This probably-British guy gets exicted about how bad it is.

This definitely-British guy made a four-minute semi-animated summary which is, unsurprisingly, more entertaining the the film itself.

And my girlfriend looks good in a yellow t-shirt.

That's what you need to know.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, and Ira Emsig
request that you refer to the show as BMN: Bad Movie Night - Requiem.

June 3, 2012 Skyline Aliens attack Los Angeles. But the people they attack are kinda douchey, so it evens out. Horizontal wackiness ensues. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, Ira Emsig, and other skywatchers.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

(ghosts of mars)

Released in 2001, this is the last film John Carpenter would direct for many, many years.

And there's a good reason for that.

Let's put it this way: this film is not quite as exciting as this video game.

Nor is it as scary as this game.

Or even as scary as this game, which at least has a good John Carpenter score.

When you can't make a movie that's scarier than an Atari 2600 game based on one of your older movies, it's definitely time to retire.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Tristan Buckner
will send this movie back to Mars. Or wherever.

May 27, 2012 Ghosts of Mars After this movie, John Carpenter took nearly a decade off from filmmaking. See if you can figure out why. Ghostly pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Tristan Buckner and other venusians.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

(vampires)

Patton Oswalt has this great bit on his 2009 album My Weakness is Strong about how you only have to go back in time ten years now to wow people with how much things have changed—what with iPods, Barack Obama, et cetera.

If I were to go back to 1999, I'd blow minds by telling people that vampires are cool again.

It blows my mind even now. Here's the thing: I became involved in the goth scene in 1999, and holy fucking shit, did those kids dislike vampires. With a passion. Vampires didn't have much cachet in the overall culture anyway, but that was especially true amongst the goths, who hated being associated with them.

I was never really sure why, except that even before Columbine, the scene was going through a major identity crisis wherein the people who dressed all in black and went to goth clubs and went to goth music shows and participated on goth music lists hated being called "goth." Many would angrily describe themselves as "rivetheads," or even more clumsily, "Not-A-Goth." Seriously.

But they were mostly easygoing until you mentioned the word "vampire," and then the spooky shit hit the goddamned fan. Goth, they would insist, has nothing whatsoever to do with vampires. Shut up, no it does not! And if you happened to, say, have in your possession a videotape of them on an A&E documentary about vampires from the year before, one in which they appeared with big fake fangs—well, um, okay, they were younger then, and it didn't count.

So, anyway, yeah. This current vampire resurgence is still a little weird to me.

This week's feature is from those pre-millennial days, and it also spawned this Jon Bon Jovi-starring sequel:

But that's not the we're going to watch. We're stuck with James Woods, not Jon Bon Jovi. And no sparkling vampires.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Alexia Staniotes
will not sparkle, either.

May 20, 2012 Vampires Finally, John Carpenter's long-awaited werewolf epic! Lycanthropic wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Alexia Staniotes, and other wolves.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

(escape from l.a.)

So, yeah. John Carpenter's second remake of a classic horror film didn't go quite as well as it had the first time around.

Meanwhile, Kurt Russell—who was in Carpenter's previously mentioned masterpieces Escape From New York, The Thing, and especially Big Trouble in Little China—wasn't doing so well career-wise, either.

They decided to regroup, which was cooler. They decided to revive one of their previous successes, which was even cooler.

Unfortunately, they didn't go with Big Trouble's Jack Burton. They went with Escape's Snake Plissken.

Snake Plissken's a fine character, but...look, the problem is that Carpenter tried to recreate Escape From New York, and not only did he not have the budget to properly do so (and the first film was already a low-budget affair), he did so using CGI. We're talking about 1996 CGI here. Worse, he tried to lighten the tone of the film, thus ejecting much of what made the original work. (See also Tobe Hooper's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2.)

As a result, we live in a world where this exists.

Oh well. After this, John Carpenter did a movie about vampires, years before they started to sparkle.

That's gotta be good, right?

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Ziad Ezzat
may try to escape from The Dark Room before the movie's over.

May 13, 2012 Escape From L.A. More like escape from a sequel than never shoulda been made, amirite? Snakey pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Ziad Ezzat, and other Russells.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

(village of the damned)

So who is John Carpenter, and what would I do if I were him?

Let's answer the first question first, and the second question maybe not at all.

John Carpenter was one of the most promising directors to emerge in the late seventies, with Dark Star, Assault on Precinct 13, Halloween, and (my favorite of the bunch) The Fog.

He did pretty well in the eighties, too, with classics including Escape from New York, The Thing, Big Trouble in Little China, and many more. Great films, but none of them were really big hits, exactly.

Let's enjoy the trailer for what I consider to be one of his most underrated films from that period, Prince of Darkness:

Here's the thing (no pun intended): Hollywood only lets you get away with not making money for so long. And in the nineties, his work started to seriously go off the rails. This week's feature is prime example of that.

It's not the first time Carpenter remade a classic horror film, and when he remade The Thing he created a classic in its own right. This movie, not so much.

And when it tanked, he decided to go the sequel route. But we'll get to that next week, unfortunately.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Ira Emsig
will be the Front Row of the Damned.

May 6, 2012 Village of the Damned (1995) Mysterious, blonde children turn out to be mind-controlling space aliens. So it's like They Live without bubblegum or ass-kicking. Gosh-darned wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Ira Emsig, and other villagers.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

(the last dragon)

While this month's final movie is the only one not directed by Robert Clouse, who also directed Enter the Dragon, it still exists in Bruce Lee's shadow the way the previous four did.

But in a good way, as opposed to Game of Death's "Let's bleed Bruce Lee's corpse dry, and even show it on screen!" way.

No, this film very much respects Bruce Lee, and it also has the Bad Movie Night seal of approval, in that it's just plain awesome. We love this movie very much, and we are going to have a lot of fun riffing on it.

Saying anything else would veer into spoiler territory (heaven forfend!), so instead, let's enjoy De Barge's hit song from the film. The video has nothing to do with the movie, yet nails the tone perfectly.

So much fun. And if you're not saying "Sho'nuff!" for the next week, you have no soul, sir or madam.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, and John Hell
are already sho'nuffing, sho'nuff!

April 29, 2012 The Last Dragon Not to be confused with The Last Airbender. For the love of god, do not confuse it with that. Will wackiness ensues? Sho'nuff! Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley, John Hell, and other shoguns.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

(gymkata)

First off: yay, this is our last Robert Clouse movie. We've done four of his movies in a row, and that's just not okay. Sure, yes, we're doing four John Carpenter movies in a row next month, but that's different, see? It just is.

Anyway, this movie, which fails to turn gymnast Kurt Thomas into an action hero, is also not okay. It's very, very not okay.

But what is okay is that there are some video reviews of it up on the YouTubes! Finally! It's been too long. They're not very well done, but godsdamnit, they exist and I can embed them, and that's what matters.

The first is by HaggardMikesReviews, who seems to specialize in ealy 80s martial arts movies. Good on him for that.

And then there's HoodScienceTheater. Yeah. They have their thing, they're doing their thing, and I'll let them speak for themselves.

Sure, why not?

And, bonus! Future conservative douchenozzle Michael Medved on this film as well as Rappin' in 1985, during which he also refers to rapping as a "bizarre new fad." At the end of the clip, he attempts to rap. He should not have done that.

So, that happened. And so did this movie, unfortunately.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Tristan Buckner, and Ira Emsig
will stick the landing.

April 22, 2012 Gymkata Gymkata! Gymkata! (It's just a fun word.) Whitewashed pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Tristan Buckner, Ira Emsig, and other clousers.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

(game of death)

So, a lot of people got all whiny when we did Enter the Dragon a couple weeks ago. "Waaah Bruce Lee is awesome that's a good movie WTF!" and so forth. Even some people in our ranks couldn't quite bring themselves to dispect the master, or whatever.

The thing of it is, there's nothing we could do to Bruce Lee's legacy that comes close to tarnishing it the way this movie does.

It uses existing Bruce Lee fight footage that he was working on before his death (including the iconic yellow-and-black suit), reaction shots from other movies, a bunch of nonsensical plot filler, and most horribly, doubles of Bruce. At one point, they even used a cardboard cut-out of his face, because who would ever notice?

You might notice, at 1:05 in this clip.

Um, yeah. We're the ones sullying Bruce's memory. That's us!

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, and Tim Kay
may also use cardboard cut-outs.

April 15, 2012 Game of Death So not only did Tarantino...er...indulge himself Bruce Lee's corpse, he got sloppy seconds after this movie. Also, eww! Posthumous wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, Tim Kay, and other kareems.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

(black belt jones)

Oh, thank goodness. We're back to mob-clobbering.

There's been a distinct lack of mobsters in the last few movies, and I was getting a bit anxious. But since this week's feature is a confluence of kung fu and blaxploitation, the mob had to be involved.

Jim Kelly was never anything close to the big star that Bruce Lee was, or even Chuck Norris, but he no less charismatic than either of them. Granted, being more charismatic than Chuck Norris (who will appear in next week's feature, be warned) is not all that difficult, but I still want to give Kelly credit where it's due. Lord know he's gotten the shaft-in-a-bad-way over the years.

Most slightly-younger people probably remember him best as Kung Fu Joe in I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.

Except that's not Jim Kelly. That's Steve James from the American Ninja series, where he didn't even play the titular ninja (but rather played a Rambo-type, as was the fashion in the mid-90s.) This means that Jim Kelly got passed over by Keenan Ivory Wayans! That's so not okay.

So, yeah, Jim Kelly doesn't get the respect he deserves.

And we'e probably not going to give it to him, either. At least, not tonight.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Maura Sipila
are yellow belts in riffing.

April 8, 2012 Black Belt Jones Fact: Jones wears the black belt for the slimming effect, which is why he also avoids horizontal lines. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement Afrotastic pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Maura Sipila, and other joneses.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

(enter the dragon)

And so, with Steven Seagal's massive ego out of the way, a month of mostly-but-not-entirely authentic martial arts mayhem begins.

Bruce Lee is a legendary and iconic badass, no question about that. A real badass, no less, unlike the aforemented Mr. Seagal. His tragic death happened entirely too soon, and he left an amazing legacy.

Fun fact: that is not the same as his movies being good. Most of them aren't. We've already had people complaining that it isn't a bad movie, based purely on the fact that it's Bruce Lee's best movie. In fact, this week's feature may be the closest thing he made to a good movie, and Bruce himself is awesome in it, but that doesn't keep the movie from being bad.

The sad truth is, Bruce Lee was often the best part of crappy movies and television, some of which was downright surreal -- like, when he played himself on The Milton Berle Show in 1966.

Yeah, exactly.

There's nothing we can do to this movie that can tarnish Bruce Lee's legend. That job was already done by Milton Berle, and even moreso by Game of Death. But we'll get to that one in a couple weeks.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Rose Lacy
are not dragon-enterers, but they don't judge those who are.

April 1, 2012 Enter the Dragon It means that a dragon is entering a room, right? Not that something is entering a dragon? I'm not sure I could handle that. Scaley wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Rose Lacy, and other Jeet Kune Doers.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

(red dawn)

Hot damn! It's our anniversary, you guys.

On March 27, 2005, Jim Fourniadis and Ty McKenzie unleashed Bad Movie Night on an unsuspecting world.

Damn. Seven years of bad movies on Sunday nights. That's, like, three hundred and sixtyish weeks of copyright violation love.

No one thought it would last. Some of you were hoping it wouldn't. You know who you are.

One former Dark Room regular actively boycotts Bad Movie Night, claiming it "just makes us all that much more stupid." To that, we say...um...er...your mom!

Someone else allegedly said that we should be burned down for making fun of It's a Wonderful Life, as we do every December.

But the scorn fueled us, like tiger blood fuels Charlie Sheen. (Topical!) (At least, it would have been in 2011!)

In honor of the haters—hello, haters!—we're once again showing the flick that started things off in those sepia-toned days of the mid-Aughts: the 1984 paramilitary fantasy Red Dawn, in which multicultural Commies take over the USA. Or at least a budget-friendly midwestern town.

Come on down and take over The Dark Room as we celebrate seven years of Bad Movie Night making the world stupid for everyone. Especially your mom.

Your hosts will be Jim Fourniadis, Andy Wenger, Damien Chacona,
and ZOMG Teh Wolverines!!!11!!1

Bad Movie Night's Seventh Anniversary! March 25, 2012 Red Dawn Patrick Swayze plays a high-school football player leading a bunch of kids in a battle against multicultural commies. Painful, probably socialist math: this will be the eighth time we've done this movie. Socialized pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Andy Wenger, Damien Chacona, and other Wolverines!!!11!!1

Sunday, March 18, 2012

(on deadly ground)

And here's the part where we get off the Seagal train, because pretty much everyone else did.

He finally got to direct his own movie, and it's pretty much as clear as look at the Seagal brain as you're going to get.

Nothing can properly prepare you for how batshit crazy and staggeringly self-important this film is (and, by extension, how batshit crazy and staggeringly self-important Seagal is), especiallt the closing "Save the Earth!" monologue, so let's just enjoy the hand-slap game.

And that's one of the saner parts of the film. Yep.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Jim Fourniadis
will probably spend the whole movie slap-fighting each other.

March 18, 2012 On Deadly Ground Steven Seagal saves the permafrost by talking people to death. And occasionally sticking knives through their heads, which is pretty much the same thing. Oily wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Jim Fourniadis, and other noble savages.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

(under siege)

The original Die Hard changed everything.

If you didn't see it in the theater during its original release, you can't really know the impact it had. It also means you aren't incredibly old like me.

There was a slew (plethora? myriad?) of copycat films over the following decade, like Speed or this week's feature, some which wore their "It's Die Hard in a _________!" on their sleeve and some which tried to be a bit more coy.

Those two in particular were major studio films, as of course were Die Hard's own inevitable sequels, but the format was also attractive to low-budget producers, since it could be shot more or less in one location. As a result, video stores were flooded with this stuff in the early 90s. Again, if you weren't in that culture at the time, you can't really know. It also means, once again, you aren't incredibly old like me.

Anyway, the abolute peak of the genre came in 1996 via the action movie factory PM Entertainment (whose impact you can't really know unless...oh, never mind) and their full-circle "Die Hard in a really tall building" movie Skyscraper, starring Anna Nicole Smith:

Yep. Now, Anna Nicole Smith was a tragic figure who was ultimately very sad and exploited by the media and yadda yadda yadda. May she find the peace in death she was never able to find in life.

There, now that that's done and we won't go to Hell for speaking ill of the dead...please enjoy these outtakes of Ms. Smith from Skyscraper:

Ya wanna know what "acting" is? Watch the poor schmucks who have to share scenes with her. Acting is that they are doing. What Anna is doing? Not acting.

Nor is Steven Seagal in this week's movie, come to think of it. But for some reason, he got away with it, at least for a little while.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Jason Wiener
would be happy to just let this movie go.

March 11, 2012 Under Siege Steven Seagal is under siege, I guess, by Tommy Lee Jones in a biker jacket. Pock-marked pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Jason Wiener, and other Joneses.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

(hard to kill)

As a proud member of Generation X -- look, I have to have to find some good in being born in 1973, aka The Most Hideous Year Ever -- I have great affection for the pop culture of the eighties and nineties.

That's when it was the best, y'know? There's a Tom the Dancing Bug cartoon on the subject of how pop culture was at its height when you (yes, you!) were twelve years old. Can't find it now, but believe you (yes, you!) me, it's hilarious.

The tricky part is, it also means that we're somehow accountable for Steven Seagal's career.

I mean, I never saw any of his movies in the theater or paid a nickel for them in any way, but I watched them, so that makes me responsible. I guess.

As punishment, I'm going to make all of us (including, yes, you!) watch this commercial for Steven Seagal's energy drink. While I'm sure the beverage itself is utter swill, this commercial may either be the best thing ever, or the worst thing ever, or possibly both.

For further punishment, come to Bad Movie Night and riff on his movies with us.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Rose Lacy
will load up on Tibetan Goji Berries, but not Asian Cordyceps.

March 4, 2012 Hard to Kill Steven Seagal is evidently hard to kill, which is not to be confused with dying hard, plzkthxbai. Ponytailed wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Rose Lacy, and other seagulls.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

(x-men: first class)

Oh, thank goodness February is almost over.

Much like the superheroes themselves, watching these dumb stupid superhero movies has achieved what I had previously thought impossible: I'm actually looking forward to watching Steven Seagal movies in March.

But we're not there just yet. We still have yet another fucking X-Men movie to get through.

And, thankfully, we have our favorite YouTube movie-reviewer people (people who review movies on YouTube, but the movies they're reviewing are not actual YouTube movies, they just use YouTube as a medium for reviewing—oh, never mind) to take us the end.

We can't not have the nattily HD Jason Biggs impersonator JeremyJahns starts us off. We just can't not.

My imaginary YouTube girlfriend indymogul is back, and with a better t-shirt this time.

Speaking of women whom I respect for both their brains and their manes, PressHeartToContinue is back.

And, yes, ChrisStuckmann. Cultivate the stubble, broheim.

Finally, broadcasting live from the beautiful The Construct located in downtown The Matrix, it's thefrickenfilmcritic (and his tonsils)!

Oh, I'm gonna miss those crazy kids next month. But I'm not going to miss these movies.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Alexia Staniotes
will have Xs on their eyes when this movie's over.

February 26, 2012 X-Men: First Class Nothing says "superhero action!" than a bunch of people standing around in comfortable, seasonally appropriate clothing. Whee. Freshman pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Alexia Staniotes, and other dropouts.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

(green lantern)

So here we are. We've finished with the big "Wait through the credits to see half of Samuel L. Jackson in an eyepatch!" movies from last summer, and are moving from the Marvel Universe to DC, where things are just a smidgen more dire lately.

Or, at the very least, not as well-reviewed.

Let's see what the YouTube kids have to say! As has become our February 2012 tradition, high-def Jason Biggs wannabe JeremyJahns starts us off.

PressHeartToContinue sat this one out, so here's Bad Movie Night preshow stalwart indymogul and her latest not-ironic-at-all t-shirt.

Then there's the whattheflickshow kids, with their preponderance of unusued teevees.

And let's not forget ChrisStuckmann, though I can't help but be distrcted by the fact that while these reviews were posted within about a month of each other, he appears to have aged about give years between them.

I feel like if I make fun of the Perspective6 folks, I'll be committing a hate crime somehow. So I won't, and instead I will praise them for keeping it under four minutes. Yay brevity!

But there will be no brevity for us—we're going to riff all one hundred and twenty minutes (give or take the closing credits) of this green stinkburger.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Dan Foley
will get all yellow on this movie's ass. (And, ew!)

February 19, 2012 Green Lantern This is a prequel to The Great Gatsby or something, right? With the green light and all? Like I said, I don't know much about superheroes. Wackiness which means you can safely cross the street ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Dan Foley, and other Colemans.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

(captain america: the first avenger)

Okay, quick question: which came first, Norse gods or World War II?

If you answered Norse gods, you have some grasp of time. If you answered World War II, well, you're into comic book movies.

Thor's technically been around longer than Captain America, is all I'm sayin'.

Anyway, let's enjoy some more video reviews, won't we? We'll start once again with the high-def JeremyJahns, who continues to do a fantastic if dizzyingly-edited Jason Biggs impersonation.

Not quite as ADD-esquely edited is PressHeartToContinue, who just makes me feel old due to the fact that I don't recognize anything on her walls. A lot of it is video game stuff, I guess?

I do recognize most of the posters on ChrisStuckmann's wall, but that doesn't help much.

The whattheflickshow folks are professionals, and they have teevees behind them showing their logo to prove it.

Fun fact: a couple of the whattheflickshow people worked with Roger Ebert. So did the ReelzChannel guy, but the less said about that, the better. (Though can speak from personal experience that if you call him a tool on Twitter, he will respond. So don't do that.

But do come riff the movie with us, won't you?

Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, and Tim Kay
will slam the lid back on this movie's can.

February 12, 2012 Captain America: The First Avenger The title of a movie seems like a weird place for a firstie, but I've never really understood superheroes. Dimple-chinned pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Tim Kay, and other discharged expatriates.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

(thor)

Comic book movies are here to stay, and we're just going to have to deal with it.

Thankfully, however, we have the people on YouTube tell us how they're dealing with it, though as usual, how they're telling us how they're dealing with it is actually more entertaining than how they're actually dealing with it. Or something like that.

For example, there's your smartly dressed 720p JeremyJahns, who has two tricks that he knows well: turning his greenscreen background into red, and cutting between every sentence. His greatest trick of all is being totally being Jason Biggs while not being Jason Biggs at all.

The spillcom guys just go straight for animation, give or take anything being animated. Also, they use the phrase "gay house," because that's a thing to say that's funny if you desperately want the world to think you're straight.

Using no effects trickery at all, there's MovieBlogTV. But how does he record his sound, anyway? Nobody knows! It's a mystery!

I'm even less certain how yeastmyinfecti0n (yikes!) records her sound, but I'm guessing it's inside a British wind tunnel.

The sound of the equally-British mollylovesmovies is less hissy but also sounds more like she's talking on a phone, but that's okay, because she it's 2011 and she still has a TV/VCR combo in her bedroom. That is seriously OG.

Finally, there's the disconcertingly straightforward mattsmoviereviews, who I think is Australian. Whatever his country of origin, homeboy needs to invest in some frames for those posters.

So what have we learned?

It's a bad, bad movie. That's all you need to know.

Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and Ziad Ezzat
will Branagh all over this movie.

February 5, 2012 Thor SPOILER: The hammer is his penis. Wackiness (which u can't touch, so don't even try, seriously) ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Ziad Ezzat, and other sledges.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

SF Sketchfest Presents:
(voyage to the planet of prehistoric women)

(This was originally written for sfweekly.com. Also, admission is $15, 'cuz it's Sketchfest.)

When I was choosing a feature for the upcoming SF Sketchfest 2012 Bad Movie Night (Sunday, January 29, get your tickets now!), I knew we were going to need a doozy of a stinker, a public domain oddity whose quality was obvious from the title.

And I found it: 1968's Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women. Sounds horrible, huh? It's not to be confused with 1966's Women of the Prehistoric Planet, but it is to be confused with 1965's Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet, as well as a 1962 Soviet sci-fi film called Planet of Storms.

Confused? I'll explain.

Planet of Storms is an odd mix of pulpy sci-fi and dour Russian cinema. It opens with glum cosmonauts in a Tarkovsky-esque brood-mode.

While there's plenty of brooding left to go, rubber-monster wackiness ensues when they land on Venus, including a mean red mother in outer space.

So Roger Corman bought Storms, had Curtis Harrington dub it into English, re-edit it, and shoot some new footage on the cheap, and Corman released it as Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet. Much of the brooding was removed (as well as a female cosmonaut), and dialogue that wasn't very smart in the first place was dumbed further down.

Never one not to use every part of the cow several times, Corman then hired Peter Bogdanovich to re-edit Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet -- not Storms, mind you, but the already-Americanized version -- into a third movie.

Bogdanovich removed Harrington's new footage, covered much of the redubbed dialogue with narration, and excerpted the intro and other effects from Battle Beyond the Sun, itself a re-edit by Francisco Ford Coppola of another Russian sci-fi film, The Sky is Calling.

Most importantly, Bogdanovich shot scenes of Mamie Van Doren on the shores of Big Sur Venus as the leader of a group of clamshell-bikini-wearing, pterodactyl-worshipping women who are totally prehistoric -- Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women, QED -- and totally worth the $15 admission. Get your tickets now!

By the way, the aforementioned Women of the Prehistoric Planet bears no relation to these other movies beyond the samey-sounding name. Forget I aforementioned it.

And we'll see you on January 29.

Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Mike Spiegelman
will be doing their own Tarkovsky-esque brooding after riffing through this movie.

January 29, 2012 BMN: SF Sketchfest Edition! We'll be riffing on Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women. Get your tickets now! Hurry! Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and other Van Dorens.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

(pirates of the caribbean: on stranger tides)

Ugh. I cannot possibly emphasize this enough, but I'm going to try by using both italics and bolding:

Johnny Depp wearing eyeliner is no longer enough of a reason for these movies to exist.

Also, fuck shit fuck shit fuck Hollywood so much.

Sorry. This is just the kind of movie/franchise that angries up my blood, even moreso than the Transformers series, which at least has...um...well, okay, it doesn't have anything going for it, but its still not as patently offensive as the fact that $250M was spent to make a fourth goddamned one of these.

Granted, it only grossed $241M domestically, which would almost be reason enough for the series to end...except that it grossed over $1B worldwide.

Fucking shit, world. Stop doing that. You're supposed to be the smart ones compared to America, remember?

To calm myself down, let's all enjoy this fellow's review of the movie, which contain more lip-smacking than any other video on the 'tubes:

Was anyone else distracted by the fact that he doesn't have any refrigerator magnets, or is it just me? I mean, seriously, where does he keep his pizza delivery coupons? WHERE?

In conclusion: fuck this movie.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Jason Wiener, and Maura Sipila
will require over $1B of therapy by the time it's over.

January 22, 2012 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides "Johnny Depp wearing eyeliner is no longer enough of a reason for these movies to exist." There, I said it. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-rated wackiness ensues. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Jason Wiener, Maura Sipila, and other law-abiding citizens.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

(harry potter and the deathly hallows: part 2)

Right off the bat, I liked the books. The first couple were unchallenging but entertaining, and then shit started getting dark with the third book.

Same with the movies, though the fourth film left me cold, and I felt they all lacked the tone of magical realism of the books, opting instead for a more outright-fantasy vibe The fifth I went to see on a Sunday morning at the tail end of its run in IMAX 3-D, and I have to admit, the battle in the Ministry of Magic at the end was pretty great, even if much like in the book, the "magic wands as laser guns" concept felt like a cheat, and whooboy, don't even get me started on my problems with how the series overdid the effects on the lumos spell—

Okay, I'm going to stop myself right there, and instead, let's enjoy Daniel Radcliffe covering Tom Lehrer.

Ah, that's better.

By the way, this is the first Harry Potter movie we ever done. Will we eventually get to the rest of the movies?

Oh, we just might.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, and Ira Emsig
still haven't figured out how this can be the eighth part of a seven-part series.

January 15, 2012 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 The eighth part of a seven-part series. Math is hard! Rowling-ing pandemonium reigns. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Ira Emsig, and other wingless angels.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

(transformers: dark of the moon)

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Fuck Hollywood.

No, seriously. We here at Bad Movie Night love movies (we wouldn't do this every week otherwise), but it never doesn't bear repeating: Fuck Hollywood.

Here's the deal.

Transformers 4 is going to start production by end of the year, and will be shat upon us sometime in 2014.

Think about that for a moment.

Originally, The Transformers was a cartoon teevee show which existed solely to sell toys. Refer to our writeup on Masters of the Universe for more on this particular phenomemon, plzkthx.

In 1986, The Transformers: The Movie came out while the series was on the air. It wasn't great, but it was better than one might expect for an animated movie based on an animated teevee series which existed solely to sell toys.

It got a PG rating, the hero died, and Orson Welles did a voice. Oh, remember that "You Got the Power" song from Boogie Nights? That's from The Transformers: The Movie.

We kid you not:

Twenty years later, the director of Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II makes a live-action version, simply calling it Transformers, in keeping with our post-literate times.

It was a big hit. (Which is not so much the fault of Hollywood so much as it is everyone who paid ten bucks to see it, but pick pick.) So he makes a sequel which was also a big hit, grossing $400M. If not for James Cameron's 3-D smurf movie, it would be the highest grossing movie of 2010. Also a big hit in 2010 was Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. USA! USA! USA!

So he makes a third, one, this week's feature, which grossed a mere $352M locally (USA! USA! USA!), but $1.1B worldwide. Damn you, rest of the world. (On the plus side, 2011's Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked flopped.)

Anyway, Michael Bay is now making the fourth live-action movie based on a twenty year-old animated teevee series which had already spawned one animated movie.

A fourth movie.

Fuck Hollywood. Fuck Hollywood so hard.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, and Tristan Buckner
will take some solace in the fact that Megan Fox is gone.

January 8, 2012 Transformers: Dark of the Moon Shia LaBeouf shouting "No no no!", robot fart jokes, fear of female sexuality, Michael Bay Michael Bay Michael Bay. Wackiness ensues, but batteries are not included. Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Tristan Buckner, and other autosnarkbots.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

(snakes on a plane)

You heard about it back in the mid-aughts. You laughed about it.

You probably even blogged about it on your Geocities account or whatever, you motherfuckin' nerd.

But you didn't actually pay ten bucks to see it, did you?

Didn't think so. You probably barely even remember that it existed, or that movies once cost ten bucks and were shown in 2-D.

But that's okay. We here at Bad Movie Night exist to make sure you get a chance to see internet-famous financial flops which you'll probably never get around to putting in your Netflix Qwikster Netflix queue.

You probably shouldn't watch it on teevee, though. It won't be quite what you expect:

Anyway, it's our tradition here. It's how we started 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011, after all.

And those years turned out great, huh?

2012 will be better. We promise.* (Oh, and stick around after the show if you want to watch Mr. Plinkett's review of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with us.)

*promise not valid

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, John Hell, and Alexia Staniotes
have not yet had enough of this motherfucking movie.

Annual Kickoff Movie! January 1, 2012 Snakes on a Plane The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by motherfucking snakes. Slithery wackiness ensues. Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, John Hell, Alexia Staniotes and other bad motherfuckers.