kurt Thomas into an action hero, is also not okay. It's very, very not okay.

But what is okay is that there are some video reviews of it up on the YouTubes! Finally! It's been too long. They're not very well done, but godsdamnit, they exist and I can embed them, and that's what matters.

The first is by HaggardMikesReviews, who seems to specialize in ealy 80s martial arts movies. Good on him for that.



And then there's HoodScienceTheater. Yeah. They have their thing, they're doing their thing, and I'll let them speak for themselves.

Sure, why not?

And, bonus! Future conservative douchenozzle Michael Medved on this film as well as Rappin' in 1985, during which he also refers to rapping as a "bizarre new fad." At the end of the clip, he attempts to rap. He should not have done that.



So, that happened. And so did this movie, unfortunately.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Tristan Buckner, and Ira Emsig
will stick the landing.



April 22, 2012 Gymkata
Gymkata! Gymkata! (It's just a fun word.)
Whitewashed pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Tristan Buckner, Ira Emsig, and other clousers.


Sunday, April 15, 2012


(game of death)

So, a lot of people got all whiny when we did Enter the Dragon a couple weeks ago. "Waaah Bruce Lee is awesome that's a good movie WTF!" and so forth. Even some people in our ranks couldn't quite bring themselves to dispect the master, or whatever.

The thing of it is, there's nothing we could do to Bruce Lee's legacy that comes close to tarnishing it the way this movie does.

It uses existing Bruce Lee fight footage that he was working on before his death (including the iconic yellow-and-black suit), reaction shots from other movies, a bunch of nonsensical plot filler, and most horribly, doubles of Bruce. At one point, they even used a cardboard cut-out of his face, because who would ever notice?

You might notice, at 1:05 in this clip.



Um, yeah. We're the ones sullying Bruce's memory. That's us!

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, and Tim Kay
may also use cardboard cut-outs.



April 15, 2012 Game of Death
So not only did Tarantino...er...indulge himself Bruce Lee's corpse, he got sloppy seconds after this movie. Also, eww!
Posthumous wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, Tim Kay, and other kareems.




Sunday, April 8, 2012


(black belt jones)

Oh, thank goodness. We're back to mob-clobbering.

There's been a distinct lack of mobsters in the last few movies, and I was getting a bit anxious. But since this week's feature is a confluence of kung fu and blaxploitation, the mob had to be involved.

Jim Kelly was never anything close to the big star that Bruce Lee was, or even Chuck Norris, but he no less charismatic than either of them. Granted, being more charismatic than Chuck Norris (who will appear in next week's feature, be warned) is not all that difficult, but I still want to give Kelly credit where it's due. Lord know he's gotten the shaft-in-a-bad-way over the years.

Most slightly-younger people probably remember him best as Kung Fu Joe in I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.



Except that's not Jim Kelly. That's Steve James from the American Ninja series, where he didn't even play the titular ninja (but rather played a Rambo-type, as was the fashion in the mid-90s.) This means that Jim Kelly got passed over by Keenan Ivory Wayans! That's so not okay.

So, yeah, Jim Kelly doesn't get the respect he deserves.

And we'e probably not going to give it to him, either. At least, not tonight.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Maura Sipila
are yellow belts in riffing.



April 8, 2012 Black Belt Jones
Fact: Jones wears the black belt for the slimming effect, which is why he also avoids horizontal lines. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement
Afrotastic pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Maura Sipila, and other joneses.


Sunday, April 1, 2012


(enter the dragon)

And so, with Steven Seagal's massive ego out of the way, a month of mostly-but-not-entirely authentic martial arts mayhem begins.

Bruce Lee is a legendary and iconic badass, no question about that. A real badass, no less, unlike the aforemented Mr. Seagal. His tragic death happened entirely too soon, and he left an amazing legacy.

Fun fact: that is not the same as his movies being good. Most of them aren't. We've already had people complaining that it isn't a bad movie, based purely on the fact that it's Bruce Lee's best movie. In fact, this week's feature may be the closest thing he made to a good movie, and Bruce himself is awesome in it, but that doesn't keep the movie from being bad.

The sad truth is, Bruce Lee was often the best part of crappy movies and television, some of which was downright surreal -- like, when he played himself on The Milton Berle Show in 1966.



Yeah, exactly.

There's nothing we can do to this movie that can tarnish Bruce Lee's legend. That job was already done by Milton Berle, and even moreso by Game of Death. But we'll get to that one in a couple weeks.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Rose Lacy
are not dragon-enterers, but they don't judge those who are.



April 1, 2012 Enter the Dragon
It means that a dragon is entering a room, right? Not that something is entering a dragon? I'm not sure I could handle that.
Scaley wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Rose Lacy, and other Jeet Kune Doers.


Sunday, March 25, 2012


(red dawn)

Hot damn! It's our anniversary, you guys.

On March 27, 2005, Jim Fourniadis and Ty McKenzie unleashed Bad Movie Night on an unsuspecting world.

Damn. Seven years of bad movies on Sunday nights. That's, like, three hundred and sixtyish weeks of copyright violation love.

No one thought it would last. Some of you were hoping it wouldn't. You know who you are.

One former Dark Room regular actively boycotts Bad Movie Night, claiming it "just makes us all that much more stupid." To that, we say...um...er...your mom!

Someone else allegedly said that we should be burned down for making fun of It's a Wonderful Life, as we do every December.

But the scorn fueled us, like tiger blood fuels Charlie Sheen. (Topical!) (At least, it would have been in 2011!)

In honor of the haters—hello, haters!—we're once again showing the flick that started things off in those sepia-toned days of the mid-Aughts: the 1984 paramilitary fantasy Red Dawn, in which multicultural Commies take over the USA. Or at least a budget-friendly midwestern town.

Come on down and take over The Dark Room as we celebrate seven years of Bad Movie Night making the world stupid for everyone. Especially your mom.

Your hosts will be Jim Fourniadis, Andy Wenger, Damien Chacona,
and ZOMG Teh Wolverines!!!11!!1





Bad Movie Night's Seventh Anniversary!
March 25, 2012 Red Dawn
Patrick Swayze plays a high-school football player leading a bunch of kids in a battle against multicultural commies.
Painful, probably socialist math: this will be the eighth time we've done this movie.
Socialized pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Andy Wenger, Damien Chacona, and other Wolverines!!!11!!1





Sunday, March 18, 2012


(on deadly ground)

And here's the part where we get off the Seagal train, because pretty much everyone else did.

He finally got to direct his own movie, and it's pretty much as clear as look at the Seagal brain as you're going to get.

Nothing can properly prepare you for how batshit crazy and staggeringly self-important this film is (and, by extension, how batshit crazy and staggeringly self-important Seagal is), especiallt the closing "Save the Earth!" monologue, so let's just enjoy the hand-slap game.



And that's one of the saner parts of the film. Yep.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Jim Fourniadis
will probably spend the whole movie slap-fighting each other.



March 18, 2012 On Deadly Ground
Steven Seagal saves the permafrost by talking people to death. And occasionally sticking knives through their heads, which is pretty much the same thing.
Oily wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Jim Fourniadis, and other noble savages.




Sunday, March 11, 2012


(under siege)

The original Die Hard changed everything.

If you didn't see it in the theater during its original release, you can't really know the impact it had. It also means you aren't incredibly old like me.

There was a slew (plethora? myriad?) of copycat films over the following decade, like Speed or this week's feature, some which wore their "It's Die Hard in a _________!" on their sleeve and some which tried to be a bit more coy.

Those two in particular were major studio films, as of course were Die Hard's own inevitable sequels, but the format was also attractive to low-budget producers, since it could be shot more or less in one location. As a result, video stores were flooded with this stuff in the early 90s. Again, if you weren't in that culture at the time, you can't really know. It also means, once again, you aren't incredibly old like me.

Anyway, the abolute peak of the genre came in 1996 via the action movie factory PM Entertainment (whose impact you can't really know unless...oh, never mind) and their full-circle "Die Hard in a really tall building" movie Skyscraper, starring Anna Nicole Smith:



Yep. Now, Anna Nicole Smith was a tragic figure who was ultimately very sad and exploited by the media and yadda yadda yadda. May she find the peace in death she was never able to find in life.

There, now that that's done and we won't go to Hell for speaking ill of the dead...please enjoy these outtakes of Ms. Smith from Skyscraper:



Ya wanna know what "acting" is? Watch the poor schmucks who have to share scenes with her. Acting is that they are doing. What Anna is doing? Not acting.

Nor is Steven Seagal in this week's movie, come to think of it. But for some reason, he got away with it, at least for a little while.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Jason Wiener
would be happy to just let this movie go.



March 11, 2012 Under Siege
Steven Seagal is under siege, I guess, by Tommy Lee Jones in a biker jacket.
Pock-marked pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Jason Wiener, and other Joneses.




Sunday, March 4, 2012


(hard to kill)

As a proud member of Generation X -- look, I have to have to find some good in being born in 1973, aka The Most Hideous Year Ever -- I have great affection for the pop culture of the eighties and nineties.

That's when it was the best, y'know? There's a Tom the Dancing Bug cartoon on the subject of how pop culture was at its height when you (yes, you!) were twelve years old. Can't find it now, but believe you (yes, you!) me, it's hilarious.

The tricky part is, it also means that we're somehow accountable for Steven Seagal's career.

I mean, I never saw any of his movies in the theater or paid a nickel for them in any way, but I watched them, so that makes me responsible. I guess.

As punishment, I'm going to make all of us (including, yes, you!) watch this commercial for Steven Seagal's energy drink. While I'm sure the beverage itself is utter swill, this commercial may either be the best thing ever, or the worst thing ever, or possibly both.

For further punishment, come to Bad Movie Night and riff on his movies with us.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Rose Lacy
will load up on Tibetan Goji Berries, but not Asian Cordyceps.



March 4, 2012 Hard to Kill
Steven Seagal is evidently hard to kill, which is not to be confused with dying hard, plzkthxbai.
Ponytailed wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Rose Lacy, and other seagulls.




Sunday, February 26, 2012


(x-men: first class)

Oh, thank goodness February is almost over.

Much like the superheroes themselves, watching these dumb stupid superhero movies has achieved what I had previously thought impossible: I'm actually looking forward to watching Steven Seagal movies in March.

But we're not there just yet. We still have yet another fucking X-Men movie to get through.

And, thankfully, we have our favorite YouTube movie-reviewer people (people who review movies on YouTube, but the movies they're reviewing are not actual YouTube movies, they just use YouTube as a medium for reviewing—oh, never mind) to take us the end.

We can't not have the nattily HD Jason Biggs impersonator JeremyJahns starts us off. We just can't not.

My imaginary YouTube girlfriend indymogul is back, and with a better t-shirt this time.

Speaking of women whom I respect for both their brains and their manes, PressHeartToContinue is back.

And, yes, ChrisStuckmann. Cultivate the stubble, broheim.

Finally, broadcasting live from the beautiful The Construct located in downtown The Matrix, it's thefrickenfilmcritic (and his tonsils)!



Oh, I'm gonna miss those crazy kids next month. But I'm not going to miss these movies.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Alexia Staniotes
will have Xs on their eyes when this movie's over.



February 26, 2012 X-Men: First Class
Nothing says "superhero action!" than a bunch of people standing around in comfortable, seasonally appropriate clothing. Whee.
Freshman pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Alexia Staniotes, and other dropouts.




Sunday, February 19, 2012


(green lantern)

So here we are. We've finished with the big "Wait through the credits to see half of Samuel L. Jackson in an eyepatch!" movies from last summer, and are moving from the Marvel Universe to DC, where things are just a smidgen more dire lately.

Or, at the very least, not as well-reviewed.

Let's see what the YouTube kids have to say! As has become our February 2012 tradition, high-def Jason Biggs wannabe JeremyJahns starts us off.

PressHeartToContinue sat this one out, so here's Bad Movie Night preshow stalwart indymogul and her latest not-ironic-at-all t-shirt.

Then there's the whattheflickshow kids, with their preponderance of unusued teevees.

And let's not forget ChrisStuckmann, though I can't help but be distrcted by the fact that while these reviews were posted within about a month of each other, he appears to have aged about give years between them.

I feel like if I make fun of the Perspective6 folks, I'll be committing a hate crime somehow. So I won't, and instead I will praise them for keeping it under four minutes. Yay brevity!



But there will be no brevity for us—we're going to riff all one hundred and twenty minutes (give or take the closing credits) of this green stinkburger.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Dan Foley
will get all yellow on this movie's ass. (And, ew!)



February 19, 2012 Green Lantern
This is a prequel to The Great Gatsby or something, right? With the green light and all? Like I said, I don't know much about superheroes.
Wackiness which means you can safely cross the street ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Dan Foley, and other Colemans.


Sunday, February 12, 2012


(captain america: the first avenger)

Okay, quick question: which came first, Norse gods or World War II?

If you answered Norse gods, you have some grasp of time. If you answered World War II, well, you're into comic book movies.

Thor's technically been around longer than Captain America, is all I'm sayin'.

Anyway, let's enjoy some more video reviews, won't we? We'll start once again with the high-def JeremyJahns, who continues to do a fantastic if dizzyingly-edited Jason Biggs impersonation.

Not quite as ADD-esquely edited is PressHeartToContinue, who just makes me feel old due to the fact that I don't recognize anything on her walls. A lot of it is video game stuff, I guess?

I do recognize most of the posters on ChrisStuckmann's wall, but that doesn't help much.

The whattheflickshow folks are professionals, and they have teevees behind them showing their logo to prove it.

Fun fact: a couple of the whattheflickshow people worked with Roger Ebert. So did the ReelzChannel guy, but the less said about that, the better. (Though can speak from personal experience that if you call him a tool on Twitter, he will respond. So don't do that.



But do come riff the movie with us, won't you?

Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Tim Kay
will slam the lid back on this movie's can.





February 12, 2012 Captain America: The First Avenger
The title of a movie seems like a weird place for a firstie, but I've never really understood superheroes.
Dimple-chinned pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Tim Kay, and other discharged expatriates.


Sunday, February 5, 2012


(thor)

Comic book movies are here to stay, and we're just going to have to deal with it.

Thankfully, however, we have the people on YouTube tell us how they're dealing with it, though as usual, how they're telling us how they're dealing with it is actually more entertaining than how they're actually dealing with it. Or something like that.

For example, there's your smartly dressed 720p JeremyJahns, who has two tricks that he knows well: turning his greenscreen background into red, and cutting between every sentence. His greatest trick of all is being totally being Jason Biggs while not being Jason Biggs at all.

The spillcom guys just go straight for animation, give or take anything being animated. Also, they use the phrase "gay house," because that's a thing to say that's funny if you desperately want the world to think you're straight.

Using no effects trickery at all, there's MovieBlogTV. But how does he record his sound, anyway? Nobody knows! It's a mystery!

I'm even less certain how yeastmyinfecti0n (yikes!) records her sound, but I'm guessing it's inside a British wind tunnel.



The sound of the equally-British mollylovesmovies is less hissy but also sounds more like she's talking on a phone, but that's okay, because she it's 2011 and she still has a TV/VCR combo in her bedroom. That is seriously OG.



Finally, there's the disconcertingly straightforward mattsmoviereviews, who I think is Australian. Whatever his country of origin, homeboy needs to invest in some frames for those posters.



So what have we learned?

It's a bad, bad movie. That's all you need to know.

Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Ziad Ezzat
will Branagh all over this movie.





February 5, 2012 Thor
SPOILER: The hammer is his penis.
Wackiness (which u can't touch, so don't even try, seriously) ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Ziad Ezzat, and other sledges.


SF Sketchfest in the Mission


Sunday, January 29, 2012


SF Sketchfest Presents:
(voyage to the planet of prehistoric women)

(This was originally written for sfweekly.com. Also, admission is $15, 'cuz it's Sketchfest.)

When I was choosing a feature for the upcoming SF Sketchfest 2012 Bad Movie Night (Sunday, January 29, get your tickets now!), I knew we were going to need a doozy of a stinker, a public domain oddity whose quality was obvious from the title.

And I found it: 1968's Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women. Sounds horrible, huh? It's not to be confused with 1966's Women of the Prehistoric Planet, but it is to be confused with 1965's Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet, as well as a 1962 Soviet sci-fi film called Planet of Storms.

Confused? I'll explain.

Planet of Storms is an odd mix of pulpy sci-fi and dour Russian cinema. It opens with glum cosmonauts in a Tarkovsky-esque brood-mode.



While there's plenty of brooding left to go, rubber-monster wackiness ensues when they land on Venus, including a mean red mother in outer space.



So Roger Corman bought Storms, had Curtis Harrington dub it into English, re-edit it, and shoot some new footage on the cheap, and Corman released it as Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet. Much of the brooding was removed (as well as a female cosmonaut), and dialogue that wasn't very smart in the first place was dumbed further down.



Never one not to use every part of the cow several times, Corman then hired Peter Bogdanovich to re-edit Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet -- not Storms, mind you, but the already-Americanized version -- into a third movie.

Bogdanovich removed Harrington's new footage, covered much of the redubbed dialogue with narration, and excerpted the intro and other effects from Battle Beyond the Sun, itself a re-edit by Francisco Ford Coppola of another Russian sci-fi film, The Sky is Calling.



Most importantly, Bogdanovich shot scenes of Mamie Van Doren on the shores of Big Sur Venus as the leader of a group of clamshell-bikini-wearing, pterodactyl-worshipping women who are totally prehistoric -- Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women, QED -- and totally worth the $15 admission. Get your tickets now!

By the way, the aforementioned Women of the Prehistoric Planet bears no relation to these other movies beyond the samey-sounding name. Forget I aforementioned it.

And we'll see you on January 29.

Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Mike Spiegelman
will be doing their own Tarkovsky-esque brooding after riffing through this movie.





January 29, 2012 BMN: SF Sketchfest Edition!
We'll be riffing on Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women. Get your tickets now! Hurry!


Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and other Van Dorens.




Sunday, January 22, 2012


(pirates of the caribbean: on stranger tides)

Ugh. I cannot possibly emphasize this enough, but I'm going to try by using both italics and bolding:

Johnny Depp wearing eyeliner is no longer enough of a reason for these movies to exist.

Also, fuck shit fuck shit fuck Hollywood so much.

Sorry. This is just the kind of movie/franchise that angries up my blood, even moreso than the Transformers series, which at least has...um...well, okay, it doesn't have anything going for it, but its still not as patently offensive as the fact that $250M was spent to make a fourth goddamned one of these.

Granted, it only grossed $241M domestically, which would almost be reason enough for the series to end...except that it grossed over $1B worldwide.

Fucking shit, world. Stop doing that. You're supposed to be the smart ones compared to America, remember?

To calm myself down, let's all enjoy this fellow's review of the movie, which contain more lip-smacking than any other video on the 'tubes:





Was anyone else distracted by the fact that he doesn't have any refrigerator magnets, or is it just me? I mean, seriously, where does he keep his pizza delivery coupons? WHERE?

In conclusion: fuck this movie.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Jason Wiener, and Maura Sipila
will require over $1B of therapy by the time it's over.





January 22, 2012 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
"Johnny Depp wearing eyeliner is no longer enough of a reason for these movies to exist." There, I said it.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-rated wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Jason Wiener, Maura Sipila, and other law-abiding citizens.


Sunday, January 15, 2012


(harry potter and the deathly hallows: part 2)

Right off the bat, I liked the books. The first couple were unchallenging but entertaining, and then shit started getting dark with the third book.

Same with the movies, though the fourth film left me cold, and I felt they all lacked the tone of magical realism of the books, opting instead for a more outright-fantasy vibe The fifth I went to see on a Sunday morning at the tail end of its run in IMAX 3-D, and I have to admit, the battle in the Ministry of Magic at the end was pretty great, even if much like in the book, the "magic wands as laser guns" concept felt like a cheat, and whooboy, don't even get me started on my problems with how the series overdid the effects on the lumos spell—

Okay, I'm going to stop myself right there, and instead, let's enjoy Daniel Radcliffe covering Tom Lehrer.





Ah, that's better.

By the way, this is the first Harry Potter movie we ever done. Will we eventually get to the rest of the movies?

Oh, we just might.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Ira Emsig
still haven't figured out how this can be the eighth part of a seven-part series.





January 15, 2012 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
The eighth part of a seven-part series. Math is hard!
Rowling-ing pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Ira Emsig, and other wingless angels.


Sunday, January 8, 2012


(transformers: dark of the moon)

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Fuck Hollywood.

No, seriously. We here at Bad Movie Night love movies (we wouldn't do this every week otherwise), but it never doesn't bear repeating: Fuck Hollywood.

Here's the deal.

Transformers 4 is going to start production by end of the year, and will be shat upon us sometime in 2014.

Think about that for a moment.

Originally, The Transformers was a cartoon teevee show which existed solely to sell toys. Refer to our writeup on Masters of the Universe for more on this particular phenomemon, plzkthx.

In 1986, The Transformers: The Movie came out while the series was on the air. It wasn't great, but it was better than one might expect for an animated movie based on an animated teevee series which existed solely to sell toys.

It got a PG rating, the hero died, and Orson Welles did a voice. Oh, remember that "You Got the Power" song from Boogie Nights? That's from The Transformers: The Movie.

We kid you not:





Twenty years later, the director of Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II makes a live-action version, simply calling it Transformers, in keeping with our post-literate times.

It was a big hit. (Which is not so much the fault of Hollywood so much as it is everyone who paid ten bucks to see it, but pick pick.) So he makes a sequel which was also a big hit, grossing $400M. If not for James Cameron's 3-D smurf movie, it would be the highest grossing movie of 2010. Also a big hit in 2010 was Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. USA! USA! USA!

So he makes a third, one, this week's feature, which grossed a mere $352M locally (USA! USA! USA!), but $1.1B worldwide. Damn you, rest of the world. (On the plus side, 2011's Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked flopped.)

Anyway, Michael Bay is now making the fourth live-action movie based on a twenty year-old animated teevee series which had already spawned one animated movie.

A fourth movie.

Fuck Hollywood. Fuck Hollywood so hard.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Tristan Buckner
will take some solace in the fact that Megan Fox is gone.



January 8, 2012 Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Shia LaBeouf shouting "No no no!", robot fart jokes, fear of female sexuality, Michael Bay Michael Bay Michael Bay.
Wackiness ensues, but batteries are not included.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Tristan Buckner, and other autosnarkbots.




Sunday, January 1, 2012


(snakes on a plane)

You heard about it back in the mid-aughts. You laughed about it.

You probably even blogged about it on your Geocities account or whatever, you motherfuckin' nerd.

But you didn't actually pay ten bucks to see it, did you?

Didn't think so. You probably barely even remember that it existed, or that movies once cost ten bucks and were shown in 2-D.

But that's okay. We here at Bad Movie Night exist to make sure you get a chance to see internet-famous financial flops which you'll probably never get around to putting in your Netflix Qwikster Netflix queue.

You probably shouldn't watch it on teevee, though. It won't be quite what you expect:



Anyway, it's our tradition here. It's how we started 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011, after all.

And those years turned out great, huh?

2012 will be better. We promise.* (Oh, and stick around after the show if you want to watch Mr. Plinkett's review of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with us.)

*promise not valid

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, John Hell, and Alexia Staniotes
have not yet had enough of this motherfucking movie.





Annual Kickoff Movie!
January 1, 2012 Snakes on a Plane
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by motherfucking snakes.
Slithery wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, John Hell, Alexia Staniotes and other bad motherfuckers.