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Sunday, December 28, 2008

(the perfect holiday)

We've tried, people, honestly we've tried. But for the life of us we can't figure out this movie.

It's a comedy of some sort, and it's set at Christmas, and it has Queen Latifah so you know there's gonna be sass, and evidently there's somebody in an elephant suit at some point,but otherwise...your guess is as good as ours.

We're pretty sure it's bad. That much, we promise.

See you in '09.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly and Dan Foley
will have the perfect snark.

December 28, 2008 The Perfect Holiday
A bland, generic romantic comedy set around Christmas, which makes it bland, generic and cloying. But it also has Queen Latifah, so it's bland, generic, cloying and sassy!
Imperfect pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Dan Foley and other tourists.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

(silent night, deadly night)

Damn, Hollywood sucks.

See, a remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night was announced. That's not why Hollywood sucks, though. We here at Bad Movie Night have no problem with remakes, since we know most movies suck no matter what. Battlefield Earth, 8 Crazy Nights and Gigli weren't remakes of anything, and they're some of the worst movies ever. So there's nothing inherently wrong with remakes.

Except when they don't get made.

This here is the sucky part: the Silent Night, Deadly Night remake was supposed to be released in 2008. So, we were all "Great! We'll do the original version at Bad Movie Night around the time that the remake comes out, and it'll have a built-in audience! People will have to come, and they'll have to like us! They'll have to!" Then we ran down the hall and slammed the door to our bedroom and sobbed into our pillow.
beardless santa with an axe. yeah, pretty much.

So we put it on the original—a schlocky, no-budget oh-so-eighties slasher about a guy in a Santa suit killing people—on the schedule, and waited for that huge marketing push to happen. We kept an eye out for those billboards and bus shelter ads and all those other invasive ads that would make people be all "Hey! Let's go see the original at Bad Movie Night! It looks like a hoot, and it's only five bucks!"

And we waited. And waited some more. And kept on waiting.

Turns out the movie never got made.

So now we're stuck showing the original at Bad Movie Night.

Thankfully, it's really, really bad.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy and Wylie Herman
are suckers for wood paneling.

December 21, 2008 Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
A guy puts on a Santa suit and kills people. What, you were expecting something else?
Slashy wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman and Wylie Herman and other axe-wielding carolers.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

(it's a wonderful life)

As usual, the San Francisco Weekly's repertory calendar said it best last year:

Yeah. What's wrong with these people? Which is to say, us?

How can we make fun of a movie that's so beloved, that's so loved by so many people, that we evidently aren't supposed to...well, make fun of it?

Well, have you tried to actually watch the movie recently?

If not—or even if you have—come on down and watch it again, by the time it's over, you'll feel just like the kid at the bottom of the picture with his hands on his face.

This year, your S.O.B. hosts are Jim Fourniadis, Damien Chacona and Andy Wenger.

December 14, 2008 It's a Wonderful Life
Frank Capra and Jimmy Stewart spare every sitcom for the next sixty years from having to come up with an original idea for a Christmas episode.
Suicidal pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Damien Chacona, Andy Wenger and other wingless angels.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

(santa claus: the movie)

santa claus: the movie The Salkinds were on a roll, man. They were on a motherfucking roll.

They had a pretty solid formula: take an existing cultural icon, like Superman or The Three Musketeers, and make a movie or three about them.

Can't go wrong, y'know? Built-in audience recognition, and if you pay exorbitant amounts of money to get name stars—like Marlon Brando or Gene Hackman—that gives the project an extra bit of respectability. Even if everybody knows that the stars in question only did the movie because of the aforementioned exorbitant sums of money. Hell, that's okay too, because it means people know you gots the money and that means they know you gots the bitches, yo!

(Though the Salkinds were Frenchmen who mostly operated in the Seventies and early Eighties, we choose to believe they spoke in Millennial faux hip-hop slang. Please don't be a hater and suggest other wise. Why you be hating?)
why jewish kids shouldn't feel jealous.

Admittedly, their Superman movies had turned into a textbook example of diminishing returns, with Superman III a minor financial and critical flop and the spinoff Supergirl a major financial and critical flop.

But, still! Money! Bitches! And most importantly, moxie!

Having had enough of the "caped superhero" genre, they moved on to the "hirsute, morbidly obese superhero" genre: Santa Claus. They'd pour a gazillion dollars into a movie about Santa Claus—okay, it was only fifty million, but in 1984 dollars that was the same as a gazllion—and it would keep the money and bitches rolling in.

Except that, because of all the money they spent on sets and special effects and whatnot, they didn't really have much left over for big stars. So they got Dudley Moore as an elf, and John Lithgow as the bad guy, an evil corporate bigwig who's only interested in money and bitches. (Meta!)

And to play Santa, they got the guy who delivered the "but we don't want the Irish" line from Blazing Saddles. Man, that was great, wasn't it? Let's enjoy it right now:

Heh. "Aw, prairie shit."

Anyway, to direct they hired Jeannot Szwarc, who'd helmed the disastrous Supergirl. But at least he knew how to take orders, unlike, say, Richard Donner. Even that limey cocksucker Richard Lester hadn't gotten a bit uppity during Superman III.

And...yeah. The movie made less than half its budget back, it did nothing for anyone's career, and as for the bitches?

Trust us, you don't wanna know.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman and A.J. Margolis
will stuff a lump of snark in this movie's stocking.

December 7, 2008 Santa Claus: The Movie
The guys who made the first three Superman movies try to do the same with Santa Claus. It turns out about as well as Superman IV.
Reindeer-powered wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, A.J. Margolis and other small, pointy-eared slave laborers.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

(the black hole)

the star wars holiday special Disney was troubled in the seventies. To put it mildly.

Ol' Walt had long since been consigned to the Great Freezer Under the Pirates of the Caribbean, the company's best animators were retiring left and right, and their live-action movies (which tended not to be all that great to begin with) were getting suckier, and worse, not making money.

As any studio will, Disney had projects in various states of completion, some still on the drawing board, some ready to come out, and some they didn't know what the hell to do with.

The Black Hole fell into the latter category. It had been knocking around since the mid-seventies, but they weren't so enthusiastic about it, because, really? Science fiction? In space, even? Yeah, right. Those movies always flop. They played it safe and stuck to crappy but profitable movies like Gus or The Shaggy D.A. or Freaky Friday. (Ugh. Disney movies are a big reason why I hated being a kid. They felt so conscending. Even as a five year-old, I resented that people expected me to like this stuff.)
it makes more sense in the movie. (sort of.)

Then that one movie came out—the name escapes me—the science fiction movie with the spaceships and lasers and the robots and stuff. And it made a ton of money. So, Disney revived The Black Hole.

But they also knew it was missing that certain...something, the elements guaranteed to return boffo box office, to make sure the hix woldn't nix it. Like, laser gun battles and cute robots. That's what made that one movie about wars in the stars such a bit hit.

It became the most expensive movie produced by Disney at the time, their first PG-rated movie, as well as their first movie to feature a character getting eviscerated by rotating blades. Though I haven't seen Pete's Dragon in several years, so I could be wrong.

And yet, in spite of gratuitous laser gun battles and cute robots—the main robot is even a total femme, like in that other movie—The Black Hole was not the big hit Disney was hoping for.

But it is a hell of a lot of fun.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman and Geekboy
are searching for habitable life.

November 30, 2008 The Black Hole (1979)
Disney's first and only attempt at a big-budget, PG-rated sci-fi action movie. In the works since the mid-seventies, it wasn't considered a major project until Star Wars changed everything, nor was it originally so focused on "cute" robots.
(Note: our curator Sherilyn is offended at herself for putting this movie on the schedule. She's very fond of The Black Hole, so by definition it's a "good" movie and nobody should make fun of it.)
Heavily matted wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy, Mike Spiegelman, and other huge sucking vortices.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

(buck rogers in the 25th century)

the star wars holiday special The Battlestar Galactica series wasn't doing so well.

The ratings were fairly strong, but it still wasn't turning a profit, so it was cancelled.

Forturnately, producer Glen A. Larson had another sci-fi series ready to go, based on a character who had previously appeared in comic strips and thirties serials. Even better, Larson could re-use many of the props and effects from Galactica, because, really, who notices such things?

Since the theatrical release of Battlestar Galactica had done fairly (if stupidly) well in the theaters after the series had been on the air, the studio decided to release the pilot episode of Buck Rogers to theaters beforethe series premiered.

It did pretty well, because it was 1979 and people were kinda dumb back then. (It's one of the first movies Sherilyn can remember seeing in the theater. She's not proud of this.)

But we're smarter now, right? Right?

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em and A.J. Margolis wonder
what they are, who they are, what they will be,
where they are going and what they will see.

November 23, 2008 Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (1979)
Also a theatrical movie culled from the first few episodes, the producers of Battlestar Galactica use leftoever effects and props for an even crappier Star Wars ripoff. But it's okay, because thousands of teenage boys discovered masturbation after seeing Erin Gray in her shiny form-fitting spacesuits.
Accidentally frozen wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, A.J. Margolis and other hunky astronauts.

We couldn't find the movie trailer,
so please enjoy Damon Packard's "Space Rockers."

MONDAY, November 17, 2008

(the star wars holiday special)

the star wars holiday special This is the one. The big, bad bad bad one.

The true red-headed stepchild of the Jedi. Those of us old enough to have seen this when it originally aired—November 17, 1978, thirty long years ago—are still scarred.

In honor of this illustrious anniversary, we present a special Monday Bad Movie Night. We'll be showing this piece of Wookiee dung with built-in Rifftrax audio, from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys.

A brief sample:

It'll be the most fun you can possibly have watching the worst thing ever made.

Your hosts Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett
have plenty more riffs available at

MONDAY, November 17, 2008 Special Life Day Event! (1978)
On November 17, 1978, families all over America sat down to watch a teevee holiday special based on the most popular movie ever. (Including the Connellys on Tenaya Avenue in Fresno, whose five year-old didn't get to see the movie the year before.) Thirty years later, we get revenge.
Lumpy pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Special surprise guest hosts will be Riffing on prerecorded Trax.

Sunday, November 16, 2008



moonraker Possibly the strongest influence Star Wars had on the entertainment industry, and certainly the stupidest, was on existing properties.

Sure, it made for some crappy "original" projects like Battlestar Galactica and Star Crash, but at least those more or less started from scratch. But what of teevee shows and movies which were looking for that Star Wars Bump?

Sometimes it was cute and funny and charming, like Mark Hamill on The Muppet Show:

Sometimes it was dark and scary and Mormon, like on Donny and Marie:

But those were just teevee variety shows. Existing movie franchises couldn't directly incorporate Star Wars, but they could sure use elements like spaceships and ray guns and stuff.

Which is exactly what the James Bond series did with Moonraker in 1979, which took its title and little else from Ian Fleming's earthbound novel.

James Bond. In space. With the aforementioned ray guns and stuff.

Granted, the series had been getting increasingly silly over the years—Richard Kiel as a mute thug with steel teeth named "Jaws," a recurring character of a hick Southern sheriff, Hervé Fucking Villechaize as a henchman—so going into space wasn't that big a leap, so to speak.

Even Moonraker's gondola chase (what?) through St. Mark's Square, complete with a pigeon doing a doubletake (WHAT?) seemed the logical progression from all the stupidity which had come before.

Still, though. James Bond. IN SPACE.

It's considered the worst Bond film now, but it was a big hit at the time, and the most financially successful Bond film until Goldeneye sixteen years later.

Shame on you, 1979. Shame on you.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em and Dan Foley
do not have a license to snark. But they will anyway.

November 16, 2008 Moonraker (1979)
James Bond bangs chicks while foiling a madman's plans for world domination. Except this time it's in space! With rayguns!
Shaken (not stirred) wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Dan Foley and other secret agents.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

(star crash)

battlestar galactica David Hasselhoff, wielding a lightsaber, battling robots.

Really, what more do you need to know than that?

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em and Geekboy
will take you on a shadowy flight into the
dangerous world of a man who does not exist.

November 9, 2008 Star Crash (1978)
A young David Hasselhoff stars in an Italian...oh, why bother? We had you at Hasselhoff.
Starchy pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Geekboy and other baywatchers.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

(battlestar galactica)

70s sci-fi teevee.

the grudge 2 There's a long, proud tradition of crappy teevee ripoffs of popular movies, so there was nothing new in theory about Universal Studios' Battlestar Galactica.

What's more, the idea had been kicking around for at least a decade, and like Disney's The Black Hole (which we'll get to later this month), it didn't get greenlit until 20th Century Fox's Star Wars was a huge ginormous hit.

Fox sued Universal, claiming that Battlestar Galactica was similar enough to Star Wars to be a copyright violation, what with the dogfights in space and the heroes on quests and robot-like enemy troops and spaceships with the red stripes and all. That last, admittedly blatant bit of design mimicry was due to the fact that the ships in both Star Wars and Galactica were designed by Ralph McQuarrie. Hey, how many different ideas do you have?
pretty boys. lavender. you do the math.

Universal turned around and told Fox to suck it (legally speaking), pointing out that Star Wars was not exactly the most original thing ever, what with the robots being inspired by the ones in Silent Running and the structure of the film being like the Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon serials, the latter of which George Lucas had unsuccessfully attempted to get the rights to before making his "original" movie. Fox grumbled, went away and consoled itself by rolling around in the huge piles of cash Star Wars was still generating.

Though it was fairly popular, helped fill the void between Star Wars films, and in all fairness had some pretty great special effects for a seventies teevee show, Battlestar Galactica was cancelled after one season (thus breaking the hearts of young Sherilyn and countless other six year-old geeks all over America). It didn't help that most of the scripts were lousy, often rewrites of Westerns and war movies with clunky dialogue and contrived plots, and it was too expensive to produce on a weekly basis, even though the same dozen or so effects shots were used over and over and over and over and over and over again. Even with good ratings, it cost too much.

After the show went off the air, the first three episodes were edited together into a movie (this week's feature) and released to theaters. In SENSURROUND, even! If you don't believe us, believe YouTube, which never lies:

And then it was never ever heard from again, and it certainly wasn't remade twenty-some years later as a political drama which Time called the Best Teevee Show of 2005. We don't talk about that.

By the way—Ellen Tigh is totally the final Cylon. Mark our words.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, A.J. Margolis and Mike Spiegelman
will frack any toaster that moves.

November 2, 2008 Battlestar Galactica (1978)
The first three episodes of the series edited into a movie and released to theaters, but c'mon, this is so not Battlestar Galactica. Adama is white? The Cylons aren't sexy? Starbuck's a dude? I mean, what the frack?
Turbo-powered wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, A.J. Margolis, Mike Spiegelman and other toasterfrackers.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

(the grudge 2)


the grudge 2 The evolution of the Grudge series is far less convoluted than the Ring series, though it's every bit as stupid.

It started, oddly enough, as a pair of three-minute videos made for a 1998 teevee anthology: Katasumi and 444-444-4444. They were popular, probably because young girls in short schoolgirl skirts are involved.

Director Takashi Shimizu has said they're essentially prequels, setting up everything that follows, though in retrospect they might as well be enacted by Bunnies.
kid-tested, NAMBLA-approved.

Anyway, they were followed by two direct-to-video features, Ju-on and Ju-on 2, both in 2000. It was that sort of year. In Japan video is like a testing ground for movies, so in 2003 theatrical versions were released: Ju-on: The Grudge and Ju-on: The Grudge 2, also dirceted by Takashi "Death Grip" Shimizu.

American producers Sam Raimi and Robert Tapert gobbled up the domestic rights and put an American remake into production, directed by—yep, you guessed it—Shimizu.

Sarah Michelle Gellar was brought on as the star, in hopes that it would give her the post-Buffy "serious actress" cred that that the two (2!) Scooby Doo movies had failed to provide.

It didn't work. Then she appeared in the sequel, this week's feature. It didn't work, either.

Meanwhile, Shimizu high-tailed it back to Japan to make Ju-on: The Grudge 3. The American, not-Ju-on version of The Grudge 3 is also in the works, directed by nobody you've ever heard of (Toby Wilkins) and starring that one chick from the Saw movies (Shawnee Smith).

Oh, and it's going straight to video. Fitting, no?

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman and Sherilyn Connelly
will never forgive or forget this movie.

October 26, 2008 The Grudge 2
Not to be outdone by Hideo Nakata, original Ju-on: The Grudge director Takashi Shimizu directs both the crappy American remake and this even crappier sequel. Suck it, Hideo!
Bitter pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mike Spiegelman, Sherilyn Connelly and other cranky ghosts.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

(the hills have eyes 2)

the hills have eyes 2 The Ring, you can see being remade, since it was such a huge ginormous hit overseas. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Sure, okay, being probably the most iconic horror title this side of Halloween and Friday the 13th.

But The Hills Have Eyes? Really? How did that get remade?

It's seldom mentioned when the great horror films of the seventies are discussed. Even in the context of director Wes Craven's early work, it tends to pale compared to his first movie Last House on the Left, and is pretty much overshadowed by his career-defining hit A Nightmare on Elm Street. (Which itself is currently being made. Hey, it's been over twenty years, why not?)

Craven's followup to Elm Street was actually The Hills Have Eyes Part II, a relic of the era when horror sequels had the word "Part" in their titles. It came out on VHS during the height of horror's reign over home video, which is pretty much the only reason anybody remembers the movie today, along with the Hills Have Eyes poster in the background of that one shot in the original Evil Dead. That was kinda cool.
no, not
those Hills.

So, why was it remade? First of all, it was there. Never underestimate that as a reason for things to happen. Just because. What's more, Craven produced the remake, meaning he'd get a bit of the lucre without having to direct. To an extent, he was also following in the footsteps of John Carpenter, who'd produced the bad, bad, bad remake of his own classic The Fog.

What's more, it was the perfect setup for the then-popular genre of Torture Porn. It involved mutant inbred hillbillies out in the middle of nowhere, which provided lots of opportunities for long, lingering shots of people having their skin peeled of. The Torture Porn, that's what the kids like these days.

The remake was a hit, so they made a sequel.

The sequel was not so much of a hit, so maybe, just maybe, we'll be spared The Hills Have Eyes 3.

If not, Bad Movie Night will be ready for it.

Your hosts will be Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy and Mike Spiegelman and other hillbillies.

October 19, 2008 The Hills Have Eyes 2
Director Wes Craven produces and co-writes the sequel to the remake of his 1977 film, though it's not a remake of the original's sequel The Hills Have Eyes Part II from 1985, because that would just be pointless and self-indulgent.
Rolling wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy, Mike Spiegelman and other hillbillies.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

(the texas chainsaw massacre:
the beginning

the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning In the beginning, Kim Henkel wrote and Tobe Hooper directed The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. As you can see about two seconds into the original trailer, it was in fact two words—chain saw rather than chainsaw—but the distributor marketed it as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and that became the official name. Fuck you, regional Texas dialect!

It was a spooky, scary movie, surprisingly light on blood and gore but heavy on an unsettling atmosphere. Though not directly responsible for the slasher craze (Halloween is to blame for that), it did have its imitators, including Abel Ferrara's early effort Driller Killer, The Toolbox Murders (remade decades later by Tobe Hooper, ironically) and the slightly belated Nail Gun Massacre. Like the VHS box said, "It's cheaper than a chainsaw!" (Though why it's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle doing the killing is anybody's guess.)

And, lest we forget, the classic Atari 2600 game.

Meanwhile, Tobe Hooper's career had not been going so great—his only big hit was Poltergeist, which is arguably producer Steven Spielberg's movie—and in 1986 he went back to the well with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Which was not great, and it completely jettisoned the grimy tone of the first film for bloody slapstick, but it had its moments and it kickstarted Bill Moseley's career, so for that alone we should be grateful.

Four years later came Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, made by nobody who had anything to do with the previous films. It was written by David J. Schow, who's a really sweet guy and co-wrote The Crow with John Shirley, so let's not hold him responsible for crappy the film turned out.

In 1994, original screenwriter Kim Henkel wrote and directed The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, also known as Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (Gene Roddenberry, what hath you wrought?), also known as That Movie With Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey That They Refuse To Talk About in Interviews, plzkthxbai.

The franchise had pretty died out (except for constant DVD reissues of the original film) until Michael Bay decided to produce a big glossy remake. Which sucked. We know, because we watched it last year.

But, um, we're sure this prequel will be better.


Your hosts will be Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Sherilyn Connelly and other cattle.

October 12, 2008 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
The original Chainsaw claimed to be based a true story. It wasn't, not really. The remake claimed also claimed to be claimed to be based a true story, which was even less true. Guess how real the remake's prequel is?
Buzzing pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, Sherilyn Connelly and other cattle.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

(the ring two)

the ring two There are sequels and there are remakes. Frequently the twain shall meet, and never more frequently have the twain met than in the Ring series.

It started as a novel called Ring, which itself was inspired by a Japanese folk tale. Which is cool, because everything has to come from somewhere. It was made into a teevee movie and a series, and then two movies which were released at the same time in 1998: Ring (which is great and scary and available through Netflix and San Francisco's badass public library system) and its sequel Ring Spiral, aka Rasen.

"so, who was the bigger monkey--king kong or jack black?"
Ring was a big hit, but Ring Spiral didn't do so well, and lost its "official sequel" status the following year with the release of Ring 2. (Ring Spiral is now pretty much the Exorcist II: The Heretic of the series.) The original series concluded with a prequel called Ring 0: Birthday in 2000. It also was made into manga novels, because that's what they do over there.

Meanwhile, in 1999 it was also made into a Korean horror movie called The Ring Virus, which was more faithful to the original source novel as well as being the first Japanese-Korean coproduction. In 2000 a game for the Dreamcast (remember that system?) was released called The Ring: Terror's Realm, which by all accounts sucked hairy donkey balls.

The sucking of hairy donkey balls leads us to the American remake.

What can we say? It was Americanized. Director Gore Verbinski displayed his prodigious talent for overproduced, overwritten crap which would find fruition in the next few years with the Pirates of the Caribbean series. He took all the eerie elements from the original Ring film and amped them up to such a degree that the lost all their sense of menace—specially the cursed video, which was so unsettling in the original but feels like a bad student film in Verbiniski's version. Then there's the horrible, sub-Matrix green filter over every scene. (Yeah, we get it. Video. Spooky!) And don't even get me started on the movie poster showing Naomi Watts in mid-sneeze.

The film was a hit, because Americans reward mediocrity. Verbinski was busy with the Pirates crapfest, but orginal Ring director Hideo Nakata had nothing better to do (and foreign directors remaking their own movies in English is always in vogue), so he helmed the inevitable sequel. Which is technically called The Ring Two, not The Ring 2. Why? Because of the "o" in two. It's a ring. Clever, huh?)

But at least bringing back the original director made it not suck so much, right? Right?

Let's just say you'll wish you were watching Ring Spiral instead. Or even playing the video game.

Before your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Wylie Herman and Geekboy die,
they will see this crappy movie.

October 5, 2008 The Ring Two
Perhaps unhappy with what director Gore Verbinski did with the American remake, Hideo Nakata—the director of the original Japanese Ring films—directs the sequel to the remake. He doesn't get it right, either.
Spiralling wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Wylie Herman and other (ahem) ringers.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

(dirty dancing)

dirty dancingOkay, hang on. It's been a few years. Gotta check the IMDB on this one.

Right, okay. Patrick Swayze. Yeah, he's been in the news lately, what with the terminal illness and all.

Jennifer Grey? Not doing so well these days, either. Didn't work for most of the first half of this decade, and evidently regrets getting a nose job, since her honker was her most recognizable feature. Um, Jennifer? Does the word "duh" mean anything to you?

admit it: you'd do him first.
Ooh, that's right! Jerry Orbach played her father. Jennifer Grey's actual father is Joel Grey, who played the MC in Cabaret. Hard to imagine a movie father could be more different her real father, right?

Actually, no. Jerry Orbach is more of a renaissance man than that. You probably know him from the first three decades of Law and Order, but did you know he did the voice of the candlestick in Disney's Beauty and the Beast? Seriously. Wrap your brain around that one.

That's how badass Jerry Orbach is. He was even in Woody Allen's best film of the eighties, Crimes and Misdemeanors. Which is not to disrespect Hannah and Her Sisters or The Purple Rose of Cairo, which are both masterpieces in their own right, not to mention Zelig and Radio Days. But Crimes and Misdemeanors has an emotional and thematic resonance which...but I digress.

Anyway, yeah, Jerry Orbach—

Wait, what?

He died in 2004? Jerry Orbach is dead?'s just...I'm sorry, I can't go on.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, AJ Margolis and Geekboy
miss Jerry very much.

September 28, 2008 Dirty Dancing
The little-known prequel to Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.
Swayze-esque pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Mikl-Em, A.J. Margolis and other sloppy hoofers.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

(tyler perry's diary of a mad black woman)

diary of a mad black womanSometimes marketing goes horribly awry.

Well, "awry" may not be the right word. When a film costs $5M to make and grosses $50M domestically, one must conclude that the marketing did its job.

Sure, it helps that the movie is based on a play by writer/producer/actor Tyler Perry, who had a strong if grassroots following, but even then—$50M? Marketing, baby. Marketing.

Please follow along at home, won't we?

First there was the primary teaser poster for this week's feature, released to movie theaters several months in advance:

Not bad at all. A lovely design, good use of purple shading, a low-key font, and it leaves plenty of mystery as to what the film's actually about. At first glance one might think it's about a woman gets fused with an orchid in a transporter accident, but, one would be wrong. (Fun fact: writer/producer/actor Tyler Perry is playing the chief of Starfleet Academy in the upcoming J.J. Abrams reboot of Star Trek.) (Another fun fact: the film's title is a riff on 1970's Diary of a Mad Housewife, directed by Frank "No Relation to Tyler" Perry. Moving on.)

Then, closer to the film's release, there was the official one-sheet. As they often will be, the one-sheet expanded on the basic visual idea of the teaser and added more information, though not much:

Clearly, it isn't a comedy. The tone suggests a somber drama. We see a mad (or at least dour) black woman, a bald guy, a guy with cornrows and a sock wrapped around his forehead, and...okay, what the hell is going on in the woman's parietal lobe?

Another poster released around the same time, a character poster, answers that question:

Bam! Though Tyler Perry gets to keep his name in the Poignant Font, the rest of it is in big large Wacky Fun-Time Type! Whee! So the movie's about Tyler Perry in a wig, a fatsuit and floral-print muumuu wielding a gun. (A "straight shooter," see, because of the gun.) Oh, so that's the mad black woman of the title!

Actually, no. But pretty much from that point onwards the all the marketing focused on Perry's drag character of Madea, a tonally inappropriate counterpoint to the movie's heavy melodrama, not to mention the strong Christian overtones.

Remember that Simpsons episode where Homer becomes obsessed with clowns, and when he walks past a bunch of people in flames he sees them as clowns instead? That's pretty much the effect of Madea to the mood of the rest of the film.

And yet Madea was far and away the most popular character, so it's no great shock that when the movie hit video she was front and center on the box, asking the world to pull her finger:

At least the genuinely titular "mad black woman" is still on the box at all. With airbrushed tits, no less.

Perry's movie career has been gangbusters since then, one hit after another and making more money than you'd ever know what to do with: Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion, Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls, Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?, Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns, Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys, and the teevee show Tyler Perry's House of Payne.

Looking at the titles, one might wonder if, for such a fervent Christian, Perry is indulging in the sin of pride just a little bit. (I'm a lapsed Catholic who doesn't believe in God and hasn't attended church in decades, so I'm perfectly qualified to ask these questions.) Or if the deceptive marketing of Diary of a Mad Black Woman bears false witness.

Isn't that a bad thing by any standard?

Oh, right. It grossed $50M, and his subsequent films have grossed $250M so far, not counting DVD sales.

Never mind.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Sean Owens and Geekboy will
be neither airbrushed nor cornrowed.

September 21, 2008 Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Bad drag, pot jokes, cornrows and Christ.
Melodramatic wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Sean Owens, Geekboy and other pale miffed diarists.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


steel magnoliasIs "chick flick" a pejorative?

That's a big word, so we'll save you the trouble of going to
"pe*jor"a*tive\, a. [F. p['e]joratif, fr. L. pejor, used as compar. of malus evil.] Implying or imputing evil; depreciatory; disparaging; unfavorable."
You're welcome.

There's a Grape-Nuts ad campaign running right now where euphemisms like "Certified Pre-Owned" in a bold font are crossed out, and underneath it in a scrawly font is "Used," and the tagline reads "It is what it is." (Because, see, Grape-Nuts contain neither grapes nor nuts.) There's one in a bus shelter at 18th and Valencia where "Love Story" and "Romantic Comedy" are crossed out and "Chick Flick" is written underneath. Because San Francisco is all progressive 'n shit, someone then crossed out "Chick Flick" and wrote "Sexist!"

admit it: you'd do both of them.
So, the phrase "chick flick" is sexist. Gotcha.

When this week's feature came out it was a huge ginormous hit, the highest grossing movie ever, beating out Star Wars. Ten years later it was more or less forgotten, and it's only been in the news lately in the context of the new Batman movie, i.e. "Could The Dark Knight overtake Titanic to become the largest grossing domestic movie of all time?"

At the time, though, there was a controversy: was it a chick flick?

The film's defenders said no, it wasn't a chick flick.

Sure, all the cool stuff with the CGI ship hitting the iceberg and people dying was couched in the middle of a love story, and there was no doubt that much of the film's success was due to teenage (and grown-up) girls going to swoon over Leo DiCaprio.

But that didn't make it a chick flick, right? After all, you get to see Kate Winslet's breasts.

Can bare breasts be in a chick flick?

There's one way to find out.

(FYI: Since the film is over three hours long, we'll be showing the second half, with the people drowning. And the bare breasts.)

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly and Maura Sipila will not
be showing their breasts. Unless the theater hits an iceberg, that is.

September 14, 2008 Titanic
Negative: the Titanic hits an iceberg and sinks, killing over a thousand people.
Positive: James Cameron doesn't make another narrative movie for twelve years, saving millions of moviegoers.
Unsinkable pandemonium reigns.
(We'll be showing the second half, with less mushy parts and more people drowning.)

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Jerome Skaggs, Maura Sipila and other kings of teh world!!!1!1

Sunday, September 7, 2008

(steel magnolias)

steel magnoliasWe know who you are.

You're a male between the ages of eighteen and forty-five, heterosexual and proud of it, conscious of the testosterone running through your body.

It informs your movie choices: you only like good movies. It especially bugs you when we show stuff like Commando, because that's not a bad movie! That movie rules! Even if it is kinda gay.

You don't like movies that (ahem) suck, boring movies or prissy movies or...or...those movies that your girlfriend makes you watch.

admit it: you'd do all of them.
If the movie stars Meg Ryan, you probably won't like it. Well, okay, Meg Ryan doesn't really make movies anymore—say, if it stars Kate Hudson. Sure, she's a hottie and you'd totally do her, but you'd never go see one of those movies she makes with Matthew McConnawhatsit...

...unless your girlfriend really wanted you to. And she always does, doesn't she? What's up with that? But if that's what it takes to get laid, then that's what you'll do. You can always go into the living room and play Halo after she falls asleep, so it's all good.

But there's one particular chick flick, your old archnemesis, from when you were a teenager and your mother rented the movie. You watched it with her because you had nothing better to do. It was 1989, after all. Besides, Daryl Hannah was in it, and she was pretty hot in that one Steve Martin movie.

And something happened. Towards the end of the movie, you realized that you were feeling sad. That maybe your heart was breaking just a little, and you were feeling pressure around your eyelids, and was that a bit of moisture working its way out...?

You swore that you'd never tell anyone you cried watching Steel Magnolias, and more importantly, you'd never watch it again.

But, c'mon. You're older now.

You can handle it, can't you?

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em and Sean Owens (as Cora Values)
have promised themselves they won't cry. They won't, they won't, they won't!

September 7, 2008 Steel Magnolias
Shaquille O'Neal stars in a fast-paced action thriller directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.
(Or was that something else?)
Pollinated wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Sean Owens (as Cora Values) and other paper anvils.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

(howard the duck)

howard the duckNever mind the Jar-Jar: George Lucas lost his shit a long time ago.

Thinking that the whole Star Wars thing was finished beyond ancillary products like the Ewok teevee movies or the Droids cartoon, and rich beyond the wildest dreams of avarice, Lucas could finally make the kinds of movies he wanted to make, important movies, arty movies.

Like he'd done with THX-1138, or, to a lesser extent, American Graffiti, which was considered uncommercial at first. (Sidenote: the latter film has quite possibly the best sound mix of any movie ever. Get a copy of the American Graffiti DVD—it's widely available at the San Francisco Public Library if you don't want to clog up your Netflix queue—and listen to it through headphones. Seriously. Walter Murch is God.)

why CGI isn't such a bad thing.
So, George decides to produce a film based on a slightly obscure but imaginative comic about a talking duck from another dimension who gets into all sorts of wuh-ACKY adventures on Earth, usually involving other, established comic book characters.

Okay, so maybe it really wasn't the big important project he'd been dreaming of—that would have to wait for, um, Radioland Murders—but it was surefire commercial property, one that was sure to be a big hit. I mean, c'mon! A talking duck! A duck that talks! From an obscure comic book! One that lusts after human women in a completely non-creepy way!

Which is why he sank thirty million dollars into the budget, roughly the same as Return of the Jedi. And it grossed a whole fifteen million of those dollars back.

But never let George's contribution to popular culture be denied. Y'know how Star Wars is synonymous with "success?" He's also responsible for the title synonymous with "failure": Howard the Duck.

Thank you, George. Thank you.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband and Mike Spigelman
wish they could duck out of having to watch this movie.

August 31, 2008 Howard The Duck
George Lucas's poor judgment costs $30M and grosses $15M.
Wacky bestiality ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband, Mike Spigelman and other animatronic fowl.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

(last action hero)

last action heroAs you've noticed by now (because you're paying attention, right?), Legendary Flops tend to be overbudgeted, underbaked vanity projects centered around the the massive egos of male movie stars.

Which is bad enough, but where things really start to go astray is when someone gets the clever idea of making a parody.

"after this movie, you'll be the next Macaulay Culkin..."
In his commentary on the Hudson Hawk DVD, director Michael Lehmann makes a strong case that that most people didn't get that it was supposed to be a satire of action movies. Bruce Willis tries to make a similar point in an interview, though he spends most of it counting the holes in the acoustic tiling.

Leonard Part 6 was an even more explicit parody, except it was unfunny and miserable. (Waterworld, on the other hand, was not a parody so much as a lazy movie pitch—"It's like Mad Max on jet-skis!"—which went way, way too far. It was also unfunny and miserable.)

Note to Hollywood: it doesn't work. Okay? Got it?

Even though there was ample evidence by then, they didn't get it when this week's movie was greenlighted.

How much didn't they get it? How misguided was this film?

They opened it against Jurassic Park.

Yeah. Whoops.

At least the movie gave us a pretty cool AC/DC video with Schwarzengger wearing short pants. That's more than Jurassic Park ever gave us.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly and Rhiannon Charisse
will not be wearing their short pants. Or any pants at all.

August 24, 2008 Last Action Hero
The Governator's ego costs $85M and grosses $50M.
Pumped-up pandemonium reigns (again).

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Rhiannon Charisse and other hummers.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

(leonard part 6)


Even in this current wave of eighties nostalgia, it's easy to forget that Bill Cosby was once a major star.

He was a groundbreaking comedian in the sixties and seventies, created the classic cartoon Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids (the theme of which gave many white kids their first exposure to funk), was a regular on The Electric Company, and had a fairly respectable movie career, including a string of buddy pictures with Sidney Poitier. He even played Satan in the early eighties during Disney's "Let's traumatize the kids!" period.

"gotta work off all those jell-o pudding pops..."
A few years later, he took over the whole fucking world with The Cosby Show, a megahit which doesn't hold up too well these days. If nothing else, it anchored the best comedy lineup of the eighties: it was followed on Thursday nights by Family Ties, Cheers and Night Court. And then L.A. Law, but that was past my bedtime and it was boring anyway.

During the height of The Cosby Show's success, feeling he could do no wrong (and that always goes well), Cosby returned to movies with his first major starring role. As an action hero, no less, in a spy-thriller-comedy sort of Bond-spoofy thing. With more Coke product placement than you could shake a Jell-O Pudding Pop at. (In all fairness, it's downright subtle compared to the latest James Bond movies, which are essentially Sony commercials.)

As for the movie to put this in a family-friendly manner of which The Cos would approve? It sucked big donkey balls.

It didn't cost all that much, as these things go, but it was a high-profile disaster to the extent that Cosby was actively telling people not to see it. Which kinda worked, though it would have bombed anyway.

The Cosby Show continued tooling along, and he didn't try to make another movie until 1990's Ghost Dad.

Don't ask. Even we won't touch that one.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband and Jim Fourniadis were going to
promise that they won't make any Jell-O Pudding Pops jokes during the movie, but
then they remembered that Fat Albert episode where Rudy discovered that it's
bad to tell lies, so they won't promise it.

August 17, 2008 Leonard Part 6
Nobody knows how much Bill Cosby's ego costs, but it only grosses $4.6M. Which ain't much, even in 1986.
Wackiness (which goes great with Jell-O Pudding Pops!) ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Mikl-Em and other mushmouths.

Sunday, August 10, 2008


For all of Bruce Willis' smirking egosity, The undisputed champion of Legendary Flops would have to be Kevin Costner.

In 1990, it seemed he could do no wrong. A series of hits (including The Untouchables, Field of Dreams and Bull Durham, the latter of which is partially responsible for Sherilyn's undying crush on Susan Sarandon) gave him the clout to direct himself in a three-hour western.

The industry scoffed while he was making it, calling it "Kevin's Gate" in reference to the studio-crushing flop western Heaven's Gate. And then, against all logic and reason, Dances with Wolves became a big hit. It won the Oscar for Best Picture, beating out such long-forgotten fare as Martin Scorsese's GoodFellas. As well it should have, since we all quote Dances with Wolves on a regular basis, and who even remembers GoodFellas these days, am I right?

"remember robin hood? the arrow going into the tree? that was neat, right?"
On the plus side, Dances with Wolves did launch Mary "Laura Roslin" McDonnell's career, while Kevin's headed for the airlock. After a few more hits, he started to be in movies that didn't do so well. At the same time, he was exerting more and more control over them.

Which leads us to this week's feature.

What was originally supposed to be a low-budget Mad Max ripoff on jet-skis turned into a mega-budget Mad Max ripoff on jet-skis as bad weather and bad planning resulted in sunken sets and wasted time, and Costner battled with the director for creative control. The industry wags who were no doubt still patting themselves on the backs for coming up with "Kevin's Gate" called this new project "Fishtar," after Ishtar. (Geddit?)

Rumor had it at the time that Costner even insisted on his receding hairline being fixed by CGI. Judging from how he looks in the final film, this was not part of the $175M price tag.

$175M. In 1995 dollars. That's, like, three trillion in 2008. This made it the most expensive movie ever made until future Bad Movie Night feature Titanic's $200M price tag later in the decade.

Titanic, however, went on to make $600M domestically, whereas Waterworld$88m. Half of its budget That's a lot of jet-skis that didn't get reimbursed.

Undaunted, Kevin went on to make another post-apocalyptic adventure, this time on solid land: The Postman.

But we'll get to that another time.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly and A.J. Margolis
would rather drink their own pee than watch this movie.

August 10, 2008 Waterworld
Kevin Costner's ego costs $175M and grosses $88M. (Domestically. Yes, we know that with foreign and ancillary markets, the movie eventually recouped its costs. That's not the point.)
Pandemonium's hairline recedes.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, A.J. Margolis and other pee-drinking fish-people.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

(hudson hawk)

Thus begins Legendary Flops month.

These are movies with in how badly they bombed. They made headlines for their spiralling production costs, lead actors with out-of-control egos, weak directors, underthought scripts, lead characters who are creepy animatronic ducks with bestial leanings, and for subsequently failing to recoup their budget at the box office. (See also this summer's The Incredible Hulk, submitted too late for inclusion.)

ask him what "hawk" means. go ahead, ask.
Few films can rival this week's feature in the "out-of-control star ego" department, nor would they especially want to.

Bruce Willis is at his most smuggest, smirkingist, ain't-I-cutest on screen. He's actually worse off-screen, resulting in a film he tried to make a monument to his comic awesomeness and is instead a misshapen mess with a wasted cast.

Seriously, though. How can Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard as the villains not be hilarious? He was in How to Get Ahead in Advertising, one of the best British comedies of the eighties, and she hosted Reel Wild Cinema, one of the best basic-cable shows of the nineties. What could go wrong?

Bruce Willis, that's what. He bullied the writer and director, pulling rank and doing things his way.

And after you see the result, you'll understand why there's no Hudson Hawk 2.

As an extra-special value-added bonus, a gallery of Willisian smirks kifed without permission (but with great love) from the fantastic site The Agony Booth:

The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk
The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk
The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk The Many Faces Of Bruce Willis As Hudson Hawk

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Damien Chacona and Andy Wenger
can't believe they used to think this chode was funny on Moonlighting.

August 3, 2008 Hudson Hawk
Bruce Willis's ego costs $65M and grosses $17M. In 1991 dollars, no less.
Smirky wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Damien Chacona, Andy Wenger and other moonlighters.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

(dragon wars)

And then there's the sad case of Robert Forster.

Well, perhaps "sad" isn't the right word. One of the hardest-working actors in show business, he's been steadily employed since the early seventies. He gets the rent paid, damnit.

The problem is that he's in mostly schlockly movies like The Delta Force and Scanner Cop II and the straight-to-video perennial Point of Seduction: Body Chemistry III. The rent, as we say, gets paid.

neither robert forster nor an amazing simulation.
A classic "Hey, It's That Guy!", only film geeks know his name. He had a few lead roles at the end of the Carter Administration, like the Jaws-ripoff Alligator and Star Wars-ripoff The Black Hole (coming to Bad Movie Night in November!). But they didn't quite stick, and from there it was back to even lesser fare like The Kinky Coaches and the Pom Pom Pussycats and guest shots on Magnum, P.I. and Tales from the Darkside.

His highest exposure came in 1997 when Quentin Tarantino attempted to give Forster (and co-star Pam Grier) a Travolta-esque career resurrection by casting him in Jackie Brown. Even though the Miramax hype machine resulted in an Best Supporting Actor nomination, that didn't quite work, either. Hell, he even got cut from the theatrical version of David Lynch's Mulholland Dr. That had to hurt.

But our boy Bob kept soldiering on, doing his thing in low-budget crap like Bounty Hunters and 13 Graves, as well as well as the occasional high-budget crap like Firewall and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

So when he got the call to act in a Korean movie about dragons, with a ginormous budget a horrible script, he said yes. Because Robert Forster gets the rent paid.

And that's why we love him.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Rey Zegri and Chad McComber
are big giant snakes. Or not.

July 27, 2008 Dragon Wars
The guy from Roswell loses the Reign of Fire scruffiness contest while dragons battle an incomprehensible script.
Scaly pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Rey Zegri, Chad McComber and other himbos.

New York!

Sunday, July 20, 2008


It started, more or less, with The Blair Witch Project.

A suprise smash in 1999, it was almost entirely told from the point of view of a video camera, with some grainy 16mm footage thrown in for good measure. It was also the first example of a film's buzz being created almost entirely by a viral marketing campaign on the internet—or, as we called it the time, the "information superhighway."

(Look, we thought the world was going to end on New Year's Eve, okay? We weren't thinking straight. Give us a break.)

"my scruff is scruffier than your scruff!"
A lot of people at the time thought it heralded, like, a new epoch of cinema 'n shit, where inexpensive independent films could compete with multimillion dollar studio movies. The most important Blair Witch gimmick was getting people to believe it was actual found footage, and it was assumed there would be other "you are there/is it real?" movies.

Didn't work out that way. Big dumb multimillion dollar studio movies still rule the roost, even the underrated Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 dropped the whole first-person thing, and nobody believes anything they see on screen, no matter how shakey the camera. (Though they do think that Iron Man is somehow a metaphor for Robert Downey Jr.'s drug problems, but, again, average intelligence hasn't increased since "information superhighway.")

But now, at long last, we have unholy meeting of the Blair Witch aesthetic with multimillion dollar filmmaking, as a monster invastion of New York is witnessed through the shakey camera of some New York hipster douchebags.

Thankfully, us San Francisco hipster douchebags are ready to respond.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Jim Fourniadis and Gerri Lawlor
are armed with viral snark.

July 20, 2008 Cloverfield
Annoying New York hipsters shakeycam a monster invasion which makes you pine for the understated artistry of The Blair Witch Project.
Viral wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Jim Fourniadis, Gerri Lawlor and other annoying San Francisco hipsters.


Sunday, July 13, 2008

(reign of fire)

Let's see here...

Batman—the new Batman, that is, not Beetlejuice or Jim Morrison or the From Dusk Til Dawn guy—with a "John Lennon circa Sgt. Pepper" beard and speaking with his naturally impenetrable British accent. Win! (And hella sexy.)

"my scruff is scruffier than your scruff!"
Matthew McWhatshisname, the guy from Dazed and Confused and every other crappy romantic comedy that's come out in the last ten years, as a stogie-chewing bald American with a less referential beard. Win!

And dragons. Big, glorious CGI dragons. Win!

They burn shit up with their fire-breath, and then they eat the ash, which...

...wait, what?

They eat ash?

Oh, shoot.

Epic fail.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Justin Lamb and Chris Yule
breathe snark and eat...well...not ash, that's for damn sure.

July 13, 2008 Reign of Fire
Batman and Wooderson hold a "Who's Scruffier?" contest while dragons burn shit up.
Fiery pandemonium reigns. (Oh, be quiet. You'd make the same joke and you know it.)

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Justin Lamb, Chris Yule and other piles of ash.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

(the crappy american remake)

So much went wrong with this movie, it's hard to know where to begin.

The filmmakers were fresh of the success of their big, loud and stinky hit Independence Day. A Godzilla movie was already in development, and somebody thought it seemed like a good idea for these guys to make it.

"This movie will be a bigger hit than Sarah's new show!"
Except they kinda threw out everything that was good about the original movies (and when we say "good," we mean that compared to this movie, the original Godzilla films were Citizen Kane) and replaced with nothing in particular.

A thin script, effects which were purposefully obscured by rain, and a Godzilla which neither looks nor sounds like, well, Godzilla.

But the movie sure was big and loud, so that would be enough, right?

And, as chronicled by Keith Knight in his mysteriously named comic strip The K Chronicles, they spent about a zillion dollars in advertising.

Instead, it turned into one of the biggest flops of the 1990s. And a movie we've been meaning to do at Bad Movie Night for a long time

When it's over, we'll probably wish we'd kept waiting.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband
and Geekboy will get all stompy.

Please enjoy the official
Bad Movie Night Godzilla Trailer Player!

July 6, 2008 Godzilla (1998)
Godzilla (but not really) rampages through New York (sorta), and only Ferris Bueller can save the day (for want of a better way to put it).
Poorly remade wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy, Rimma Dreyband and other gorilla-whales.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

(children of the corn)

Did you ever wonder what happened to the Stephen King sequels?

Depending on how much time you've spent perusing the horror sections at video stores and/or watching the USA Network over the past few decades, you may recall A Return to Salem's Lot or The Lawnmower Man 2 (a sequel to a movie King sued to take his name off of) or Sometimes They Come Back...Again or Sometimes They Come Back...For More or The Rage: Carrie 2 or Pet Sematary Two or Firestarter 2: Rekindled or...
Ironically, his hat is made of hemp.

Well, actually, there aren't as many these days. When will we get Dreamcatcher 2? Whither Hearts in Atlantis: The Next Generation? Damnit, where's Electric Boogaloo: The Green Mile 2?

They're not likely to happen anytime soon, since Mr. King—which is evidently short for Mr. Killjoy—now has a thing in his contracts preventing rampant sequelizations of his more recent work.

You can bet that David Cronenberg wishes he could have done that when he made the original Scanners, thus preventing Scanners II: The New Order, Scanners III: The Takeover, Scanner Cop, and Scanner Cop III (aka Scanners: The Showdown). But does anyone want to live in a world without Scanners III: The Takeover? I sure don't.

The King short story "Children of the Corn" has proved more stupidly venerable than most. To begin with, there were not one, but two movies based directly on it.

The first was the short film Disciples of the Crow. Let's watch it together, shall we?

Wow, that sucked.

Then there was this week's feature, starring the original Sarah Connor and that stubbly guy from thirtysomething who was married to Michelle Pfeiffer. To date, there have been six sequels.

And we're keeping our fingers crossed for the seventh.

Until then, your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Jerome Skaggs and A.J. Margolis
will lead you through the maize.

June 22, 2008 Children of the Corn
Sarah Connor and the stubbly guy from thirtysomething who was married to Michelle Pfeiffer (seriously, what was up with that?) happen upon a town where a little boy with a big hat leads a cult of children with smaller hats.
Rows of wackiness ensue.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Jerome Skaggs, A.J. Margolis and other cornballers.

Sunday, June 15, 2008, 6pm

rhiannon and sherilyn's
back to the future trilogy
birthday sleepover!

We take a break from our regularly sheduled month of painfully bad Stephen King movies for a night of classic (yet not quite as good as you remember) mid-to-late-eighties movies. Okay, the third one came out in 1990 and is thus not an eighties movie, but who's counting?

In honor of the birthdays of our favorite Geminis, Rhiannon (June 12) and Sherilyn (June 16), we're showing all three Back to the Future movies. In a row. Back to back.
"We gotta go! Tina Yothers is after me!"

It's more Michael J. Fox than you can shake a stick at. And why would you want to shake a stick at someone with Parkinson's Disease, you insensitive bastard? Damn, you suck.

But that's okay, because you're still our BFF, and we totally want you to come to our birthday party, okay? It's going to be a total blast, we swear. Our parents are out of town and you can stay over and we have the keys to the liquor cabinet (there's a liquor store across the street, anyway) and it's just going to be a whole lot of fun and you don't have to stay for the whole time if you want to and just please show up, okay?

We know it a schoolnight for a lot of you (though Sherilyn's playing hooky on Monday!), so we're starting early: 6pm. That's when we're going to watch the original Back to the Future, with Mikl-Em co-hosting with us. At 8pm we'll watching Back to the Future Part II with Mike Spiegelman, and at 10pm Geekboy will help us close out the night with Back to the Future Part III.

And Sherilyn will turn thirty-five at midnight. Just sayin'.

Oh, and presents? Don't worry about it. Your presence is your present.

Okay, sure, if you really wanna get us stuff, here are Rhiannon's suggestions. And this is Sherilyn's outdated and way-too-expensive Amazon wish list, but blank DVD-Rs always make her happy.

Though nothing would make her and Rhiannon happier than you joining them this Sunday, 'kay? 'kay.

Sunday, June 8, 2008


Early in his career, Stephen King started publishing books under the name Richard Bachman.

This was so he could double his output (publishers didn't like to release more than one book by a single author per year), and to see if it was the name "Stephen King" selling books, of if they were selling because they were good.

A couple of them were good, such as The Running Man and especially The Long Walk, but they weren't selling in Stephen King kinda numbers.

Fat Tony meets his match.
After the fifth novel was published, Thinner, some guy somewhere finally made the connection, and the jig was up.

When it was revealed to be a Stephen King novel, sales shot through the roof.

Unfortunately, this story of a portly lawyer who gets cursed by a gypsy and starts thinning out wasn't one of his better books. Bachman or King's.

But it was the most high-profile of the Bachman books, so naturally it got turned into a movie. (The less said about The Running Man, the better, except that it was nice to see Richard Dawson getting work.)

It's not a very good movie, but what did you expect?

The Stephen King/Richard Bachman saga will get all meta on June 29 with The Dark Half.

In the meantime, your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Alexia Staniotes and Sam Shaw should watch their carbs.

June 8, 2008 Thinner
Based on a book written by King's alter-ego Richard Bachman, a fatty full-figured gentleman cursed by a gypsy begins to waste away. Kinda like your brain as you watch this movie.
Doublechinned pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Alexia Staniotes, Sam Shaw and other dark halves.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

(maximum overdrive)

We here at Bad Movie Night like Stephen King. We have come not to bury him, but to praise him.

Of course, we'll be praising him by burying him in crappy movies. That's how we roll.

Kinda like the trucks in this week's feature (get it? rolling? because they're on wheels?), thus far the only movie King has directed.

When he was making the movie, he wanted us to believe that it was going to be, like, scary. That's what he said in the trailer, anyway:

Seriously—that part at 1:20 where he points at the camera and says "I'm going to scare the hell out of you!" may be the coolest thing ever in the history of cool things.

willem dafoe's sweet,
sweet ride.
Too bad it didn't turn out scary at all, but just really dumb and poorly acted. Seriously, this movie may have some of the worst performances of any film we've ever done, which is probably because King himself admits that he was paying more attiention to the hardware than the actors. And you will never be able to watch The Simpsons again after listening to Yeardley "Lisa Simpson" Smith's non-stop screeching.

To his credit, King neither exactly defends nor disowns the movie, but like a parent should, accepts it for what it is: "I loved it myself. It's not a good movie, but a lot of things go 'Bang!"

That's true, Stephen. Lots of things go "bang!" And "Rawwwwwwwwwwwwr!" And "Kerpow!" And "Eeeeeeek!"

Join as at Bad Movie Night as we go "Bwahahahahaha!"

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband and David Capurro made you.

June 1, 2008 Maximum Overdrive
In the first and last movie directed by Stephen King, machines come to life and out-act the human cast. King himself calls it a "moron movie," which is why we love him.
Estevezian wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband, David Capurro and other meat puppets.

Sunday, May 25, 2008


Razzies Month is almost over, thank the gods, but we're not out of it yet. (And considering that the first movie of next month is Maximum freakin' Overdrive, are we in all that much of a rush?)

As we mentioned when discussing Daddy Day Camp, Eddie Murphy was once pretty great. When he started. Twenty years ago.

"it's the academy! they want the oscar back!"
Since then, not so much.

As though movies like The Adventures of Pluto Nash and Holy Man aren't bad enough—and, for the record, they are bad enough—the unfortunate success of his 1996 remake of The Nutty Professor kicked off the current "actor playing multiple roles under pounds of latex" fad.

(Yes, we know Peter Sellers used to do it. However: 1) he did it without the latex; 2) he was a dick; 3) have you ever seen Soft Beds, Hard Battles? Didn't think so.)

Unfortunately, it led to the subgenre of "black actor in fatsuit drag" comedies. Such as Big Momma's House, which cost $30M and earned $117M domestically. Or this execrable film, which cost $60M and made $95M.

Forturnately, we've never done one of those movies before now.

Unfortunately, this will not be the last.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Phil Darnowsky and Jerome Skaggs apologize profusely.

May 25, 2008 Norbit
Eddie Murphy plays multiple roles in a movie so foul, we may never do Razzie Month again.
Fat-suited pandemonium reigns.

Razzies won: Worst Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, Actor (all Eddie Murphy)
Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Phil Darnowsky, Jerome Skaggs and other doomed souls.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

(i now pronounce you chuck & larry)

There. The ordeal known as Daddy Day Camp is behind us.

We can now take comfort in the fact that the movies can only get less painful from here.

Like this week's feature, which stars Adam Sandler as a guy who pretends to be gay and become domestic partners with his best friend so that...

No. No. Can't go on.

I's just...ow. Ow.

Make it stop. Please.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman and Mikl-Em will annul this terrible movie.

May 18, 2008 I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
You want wall-to-wall gay jokes? You got 'em.
Man-on-man wackiness ensues.

Razzies won: None. (So that means it's a good movie, right?)
Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, Mikl-Em and other alternative lifestylers.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

(daddy day camp)

And now we move on to a movie which didn't win quite as many Razzies as I Know Who Killed Me (how could it?), but is just as vile in its own way.

In the beginning, there was Eddie Murphy, and he was good. 48 HRS., Trading Places, the original Beverly Hills Cop, and especially the "twenty-nine cent chopsticks" bit on his first album, which may be the funniest thing he's ever done. That's the way it seemed at the time, anyway. Maybe you had to be there.

Still, it's funnier than most anything he's done in the past fifteen years, as he's quasi-reinvented himself as a family-friendly comedian, with movies like The Nutty Professor and Shrek and Daddy Day Camp and Dr. Doolittle.

Even better for him (though not movie audiences), all of those movies had sequels, meaning he kept working when more "adult" fare like I Spy or previous Bad Movie Night features Showtime and The Adventures of Pluto Nash stiffed.

"it's the academy! they want the oscar back!"
Well, except for one of those. It was just horrendous, so painful, so bad that he refused to do the sequel. And the cheapskate producers probably wouldn't pay him enough, either.

Which brings us to tonight's feature, Razzie Winner for Worst Prequel or Sequel.

And also brings us to the sad, vaguely parallel career of Cuba Gooding Jr. Oh, poor Cuba.

Never an overt comedian like Eddie, Cuba's big breakthrough was in Boyz n the Hood. After a few more good years, including a bit part in A Few Good Men and an Best Supporting Actor Oscar for Jerry Maguire, he suffered a freak accident: an icepick was stuck into his temple, lobotomizing the part of the brain which can tell good scripts from bad.

Okay, that's conjecture on our part, but it's the only possible explanation for Chill Factor or Rat Race or Snow Dogs or (gods help us) Boat Trip. Six years after winning an Academy Award, he was in freakin' Boat Trip. And his downhill slide just kept on going.

Which is why, when the producers of this week's feature dangled what was probably a check covering six months of rent to be in sloppy seconds sequel to Daddy Day Care, he said yes.

Though it doesn't explain why Jim Fourniadis, Sam Shaw and A.J. Margolis said "yes" when asked to host this piece of crap, because they sure ain't getting paid.

May 11, 2008 Daddy Day Camp
Cuba Gooding in a sequel even the star of Norbit turned down.
No-necked pandemonium reigns.

Razzies won: Worst Prequel or Sequel
Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sam Shaw, A.J. Margolis and other D-listers.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

(i know who killed me)

First off, we'd like to apologize for Meet the Fockers. It was a lapse in quality control, and those responsible have been sacked. (And then rehired, because we couldn't get anyone else to do this crummy job.)

And now we move on to Razzies Month, when the pain really begins to hurt. Or something.

annie, are you okay?
We start with this piece of Lindsay Lohan dreck, a record-sitting winner beating out both Battlefield Earth and Showgirls (both fomer Bad Movie Night features) with a highly stupid eight awards:

Worst Picture
Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie (new category)
Worst Screenplay
Worst Director
Worst Remake or Rip-Off
Worst Actress (a tie, both for Lindsay Lohan)
Worst Screen Couple (Lindsay Lohan, sharing an award with herself)

All that, and the movie really sucks, too.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

At least she isn't winking in the poster like she does in just about every other poster. That's so damned annoying.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy and Phil Darnowsky will be keeping their eyes closed blinking a lot during this movie.

May 4, 2008 I Know Who Killed Me
Lindsay Lohan. A stripper pole. Torture porn. 'nuff said.
Career-destroying wackiness ensues.

Razzies won: Worst Screen Couple, Horror Movie, Screenplay, Director, Remake or Rip-Off, Actress (two, both for Lindsay), Picture
Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy, Phil Darnowsky and other coked-up young starlets.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

(meet the fockers)

Y'know, Bobby De Niro deserves a break.

It couldn't have been easy, being the most respected actor of his generation. Everybody always expected great things of him, powerful performances in important films.

Can you imagine the pressure? (No, you can't, because you aren't the most respected actor of your generation. Don't even pretend.)

"nyuk nyuk nyuk!"
So he can write his own ticket now, pretty much, and produces most of the movies that he's in. Not only does that mean creative control, it means making bank if the movie is successful.

And if the movie isn't successful? Like, if it contains the words "The," "Adventures," "Of," "Rocky," "And," "Bullwinkle?" Fuck you. He's still Robert De Niro and you aren't. He's a shark.

But if it is successful, like Meet the Parents? Well, he's no fool. Make a sequel, make it bigger, louder, with more fart and poop and old-person-sex-jokes.

And if that sequel grosses $279M, making it one of the highest-grossing comedies ever (second only to Home Alone) in spite of being stupid and juvenile in the bad way?

Fuck you. He's Robert De Niro and you aren't.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Ray Zegri and Geekboy aren't Robert De Niro either. Fuck them.

April 27, 2008 Meet the Fockers
Remember when you could watch a Robert De Niro movie and be reasonably sure there wouldn't be fart jokes? Those days are gone, my friend.
The second-highest grossing non-animated comedy, after Home Alone. (Goodfellas came out the same year as Home Alone. Just sayin'.)
$279M pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Ray Zegri, Geekboy and other sellouts.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


There are certain warning signs about movies.

Like, when all anyone can talk about is an action sequence.

"Dude! Have you seen Ronin? It has the most bad-ass car chase ever!"

"I see Kenneth Branagh!"
When you ask what it was about, they usually say, "Well, it was kinda hard to follow, but the car chase was so incredibly cool!"

Uh-huh. Inquiring about, for example, characters, the response is along the lines of "Well, there was that one guy from that one other guy. You know, the one who was in that thing. But oh my god, the car chase kicks ass!"


And it goes around and around like that, and all anyone can tell you about it is that it has a really cool car chase. Otherwise, it's pointless and confusing and sucky.

Like this week's feature, The Matrix Reloaded Ronin.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Rhiannon Charisse, Justin Lamb and Jay Starr (from Sex Appeal) are 420 friendly.

April 20, 2008 Ronin
Vrooooooooom! Screech! Vroooom! Honk honk! Screeech! (Because of the big car chase and all.)
Reckless wackiness ensues.
Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Rhiannon Charisse, Justin Lamb and Jay Starr (from Sex Appeal) and other gaijin.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

(mary shelley's frankenstein)

1994. Robert De Niro was still a respected actor, one whose presence in a movie was a sign that it wouldn't completely suck.

It was a few years after his reunion with Martin Scorsese in both Goodfellas and Cape Fear.

In short, he could do no wrong.

Meanwhile, Kenneth Branagh wasn't doing quite as well.

"This script is even better than Good Burger!"
He was the flavor of the month in 1990 when his directorial debut Henry V hit these uncomprehending shores, and to show his versatility he tried making a few non-Shakespeare films, such as Dead Again and the underrated Peter's Friends.

Nothing was quite clicking, though.

Meanwhile, Francis Ford Coppola was coming off of Bram Stoker's Dracula, his only hit in years, and was looking to produce another quasi-faithful classic horror movie.

The streams converged: Coppola produced, Branagh directed and played Dr. Frankenstein, and De Niro played Frankenstein's Monster.

That sound you hear? That's the sound of things still not clicking.

By the time this movie is over, your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly and Geekboy will not be alive...alive!!!

April 13, 2008 Mary Shelly's Frankenstein
Kenneth Branagh is Frankenstein, and De Niro is Frankenstein's monster. Get it right!
Stitched-together pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy and other abominations of nature.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

(the adventures of rocky and bullwinkle)

Bad Movie Night: Season 3 begins with a whimper.

See, some movies want you to like them. They mean well. They don't hate you the way most movies do.

"This script is even better than Good Burger!"
They want you to feel warm and fuzzy.

This is one of those movies.

And it fails miserably.

The tone, the casting, the concept, everything is just plain wrong.

Especially the "inner child" business? What the hell is that? Wasn't part of what made the original Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons the fact that they weren't just for children?

"Dreamer" by Supertramp as Rocky's theme?

Kenan and Kel? Who? What?

And what's the deal with Piper Perabo?

On second thought, we don't wanna know.

Your hosts Sherilyn J. Connelly, Michael J. Spiegelman and Rimma J. Dreyband will strangle their inner children live on stage.

April 6, 2008 The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
The cartoon characters enter the real world. Unforunately, so do De Niro, the short guy from Seinfeld and a pre-Botox Rene Russo.
2-D wackiness ensues.
Hosts: Sherilyn J. Connelly, Michael J. Spiegelman, Rimma J. Dreyband and other flying squirrels.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

(red dawn)

Here we go again.

On March 27, 2005, Jim Fourniadis and Ty McKenzie unleashed Bad Movie Night on an unsuspecting world.

Damn. Three years of bad Sunday night movies. That's, like, a hundred and fifty weeks of copyright violation love.

No one thought it would last. Some of you were hoping it wouldn't. You know who you are.

One friend of The Dark Room even said Bad Movie Night "just makes us all that much more stupid." To that, we mom!

But the scorn fueled us, like the blood of Christian babies. That fuels Sherilyn, anyway.

In honor of the haters (hello, haters!), we're bringing back the flick that started things off in those sepia-toned days: the 1984 paramilitary fantasy Red Dawn, in which multicultural Commies take over the US. Or at least a budget-friendly midwestern town.

Come on down and take over The Dark Room as we celebrate three years of Bad Movie Night making the world stupid for everyone.

Your hosts will be Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman, and ZOMG Teh Wolverines!!!11!!1

March 30, 2008 Red Dawn
Patrick Swayze (not pictured here) plays a one-man army high-school football player leading a bunch of kids in a battle against multicultural commies.
Fun fact: being our anniversary show, this will be the fourth time we've done this movie.
Socialized wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman and other Wolverines!!!11!!1

Sunday, March 23, 2008

(missing in action)

deathwish3 And then there's the strange case of Chuck Norris.

Like most of the big action heroes of the seventies and eighties, he hit on hard times in the nineties, as his type of kung-fooey felt out of favor at the box office. And, really, his movies had long since devolved from chop-socky to shoot-'em-up anyway, which is a shame for someone who once held his own against Bruce Lee.

(Let us pause to praise Jackie Chan. While his American movies have been crap—Rush Hour 4 will happen eventually, just you wait—at least he continues to kick people in the face rather than shooting them. If that's not integrity, it's a reasonable facsimile thereof.)

When movies like Hellbound and Top Dog failed at the box office, it was okay, because he already had Walker: Texas Ranger as a steady gig. It ran from 1993 to 2001 during the last golden age of teevee syndication, and Chucky Baby was pretty much set, while buidling a whole new audience in the meantime.

My girlfriend's mother, not normally a fan of action movies, was very fond of the show because when Chuck beat people up, there was no blood. Yay for violence without consequences!

In 2005, a website appeared on the intertubes with a bunch of fake, allegedly funny facts about Chuck. It became one of those things that everyone forwarded to everyone else (what the kids like to call a "meme"), though it's a safe bet that people under twenty were all "Chuck Who?"

Chuck Norris became sorta kinda relevant again, in that famous-for-being-famous way, what the late, lamented Fametracker would call being a full-time Personality. Which is ironic, considering that in most of his movies he exuded almost no personality whatsoever.

All of which lead to the peak of his lastest, final fifteen minutes of fame (and arguably the nadir of post-modern American politics):

Yeah, that worked real well.

Since Huckabee's dropped out, Chuck's newfound public spotlight will likely fade as well, which brings us back to the movies which made him famous in the first place.

As for this week's movie, from the patron saint of Bad Movie Night, Cannon Films? Believe it or not, it isn't a rip-off of Rambo: First Blood Part II—that jingoistic Stallone steroid-fest came out a year later. This is actually a rip-off of Uncommon Valor, which nobody even remembers. Indeed, Rambo was arguably inspired by this movie. The mind reels.

Either way, it sucks even worse than the Huckabee Administration would have.

It would be, like, ironic if your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy and Jerome Skaggs disappeared during the show. (It just would, okay?)

March 23, 2008 Missing in Action
Chuck Norris plays a one-man army cleaning up Vietnam.
Fun fact: things you've read on the internet about Chuck Norris may not be entirely true.
Wooden pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy, Jerome Skaggs and other texas rangers.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

screenshot ganked from cinépatas

(death wish 3)

deathwish3 As Roger Ebert tells it, Swedish director and beret aficianodo Ingmar Bergman was visiting the set of a Charles Bronson western.

"Please explain to me what you are doing," he said to Bronson.

"Well," said Bronson, "this is a scene where I get shot. So I'm wearing these squibs with fake blood under my shirt, and—but you know all this stuff. You're a director."

"No, no, please continue," Bergman said. "This is all new to me."

Bronson replied, "You mean you don't use guns in your pictures?"
"...or are you just happy to see me?"

That pretty well sums up the appeal of Charles Bronson as an action hero, especially in the eighties. He wasn't a hunk of beefcake like Stallone or Schwarzenegger, or a martial arts expert like Chuck Norris. He was a sinewy, middle-aged guy with what a looked like a bad rug but was probably his own hair.

Sometimes attitude is even more intimidating than physique: he was a badass who believed in guns, and wasn't afraid to use 'em.

It also helped that he got into the shoot-'em-up genre when it was still new in the seventies, with the original Death Wish, in which his character was a pacifistic liberal who got...pushed...too...far!

By the time this sequel appeared, he was just a killing machine who, um, killed people. (You know, bad people.) That was perfect for the eighties, since video stores were desperate to fill their shelves with familiar product, like sequels which guaranteed action. The average customer wouldn't spend five bucks at a movie theater to watch Charles Bronson blow away punks, but two bucks for a three night rental? Totally.

And maybe, just maybe, that's enough.

Spending five bucks to listen to your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em and Gerri Lawlor riff on it, however, is your best entertainment value.

March 16, 2008 Death Wish 3
Charles Bronson plays a one-man army cleaning up the streets. (Not the same streets as Cobra.)
Fun fact: the first Death Wish was based on a book. This one was not.
Wackiness of few words ensues.
Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Gerri Lawlor and other brave ones.

Sunday, March 9, 2008


commando Ruthless Reviews, whose Ruthless Guide to 80s Action was the inspiration for this month's theme (thanks, guys!), pretty much nails it about this movie: it's kinda gay.

And we don't mean that in a bad way, either. We here at Bad Movie Night are all about teh gaye. Quite a few of us are big huge flaming queerbots and proud of it.

I'm a dyke and not a big fan of the manmeat, but I (that is to say, me) even work as a webmonkey at a gay porn website. I'm surrounded by it, and I know it when I see it.
spot the anal symbol(s)!

So, yeah. We don't mean it in the post-modern South Park revived pejorative sense.

We mean, this movie is gay.

Like, full of bare-chested musclemen carrying large, phallic weapons. (Is there any other kind?) A sneering villain who looks like Freddy Mercury, complete with leather pants a chain-mail vest.

Oh, and Dan Hedaya as a bad guy. The boys, they love them some Hedaya.

If you need further proof, the sweaty, pumped-up man holding the big gun is why you had to get rid of your car after it failed its smog check.

Think about it. It don't get much gayer than that.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly and Geekboy are not running for governor.

March 9, 2008 Commando
Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a one-man army fighting homoerotic bad guys who've kidnapped his daughter.
Fun fact: if you think Alyssa Milano is hot in this movie, that makes you a statutory rapist. This counts for Teen Steam as well.
Pumped-up pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Sherilyn Connelly and other girlymen.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

screenshot ganked from i-mockery


bh You kids today with your iPods and your hula hoops and your poodle skirts and your CGI superhero movies may find this hard to believe, but once upon a time, people flocked to see movies where beefy men with guns killed a lot of people.

(Well, they weren't always beefy; check back in two weeks for Charles Bronson in Death Wish III.)

But these movies were a big deal. It was all we had, okay?

Hey, the Eighties were a weird time. Us miserable souls who lived through it—or, worse, grew up in it—still haven't quite figured out what happened.
spot the phallic symbol!

Anyway, for a few decades they were relics, relegated to video store shelves and the occasional revival at community theaters doing weekly public mockeries of so-called "bad" movies. (Which we don't condone. You shouldn't make fun of movies.)

Then Sylvester Stallone made new Rocky and Rambo films, and then he said this in a press conference:

"I think Cobra could have been kind of interesting on a certain level only because I always saw him as Bruce Springsteen with a badge! That character would've been nice to go back to."
We here at Bad Movie Night are pretty sure "would've been" was just a slip of the tongue. (Did anyone else just a mental image of Stallone's tongue slipping? Ew ew ew! Gross!) Surely, he meant to say "will be nice to go back to."

That's right, folks. Cobra II is on the way.

And we'll be ready for it.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband and Jerome Skaggs are the strong arm of snark.

March 2, 2008 Cobra
Sylvester Stallone plays a one-man army cleaning up the streets.
Fun fact: Stallone turned down Beverly Hills Cop to do this movie. Seriously.
Axe-wielding wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband, Jerome Skaggs and other people who turned down Beverly Hills Cop.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

(blue hawaii)

bh So we end where it all began.

Sort of. Released in 1961, this wasn't Elvis's first movie.

It was his eighth. (Eighth! Jesus.)

But it set the formula: exotic locations, pretty girls, bad jokes, worse songs, and almost nonexistent scripts.
"i now pronounce you a bad movie."

The sad thing is, it worked. Those movies, the majority of them, were big hits.

Elvis tried to break out occasionally, to do more serious movies like Flaming Star or Charro! or The Number 23, but they flopped.

So he was mostly stuck with these until he finally quit making movies altogether in 1969.

In spite of trying (see: Paradise, Hawaiian Style), they never quite recreated the box-office magic of this movie, his biggest hit. It's possibly the least suckiest, too.

And if you disagree with us, Elvis will spank you.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy, and Sherilyn Connelly would happily be spanked by Elvis.

February 24, 2008 Blue Hawaii
Elvis plays a singin', swingin' chick magnet in Hawaii.
His father wants him to work at the Great Southern Hawaiian Fruit Company, but Elvis doesn't wanna. It's like Shakespeare in tiny shorts.
Pandemonium reigns on the big island.

Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy, Sherilyn Connelly and other rock-a-hula babies.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

(viva las vegas)

vi Here we go again: some people got upset that we're doing this movie. It's the good one, they say.

The thing, is, actions have consequences. And nothing has had more dire consequences than the movies of Elvis Presley.

As though Harum Scarum leading to the War on Terror wasn't enough, this week's feature is responsible for even greater atrocities.

Countless covers of the theme song, for example. Yeah, the Dead Kennedys and Springsteen both did it, but that doesn't make the hurt go away.
but you really love her for her mind, right?

Or the fact that every second-rate movie (and a few first-rate ones) about Las Vegas trots it out.

Then there's the issue of the film itself, which is so lacking in a story that it makes Clambake look like Harold Pinter.

Not to mention it uses the damn song, accompanying the same damn footage, three times.

But, no.

All that is excusable, more or less.

But the sin which this movie may never live down, the reason why watching Ann-Margaret shaking her ass for an hour and a half isn't really worth it...

Six words:

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas.

We rest our case.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em and Phil Darnowsky gotta whole lotta snark that's ready to burn.

February 17, 2008 Viva Las Vegas
Elvis plays a singin', swingin' chick magnet in Las Vegas.
Also starring Ann-Margaret's ass.
High-rolling wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Mikl-Em, Phil Darnowsky and other gamblers who can stop whenever they want.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

(harum scarum)

clambake The greatest tragedy of Elvis Presley was how long he lived.

No, really. Think about it.

If he'd been killed by a mortar while he was in the army, his reputation would be spotless. He'd be hipper than James Dean.

The four movies he'd already made (Loving You, Love Me Tender, Jailhouse Rock and especially King Creole) weren't too shabby, he was still fit and sexy and his music had been mostly solid.
"what this movie needs is more tambourine!"

But, no. He had to survive, only to make another decade's worth of movies, roughly three a year. And we do mean "roughly."

He quit the movies in 1969, choosing to focus on music, fried peanut butter and banana sammiches and prescription drugs, eventually becoming the fat guy on that stamp. You know the one.

But if he'd only asploded in 1959...well, we wouldn't have this week's feature, set in the Middle East.

9/11 wouldn't have happened, either.

Okay, we're not sure about that part.

But even if this movie isn't Why They Hate Us, it couldn't have helped.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy and Mikl-Em want to go back in time and fire the mortar themselves.

February 10, 2008 Harum Scarum
Elvis plays a singin', swingin' chick magnet in the Middle East.
This movie may not be Why They Hate Us, but it couldn't have helped.
Faux-tanned pandemonium reigns.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Geekboy, Mikl-Em and other ambassadors of goodwill snark.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

poster ganked from operation clambake


clambake How out of touch was Elvis in 1967?

Race riots.


Jimmy Hoffa begins an eight-year prison sentence.

Bonnie and Clyde.
there is no spider-man cameo in this film.

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. (Plus Are You Experienced? and The Piper at the Gates of Dawn.)

The Summer of Love in San Francisco.

China successfully tests a hydrogen bomb.

War protests.

Thurgood Marshall becomes the first black justice of the Supreme Court.


Wait—what was the question?

While there are no clams in this film, your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband and Mike Spiegelman will probably be baked.

February 3, 2008 Clambake
Elvis plays a singin', swingin' chick magnet in Miami.
No clams are baked.
Watery wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Rimma Dreyband and Mike Spiegelman, who probably will be baked.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

(pirates of the caribbean: at world's end)

It appears we were mistaken about Spider-Man 3.

According to the IMDB, which is never wrong about anything, this is the most expensive movie ever made.

Three hundred million.

You know how great it would be have, like, a million dollars?

That's 1/300th of what it cost to make this movie.
yeah. eyeliner.
we get it.

Maybe that's why it's so long. (Heh. "Long.")

168 minutes, to be precise. In case you don't want to get out your cell phone and find the calculator (it's someone under "Tools," right? Or is it an "Application?"), we'll do the math for you:

Two hours and forty-eight minutes. Actually, we shaved off the credits at the end, so it's more like, um, two hours and fourty-four minutes.

That's a little over a million dollars per minute.

Said it before, gonna say it again: Fuck Hollywood.

Your hosts Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy and Rhiannon Charisse will require a little over a million dollars of therapy per minute after watching this movie.

January 27, 2008 Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Johnny Depp as the eyeliner-clad pirate in a bombastic third movie which makes you shudder to think of what might have happened if The Country Bears and The Haunted Mansion hadn't flopped.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-rated Pandemonium reigns.
Hosts: Jim Fourniadis, Geekboy, Rhiannon Charisse and other law-abiding citizens.

Sunday, January 20, 2008


Fuck Hollywood.

No, seriously. We here at Bad Movie Night love movies (we wouldn't do this every week otherwise), but it bears repeating: Fuck Hollywood.

Here's the deal.

Transformers 2 is being produced at this very moment, and will be shat upon us sometime in 2009.

Think about that for a moment.

Originally, The Transformers was a cartoon teevee show which existed solely to sell toys. Refer to our writeup on Masters of the Universe for more on this particular phenomemon, plzkthx.

In 1986, The Transformers: The Movie came out while the series was on the air. It wasn't great, but it was better than one might expect for an animated movie based on an animated teevee series which existed solely to sell toys.

It got a PG rating, the hero died, and Orson Welles did a voice. Oh, remember that "You Got the Power" song from Boogie Nights? That's from The Transformers: The Movie.

We kid you not:

Twenty years later, the director of Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II makes a live-action version, simply calling it Transformers, in keeping with our post-literate times.

It was a big hit. (Which is not so much the fault of Hollywood so much as it is everyone who paid ten bucks to see it, but pick pick.)

So, now, he's making the second live-action movie based on a twenty year-old animated teevee series which had already spawned one animated movie.

The second one.

Fuck Hollywood.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Mike Spiegelman and Phil Darnowsky are less than meets the eye.

January 20, 2008 Transformers
From the director of Pearl Harbor, a low-key comedy of manners about aristocracy in Victorian England...huh? Oh. Wait. Never mind.
Wackiness ensues, but batteries not included.
Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Phil Darnowsky, Mike Spiegelman and other hosts who are more than meets the eye.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

(spider-man 3)

This is the most expensive movie ever made.

Oh, it won't be for long. If Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace taught us anything, it's that there's always a bigger fish. Or something.

your friendly neighborhood sex machine spider-man.
But, for now, to repeat: this is the most expensive movie ever made.

No, of course we aren't adjusting for inflation. If we adjust for inflation, the most expensive movie ever made is obviously Chairman of the Board starring Carrot Top.

(Everybody knows that. Stop asking stupid questions.)

But in terms of dollars spent at the time, yeah. This movie. Most expensive. Even moreso than The Phantom Menace. No kidding.

And by the time this one's done, you'll be begging for a little Jar-Jar.

The webslingers are the only organic part of your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, and Geekboy.

January 13, 2008 Spider-Man 3
A spore from outer space turns Spidey into a sex machine to all the chicks.
Pandemonium Raimis.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Alexia Staniotes, Geekboy and other organic webslingers.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

(snakes on a plane)

You heard about it. You laughed about it. You probably even blogged about it, you motherfuckin' nerd.

But you didn't actually pay ten bucks to see it, did you?

Didn't think so. You probably barely even remember that it existed.
spot the phallic symbol!

But that's okay. We here at Bad Movie Night exist to make sure you get a chance to see internet-famous financial flops which you'll probably never get around to putting in your NetFlix queue.

There will be "Safety Instruction" pamphlets available, and also in the house for our Let's-Get-2008-Over-With feature will be members of the Suspension of Disbelief Society (SODS) in flight suits and Captain's uniforms, and maybe even a stewardess. (If there isn't, blame Mikl-Em, plzkthxbye.)

And, of course, motherfucking snakes on the screen. But you knew that.

Your hosts Sherilyn Connelly, Jim Fourniadis and Mikl-Em evidently have not yet had enough of the motherfucking snakes.

January 6, 2008 Snakes on a Plane
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by motherfucking snakes.
Slithery wackiness ensues.

Hosts: Sherilyn Connelly, Phil Darnowsky, Mikl-Em and other bad motherfuckers.